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xNepali Forum => Fun Stuffs / Literature => Topic started by: nepali on February 21, 2007, 01:46:10 AM

Title: Basics Guidelines for Life
Post by: nepali on February 21, 2007, 01:46:10 AM
(http://img.lorla.com/thumbs/luu1172001608t.jpg) (http://img.lorla.com/viewer.php?id=luu1172001608t.jpg)

That is what is called a snow sculpture
Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: nepali on February 21, 2007, 01:54:55 AM
And

(http://img.lorla.com/thumbs/ooh1172002179u.jpg) (http://img.lorla.com/viewer.php?id=ooh1172002179u.jpg)
Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: nepali on February 21, 2007, 01:56:16 AM
well well well

(http://img.lorla.com/thumbs/pkr1172002259u.jpg) (http://img.lorla.com/viewer.php?id=pkr1172002259u.jpg)
Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: nepali on February 21, 2007, 01:57:32 AM
(http://img.lorla.com/thumbs/xne1172002332o.jpg) (http://img.lorla.com/viewer.php?id=xne1172002332o.jpg)
Title: Snowman Car Crash.
Post by: xnepali on February 22, 2007, 11:35:50 PM
derMoerder built a "Snowy Tribute to Calvin and Hobbes," composed of snowmen in a car crash!

http://www.badgopher.com/cnh-fullset/
Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: xnepali on February 22, 2007, 11:47:23 PM
mens ..
Title: Cold Hug ..
Post by: xnepali on February 28, 2007, 04:00:50 AM
It really is a cold hug..

(http://xnepali.com/i/thumbs/ooh1172614508q.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/i/viewer.php?id=ooh1172614508q.jpg)

source:http://www.thenarrative.net/archive/001422.php
Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: xnepali on February 28, 2007, 04:03:49 AM
There is something particularly charming, amusing, about the way the photographer captured these snowmen.

The images rattle around in my mind. I want to go out and build a snowman or two and create a similar effect myself.

What a lovely, lingering idea.


Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: xnepali on February 28, 2007, 04:05:13 AM
Another Snowman Scene that Evokes Memories of Christmas

 Snowman meets Bambi.

Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: xnepali on February 28, 2007, 04:07:09 AM
heartless snow man
Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: xnepali on February 28, 2007, 04:08:32 AM
snow-MAN
Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: xnepali on February 28, 2007, 04:10:30 AM
Poor Snowman.... ch.. ch.. ch
Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: xnepali on February 28, 2007, 04:12:16 AM
Even dogs can build one

Title: How To Get Rich
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:49:13 AM

How To Get Rich

   1.
      Win lottery $
   2.
      Open a guitar store for sales, repair, building, soundproof rooms for playing, and appreciation
   3.
      Telephone store - they can only dial the weather, but at least you could try them first!  AND  Software store - not connected to network or floppies, but at least you could check out the software.
   4.
      Invent some cheap little plastic thing that everyone thinks they want, like the pony tail inverter
   5.
      Copyright and popularize new metric prefix.  ex:  "Those logs must weigh a few a heftograms at least!"
   6.
      Savvy international travel agency specializing in unspoiled cool places, and shattering illusions.
   7.
      Full-size air hockey with real people!
   8.
      Rollerblade/soccer
   9.
      Explain why photons are detectable at a distance (I mean, what are the odds?), copyright the lecture a la Feynman, and rent it out.
  10.
      Surround ourselves with unnecessary but fee-generating bureaucracy
  11.
      Develop and market a cable box that that lets you pick what channels are where, and ignore all others, and maybe even select them by acronym instead of translating (from tv guide:  ch. 10 is NBC is RI-COX south ch. 16)
  12.
      Print our own money in useful denominations that people will want to use, thus giving it value.  ex: $16 bills
  13.
      Make a basic convertible that handles OK, has OK performance, is easy to fix, and looks great at a resonable price.
  14.
      Chain of fully equipped auto repair bays with lifts, lease them out to home mechanics.  (Corollary:  insurance firm for liability insurance, and law firm for the obvious)
  15.
      Make Ed's hats.  (anyone?)
  16.
      Chia-condoms
  17.
      Inherit beau coo $$
  18.
      License 867-5309 as a pay-per-call
  19.
      Marry a wealthy heiress
  20.
      Australian rules curling
  21.
      Space shuttle charters
  22.
      Rock skipping beach (like a driving range)
  23.
      Consultant
  24.
      Presidential Advisor
  25.
      FLIGORS (already taken - Martha's Vineyard)
  26.
      Velcro pajamas & sheets for parents of bedtime resistant kids.  Maybe made of gallium to meet fire safety codes.
  27.
      Lotus|Magellan for windows - it has to work as well!
  28.
      Get really really messed up for a long time, recover, blame an outside source, make self-help tapes and write a book.
  29.
      Bottle springtime (heck, why not all four seasons?  "Winter" for Bermuda?)
  30.
      Rent my airspace to NASA, FAA...
  31.
      Copyright our first names and charge lesser beings royalty fees
  32.
      copyright our initials and charge other people who insist on using them in THEIR copyrighted words (ex:  don booth would get money from CaDBury chocolates)
  33.
      Patent the wheel, or fire
  34.
      Pencils made out of bones, like those stick ones
  35.
      Discover a surprisingly useful and profitable thing to do with an unlikely and disgusting source (ex:  ambergris to perfume or tree pulp to toilet paper)
  36.
      Perfect the method of catapulting as transportation.  There would be local and "hub" catapults, just like airports, and maybe big pits with soft balls in them (like the Discovery Zone) to land in.  Or maybe they could be so well aimed like the dancing water fountains at Epcot.  Whatever, monopolize and profit!
  37.
      Fill celebrity niche left by the late Eva Gabor
  38.
      Emulate tuition management systems
  39.
      Open-til-2AM pizza joint on Bowen's Wharf
  40.
      Pre-fab house modules, velcro-sealed for easy remodeling
  41.
      Enormous Lego to build real houses
  42.
      Every now and then ask people we know to "borrow" a dollar
  43.
      prosthetic thumb
  44.
      NEVER start a body part replacement mail order house
  45.
      Upgradable modular cars with licensing agreements, viz. PC's
  46.
      Buy low, sell high
  47.
      Invent a working transporter.  Make money directly from it, or sell out for HUGE $$$$$ from trucking companies
  48.
      False human ears, so "your friends won't know you're a Vulcan."  Great party gift!
  49.
      KITTY-KLEEN easy clean litter box
  50.
      Safety jumper cables with master switch
  51.
      Gloves with inside sponge and outside brillo
  52.
      Giant sports:  croquet/billiards
  53.
      Indoors no out-of-bounds soccer
  54.
      Rollerblade Australian rules cement hockey
  55.
      Build circum-Jamestown underwater bike tunnel, charge tolls
  56.
      Buy a BIG wrench (maybe two), submit winning bid to dismantle Jamestown Bridge
  57.
      Claim abandoned oil platform as sovereign nation, charge huge tariffs
  58.
      Patent nested cylindrical periodic tables with spinning rare-earths and transition metals
  59.
      Copyright new English words (ex: "Xing" = want to but can't; and "Strow" = to throw randomly around a room) and charge royalties
  60.
      Patent grass, charge "per blade" royalty
  61.
      Football on huge vibrating metal plate, like the game when we were kids
  62.
      Sacrificial anodes for cars
  63.
      carbon-fiber ultra light table wear
  64.
      2 liter soda bottle pressurizer so last inch isn't always flat
  65.
      Geo-synchronous orbit satellite with long hose to home central vacuum cleaner.  As strong as you can get - the power of deep space!
  66.
      Car phone speaker phones. maybe they have this?
  67.
      Giant parachutes for airliners plummeting to the earth.
  68.
      Same product line as #67:  After emergency oxygen system is engaged, airplane cabin fills with non-flammable neoprene foam that completely encases all passengers and fills the entire cabin space.  Passengers can be carved from the  wreckage by rescuers, then hosed off with a solvent to release them.
  69.
      Hot air balloon that you can steer.
  70.
      Combine windsurfer with bicycle.
  71.
      Charge rent to every company that has a visible logo on your clothing.
  72.
      Mountain bikes with rocket/jet assist for uphill rides.
  73.
      Lightbulbs that change colors as their life dwindles (like those toothbrushes).
  74.
      Naked figure skating as an Olympic sport.
  75.
      Use Bose-Einstein Condensate to build modems so graphical web browsers can work at 300 Baud with 8088 computers, rather than letting them fill up valuable landfill.
  76.
      3-D LCD glasses as video "eye-phones"
  77.
      Start a chain of auto-repair garages staffed entirely by females, diercted at female customers, so there will be none of that faux-macho overcharging crap. maybe add $20 surcharge for every crude "lube job" remark.
  78.
      Lovingly crafted rare/hard-wood computer cases and components. Can you imagine a beautiful contoured cherry mouse? Awalnut keyboard?
  79.
      Plug and play automotive design. standard sizes for dash components, etc, with industry-wide protocol, and you could choose the dials/controls you want...
  80.
      Rent-a-gun.  Hourly rates.  Free ammo with every .45.  Every night is Saturday Night Special!
  81.
      Hand forged nails/ Screws with lovingly carved thread made by old italian craftsmen.
  82.
      Take the acrylic polymer (redundant?) from a 3-d fabber and replace it with liquid candy and make CAD Candy, in all shapes and sizes!

Title: Engineer fun
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:50:02 AM
Title: Basics Guidelines for Life
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:50:49 AM

Basics Guidelines for Life

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the
River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time
during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do NotPush".
The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray
of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.
Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my
plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp
power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments
that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for
my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look
like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes.
All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops
will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never
utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that,
deathis usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of
machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is
probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems
will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same
reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will
surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

Title: Re: Basics Guidelines for Life
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:51:06 AM
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the
only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to
every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting
for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the
forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and
will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give
the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for
what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my
weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay
him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with
respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it.
Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be
completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell,
I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my
castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my
Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covertmissions that require tact and subtlety,
I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot
learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for targetpractice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramaticallyand toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am
thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used.
Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?",
I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural
supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they
will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual
phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the
Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone whowatches someone
press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that
sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every
surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so.
However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals.
Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two.
They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made
a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me,
I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest,
even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my
five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label
the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of
standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge.
I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff.
(In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

Title: Re: Basics Guidelines for Life
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:51:14 AM
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant,
I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it
has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he
gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him,
and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I
too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason,
I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated,
e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse."
Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properlygrounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my
legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is
unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until
my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged
perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few
months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness.
(Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me,
I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a
useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the
guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on
the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities.
If  I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them.
However if circumstance have forced them together against their will
and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the
intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension,
I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

And, I will have a rubber stamp that reads, "FIND HIM AND KILL HIM."

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will
provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Title: HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:52:26 AM
HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with the
meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. There ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools
ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still great places
to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League colleges
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a
leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So
are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while
getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.

20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the blues
Title: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:54:09 AM
Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

Title: Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:54:34 AM
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-d...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
Title: Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:54:55 AM

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
Title: Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:55:13 AM

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?".
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear" she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room".
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy".

Title: Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:55:34 AM
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?".
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.".

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

Title: Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:55:47 AM
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Title: Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:55:57 AM

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ".
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?".
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!".
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Title: 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.
Post by: xnepali on October 09, 2007, 09:22:27 PM
50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

Title: Re: 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.
Post by: xnepali on October 09, 2007, 09:22:48 PM
26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

That is all.

source: http://tweekerchick.blogspot.com/2006/11/so.html
Title: What to Do With Hotel Soap
Post by: xnepali on October 14, 2007, 11:09:38 PM
What to Do With Hotel Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters
to the London Sunday Times!


Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on
top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we
are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your
way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I
put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't
remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the
medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to
when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further
assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept
my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have
54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me
back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:

 - On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
   stack of 2.

 - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

 - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,

 - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

 - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
   of 2.

 - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

 - On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

 - On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4  have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Title: Re: What to Do With Hotel Soap
Post by: gigolo on October 15, 2007, 02:46:54 PM
hahaha that's funny yaar
Title: hindi funny SMS
Post by: xnepali on October 17, 2007, 03:16:54 AM
1) Q : Wat is the height of mixed emotion ???Ans : Wen ur mother -in- law falls from 7th floor on ur mercedes.... .

2) Boy: O Bewafa tune Shadi Q ki? Mera Dil jal k Raakh ho gaya...
Girl: Fikr na kar tumhari Raakh bekar na jayegi...
Yahan bhej do Bartan dhone k kaam aayegi.

3) Nari ke chakkar me bhulo mat yari, Laat maaregi naari to yaad ayegi yaari, Baat maano hamari ban jao brahmchari, Ye jaankari janhit me jaari

4) What is d diff
btwn
daava n daru?

Dava
is lik ''grlfrnd"
dat comes
with expiry date

n

daru
is
like ''wife''
jitni purani hogi
utni sir pe chadti hai.

5) 1 Medical student ne apni classmate ko khun se likha letter dekar kaha,"Muje iska ans jarur dena
Ladki Ne jawab diya,"Tumara blodgrup A+ Hai

6) Aey mere kadradan Dost meri jaan.Tum hamesha rahoge hattekatte naujawan kyounki...Jab Khuda meherban to GADHA bhi PAHALWAN.

7) Napolean:There' s no such word as impossible in my dictionary.. ...

Sardarji : Oye!!!
Toh dictionary dekh ke kharidni
thi na!

8) Om namah shivaye
om sai ram
wahe guru
jai shri krishna..... . ... ............
dar mat kisi ko bhejna nahi hai...khud hi jap le..."Papi".

9) English teacher: "One cute & young girl is walking on d road."
Change this into an Exclamatory sentence.
Student: "Oh GOD, what a piece!!!

10) BANIA apne bacho se bola-Jo rat ko khana nahi khayega,use 5 Rs dunga.
Bache 5-5 Rs le kar so gaye.Subah bola-Jo 5Rs dega use hi khana milega. JAI BANIA.
Title: MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Post by: xnepali on October 17, 2007, 03:17:26 AM
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE  MENU


Hello and thank you for calling The State  Mental Hospital.


Please select from the  following options menu:


If you are  obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.


If  you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2  for you.


If you have multiple personalities,  press 3, 4, 5 and 6.


If you are paranoid, we  know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the
line so we can trace your  call.


If you are delusional, press 7 and your  call will be forwarded to the
MotherShip.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a  little voice will
tell
you which number to  press.


If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't  matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy  anyway.


If you are dyslexic, press  9696969696969696.


If you are bipolar, please  leave a message after the beep or before
the
beep or after the  beep. Please wait for the  beep.


If you have short-term memory loss,  press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term  memory loss, press 9.


If you have low  self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too
busy
to talk with  you.


If you are menopausal, put the guns down, hang  up, turn on the fan,
lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy  forever.


If you are blonde, don't press any  buttons, you'll just mess it  up
anyhow."
Title: Do You Think English is Easy???
Post by: xnepali on October 17, 2007, 03:18:50 AM
Do You Think English is Easy???

Read to the end . . a new twist to an oldie
[/size]


Can you read these right the first time?
     1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to
produce produce.


3) The dump was so full that it had to
refuse more refuse.


4) We must
polish the Polish  furniture.


5) He could
lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to
desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the
present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A
bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the
dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not
object to the object.

11) The insurance was
invalid for  the invalid.

12) There was a
row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too
close to the door to close it.

14) The buck
does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a
sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his
sow to sow.

17) The
wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the
tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to
subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I
intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a strange language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?


If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"



You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is
"UP." [/size]

It's easy to understand
[/size]UP[/size], meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP[/size]? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP[/size]? Why do we speak UP[/size] and why are the officers UP[/size] for election and why is it UP[/size] to the secretary to write [/size]UP[/size] a report?

We call
[/size]UP[/size] our friends. And we use it to brighten [/size]UP[/size] a room, polish UP[/size] the silver, we warm [/size]UP[/size] the leftovers and clean UP[/size] the kitchen. We lock UP[/size] the house and some guys fix UP[/size] the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir [/size]UP[/size] trouble, line [/size]UP[/size] for tickets, work [/size]UP[/size] an appetite, and think [/size]UP[/size] excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP[/size] is special.

And this
UP[/size] is confusing: A drain must be opened UP[/size] because it is stopped UP[/size]. We open UP[/size] a store in the morning but we close it UP[/size] at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed
UP[/size] about UP[/size]! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of [/size]UP[/size], look the word UP[/size] in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP[/size] almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP[/size] to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP[/size] to it, you might try building UP[/size] [/size]a list of the many ways UP[/size] is  used. It will take [/size]UP[/size] a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP[/size], you may wind UP[/size] with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding [/size]UP[/size]. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP[/size] .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things
UP[/size].[/size] [/size]

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry
UP[/size].

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it
UP[/size], for now my time is UP[/size], so........... it is time to shut [/size]UP[/size].....!

Oh . . . one
more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U-P[/size]
Title: Re: Do You Think English is Easy???
Post by: xnepali on October 17, 2007, 03:34:27 AM
Same text
In plain letters







Do You Think English is Easy???

Read to the end . . a new twist to an oldie


Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce.


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a strange language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we
awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened
UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP.....!

Oh . . . one
more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
Title: To realize
Post by: xnepali on October 17, 2007, 03:35:20 AM
To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident...

To! realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when

you can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.
Title: Why are Indian husbands called "MADE OF SILVER"
Post by: xnepali on October 17, 2007, 03:37:06 AM
Why are Indian husbands called "MADE OF SILVER"

And

Why are American husbands called "MADE OF GOLD"


Think about it

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Think more

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Don't you know?


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BCoz










Indian wives call their husband "A g" ( Scientific Symbol for Silver)

American wives call their husband "A u" ( Scientific Symbol for Gold)
Title: Single, but needn't mingle
Post by: xnepali on October 17, 2007, 03:37:58 AM
Title: men
Post by: xnepali on October 17, 2007, 03:39:06 AM
The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome AND nice men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have no money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW...WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?!?!
 
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
Title: SMS Nepali ma
Post by: xnepali on October 29, 2007, 10:31:35 PM
1.तिन महान वी.पी. कोईराला जो बितिसके मदन भण्डारी जो सिद्धिइसके नारायण गोपाल जलि सके बाँकी २ जना छौं,तिमी र म भेट्दै गरौं है ।

2.कहाँ छौ मित्र ? जहाँ भएपनि ६,७ घन्टा जहाँ हो त्यहीँ बस । तिम्रो ज्यानको खतरा हुनसक्छ............ .........किनकी नगरपालिकाले आज शहरको सबै भुस्याहा कुकुर मार्न थालेको रहेछ

3.दुई भन्दा बढी सन्तान नजन्माऔं............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......एकबर्षमा ।

4.स्त्रिको कपडाकोमा सबैभन्दा बढी बेरिने गायककार को हो ?
उत्तरः उदीतनारायण झा । किनकी उनकै भनाई अनुसार कहिले तिम्रो पछ्यौरीमा अल्झें, कहिले तिम्रौ चोबन्दीमा अल्झें ।

5.निन्द्रा भगाउने उत्तम उपाय.....प्रेम गर्नोस् । किन ? किनकी भन्छन्: प्रेममा भोक,प्यास र निन्द्रा हराउँछ ।

6.मित्र, तिमीजस्तो राम्रो र असलमानिस यो संसारको अर्को कुनैपनि खण्डमा छैन भ............ ......... ..

7.लम्फुलाई मेसेज आयोः यो मेसेज पठाउने हिरो पढ्ने जिरो लम्फुले सो मेसेज रिप्लाई गरिदियोः यो मेसेज पठाउने जिरो, पढेने हिरो ।

8.रामले धनुष भाँच्दा जनक खुशी शिवले डमरु बजाउँदा पार्वती खुशी कृष्णले बाँसुरी बजाउँदा राधा खुशी मैले सुशेली बजाउँदा तिम्रो बाउ किन बेखुशी यार ?

9.लुगा धुने धोबी तरकारी खाने कोबी जो एसएमएस पठाउँदैन उ संसारको उत्कृष्ट लोभी

(got them in email)
Title: Re: SMS Nepali ma
Post by: xnepali on October 29, 2007, 10:32:00 PM
IF I am not mailing you it doesnot means that i have forgoten you
I am just Giving you chance to miss me!!!!
Title: 'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY..." story
Post by: xsajha on November 08, 2007, 06:29:24 AM
A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it.

He held it up for all to see; asked the students,' How much do you think this glass weighs? '

'50gms!' .... '100gms!' ......'125gms' ......the students answered.

'I really don't know unless I weigh it,' said the professor,'but, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?'

'Nothing' the students said.

'Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour? ' the professor asked.

'Your arm would begin to ache' said one of the students.

'You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?'

'Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress; paralysis;

Have to go to hospital for sure!'ventured another student; all the students laughed.

'Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change? ' asked

The professor. 'No' the students said.

Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress?'

The students were puzzled.

'Put the glass down!' said one of the students.

'Exactly!' said the professor.' Life's problems are something like this.

Hold it for a few minutes in your head; they seem OK.

Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache. Hold it even longer & they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.

It's important to think of the challenges (problems) in your life, but

EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to 'put them down' at the end of every day before you go to sleep.

That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh & strong & can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!'

Remember to 'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY!
Title: Re: SMS Nepali ma
Post by: Xteam on November 08, 2007, 02:45:29 PM
ha..ha. pailo choti nepali ma sms padheko ramro layo malai
aaune din haru ma pani post gardai garnu la
Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: xnepali on November 09, 2007, 04:12:09 AM
(http://xnepali.com/ihost/thumbs/bfi1194560739y.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/ihost/viewer.php?id=bfi1194560739y.jpg)
Title: Re: Snow man .. and women
Post by: Xteam on November 15, 2007, 10:06:03 PM
snow-MAN

yo pic chai malai daami lagyo yaar thank you ......
Title: Funny Facts
Post by: xnepali on November 17, 2007, 01:22:59 PM
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Close to 80% of people who watch the Super Bowl on television, only do so to view the commercials.
For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn pages.
Each card in a deck represents a king from history: Spades- King David, Hearts- Charlemagne, Clubs-Alexander the Great, Diamonds- Julius Caesar
The word "politics" describes the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
GOLF stands for "Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden."
If you add up the letters in all the names of the cards in the deck (Ace, two), the total # of letters is 52, the same as the # of cards in the deck.
The tune of The Star Spangled Banner was an old English drinking song . It was not made the official national anthem until 1931.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".
There are no clocks in Las Vegas casinos.
Until the 1960's men with long hair were not allowed to enter Disneyland.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
Mel Blanc, who played the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
Soccer is the most attended or watched sport in the world.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
Donald Duck comics were once banned from Finland because Donald doesn't wear pants.
Title: Re: Funny Facts
Post by: xnepali on November 17, 2007, 01:23:41 PM
It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary.

Albert Einstein's parents were worried he was mentally slow, because it took him a long time to learn how to speak.

It is the female lion who does more than 90 percent of the hunting, while the male is afraid to risk his life, or simply prefers to rest.

In rural areas, there are more insects in 1 square mile than there are humans on earth.

Everyone is colourblind at birth.
Title: Namaste !!
Post by: xnepali on November 22, 2007, 11:55:31 AM
(http://xnepali.com/ihost/thumbs/jdv1195711801t.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/ihost/viewer.php?id=jdv1195711801t.jpg)
Title: Re: Namaste !!
Post by: Xteam on November 22, 2007, 12:01:44 PM
 oh oh oh ho kya style chha yaar Namste !!!
Title: Man walks free after sheep refuses to testify
Post by: xnepali on November 29, 2007, 01:21:02 AM
Man walks free after sheep refuses to testify

A man who was accused of having sex with a sheep has walked free after the animal was unable to testify.

The man, from Haaksbergen, near Utrecht, the Netherlands, was reported to police after a farmer caught him having sex with a sheep.

But the case was thrown out of court as the sheep couldn't take to the stand to testify it didn't want to have sex and had suffered emotional stress.

Under Dutch law, bestiality is not a crime unless it can be proved the animal didn't want to have sex.

'Short of putting the sheep in the dock, at the moment these perverts cannot be prosecuted,' said animal rights campaigner Jos van Huisen.

Minister of Justice Ernst Hirsch Ballin has said he plans to change the law to make bestiality a criminal offence.


source: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=59184&in_page_id=2
Date: Monday, July 30, 2007
Title: Man and donkey!
Post by: xnepali on December 08, 2007, 11:55:24 PM
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
If, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work


Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money
If Men - earn money = Donkeys
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys


Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend
If, Women - spend = Donkeys
In other words,
Women that don't spend = Donkeys

To Conclude:
* Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys!
* Women spend not to let men become Donkeys!
* Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys!
** And the Donkeys lived happily ever after!
Title: The Great Indian White Bra - Bollywood history
Post by: xsajha on December 11, 2007, 07:09:46 AM
Title: Re: The Great Indian White Bra - Bollywood history
Post by: xsajha on December 11, 2007, 07:17:54 AM
Title: Top 10 Programming Quotations
Post by: xnepali on December 13, 2007, 10:33:10 AM
So, here it is, the Top 10:

# Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning.
Anon


# If you lie to the compiler, it will get its revenge.
Henry Spencer


# Be careful about using the following code -- I've only proven that it works, I haven't tested it.
Donald Knuth


# The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Bertrand Russell


# The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.
Tom Cargill


# For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
H L Mencken


# The Six Phases of a Project:
- Enthusiasm
- Disillusionment
- Panic
- Search for the Guilty
- Punishment of the Innocent
- Praise for non-participants


# When you start off by telling those who disagree with you that they are not merely in error but in sin, how much of a dialogue do you expect ?"
Thomas Sowell


# Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
Bill Gates


# Organizations which design systems are constrained to produce designs which are copies of the communication structures of these organizations.
Conway's Law
Title: Monitor Cleaner !!
Post by: xnepali on December 13, 2007, 10:39:00 AM
http://www.funpic.hu/swf/monitor_cleaner.swf
Title: HOW TO SING THE BLUES
Post by: xnepali on December 13, 2007, 10:51:27 AM
HOW TO SING THE BLUES

by Lame Mango Washington
(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don't care.
Title: ### Frequently Asked Question about Pregnancy
Post by: xnepali on December 13, 2007, 11:00:32 AM
 # Frequently Ask & Question about Pregnancy

Here are the most frequently questions to ask about pregnancy. But its just a joke. Don't take it too serious. So check it out and have fun...

1.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

2
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

3.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

4.
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

5.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

6.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

7.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

8.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

9.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

10.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

11.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

12
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

13.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

14.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

15.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

16.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

17.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

18.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

19.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

20.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

21.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

22.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

23.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

24.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Title: Bono U2 singer .... .... ya evil bastard!
Post by: xsajha on December 14, 2007, 08:51:57 AM
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...

'Well, f -- ckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'
Title: 12 Items You CAN'T Sell On ebay
Post by: xnepali on December 18, 2007, 12:38:22 PM
12 Items You CAN'T Sell On ebay

Millions of would-be entrepreneurs want to sell things on ebay. ebay is the #1 home-business opportunity in the world right now, so it's natural that many are eager to find highly profitable items for re-sale on ebay. However, it's important to know that there are certain items that can't be sold. Here are a dozen of them ...

Some items are copyright infringement and can actually land a seller in federal prison:

1. Knock offs of music, TV shows or movies. The "bootleg" movies, for example, are often made by guys who sneak a movie camera into a newly-released movie where presumably, they crouch behind a seat and make a crummy copy. There is a large production of these counterfeit items in Asia where US laws have no power.

2. Software and computer games can likewise be copied and their sale is illegal by all US laws.

Naturally, the items above may be sold if you have a copy that you purchased legitimately and no longer want.

3. The so-called "replica" market for handbags, designer sunglasses and clothing is definitely forbidden although these items are often sold in physical stores around the US. Ironically, when attending ebay Live In New Orleans in 2004, we found a store in one of their famous markets selling replica purses that were not allowed on ebay.

4. Lazy and less-than-honest sellers often steal copyrighted material from other sellers. This has happened to me many times and ebay has a program called VERO (Verified Rights Owner) that will remove offending auctions, although there seems to be no penalty attached to the seller, which is unfortunate.

5. Alcoholic beverage sales are not allowed although a beverage "container', especially those of wine, may be sold for its value.

6. Cigarettes, cigars, smokeless tobacco or coupons for such items are not permitted on ebay.com.

The ebay rules for collectible tobacco and alcohol containers are the same:

* The value of the item is in the collectible packaging, not in the wine/tobacco itself.

* The listing description should state that the package has not been opened, but that the twine/tobacco within is not for consumption.

* The collectible tobacco packaging must not be available at any retail outlet, and packaging must have a value that substantially exceeds the current retail price of that wine/tobacco product in the package.

* Sellers must take steps to ensure that the buyer of these collectibles is at least 18 years of age

7. Firearms are strictly regulated by US law and may not be sold on ebay.

8. Satellite and cable TV descramblers are forbidden by the Federal Trade Commission.

9. Animals and wildlife products may not be sold, which includes stuffed birds and pelts from endangered species. There are limited sales of ivory, tortoise shell, marine products and other items relating to animals. This area is quite complex and any would-be seller needs to thoroughly understand the various laws before getting involved in these sales.

10. Event tickets have state-by-state laws that make their sale complex. Some states, for instance, forbid anyone to make more than a few dollars in profit (or no profit at all) on the resale of tickets. For instance, Florida law states that tickets can be resold at no more than face value plus $1. In such states, these regulations apply only to buyers and sellers located in the same state as the actual event, meaning if a seller lives in Florida, he can't profit from ticket sales to Florida events. However, if he lives in any of the other 39 states, this restriction doesn't apply.

11. Listing a catalog of items that a seller offers for sale is forbidden. The only catalogs legally sold on ebay are collectible kinds, such as an old Sears Roebuck or Montgomery Wards catalog that is memorabilia and doesn't offer current merchandise for sale.

12. Raffles and prizes are 100% prohibited. According to ebay, such promotions are highly regulated and may be unlawful in many states.

There are other kinds of merchandise that a seller may not sell on ebay, so carefully check ebay rules before listing anything. It's much better to know the rules in advance of spending money that can't be recouped.
Title: Re: Basics Guidelines for Life
Post by: uxwall on July 02, 2018, 08:12:22 AM
does not make sense