Nepali Community Forum

xNepali Forum => Fun Stuffs / Literature => Topic started by: xnepali on April 18, 2007, 04:13:56 AM

Title: Things To Do When You're Bored
Post by: xnepali on April 18, 2007, 04:13:56 AM
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."
They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

 

    Q:  What is your date of birth?

    A:  July fifteen.

    Q:  What year?

    A:  Every year.

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    A:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    A: I forget.

    Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How old is your son, the one living with you?

    A:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    Q:  How long has he lived with you?

    A:  Forty-five years.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

    A:  He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    Q:  And why did that upset you?

    A:  My name is Susan.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  And where was the location of the accident?

    A:  Approximately milepost 499.

    Q:  And where is milepost 499?

    A:  Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Sir, what is your IQ?

    A:  Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Did you blow your horn or anything?

    A:  After the accident?

    Q:  Before the accident.

    A:  Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

    A:  Yes, sir.

    Q:  What did she say?

    A:  What disco am I at?

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
          it until the next morning?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Did he kill you?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How many times have you committed suicide?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  And what were you doing at that time?

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  She had three children, right?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  How many were boys?

    A:  None.

    Q:  Were there any girls?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  You say the stairs went down to the basement?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  And these stairs, did they go up also?

    --------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

    A:  I went to Europe, Sir.

    Q:  And you took your new wife?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How was your first marriage terminated?

    A:  By death.

    Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Can you describe the individual?

    A:  He was about medium height and had a beard.

    Q:  Was this a male, or a female?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
          which I sent to your attorney?

    A:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    A:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?

    A:  Oral.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    A:  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    Q:  And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

    A:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
           autopsy.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    A:  No.

    Q:  Did you check for blood pressure?

    A:  No.

    Q:  Did you check for breathing?

    A:  No.

    Q:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
          the autopsy?

    A:  No.

    Q:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

    A:  It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  You were not shot in the fracas?

    A:  No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: gigolo on April 18, 2007, 04:27:01 PM
milepost wala chai damiz lagyo and tyo stairs going up and down tyo chai banayeko joke ho jasto lagyo its certainly not real tyo hindi movie ma pani vaneko cha most funny chai date of birth thiyo mero feeling ma thanks bro keep posting
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 02, 2007, 02:06:27 AM
ACTUAL ENGLISH SUBTITLES USED IN FILMS MADE IN HONG KONG


1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. [sic, of course]

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough examination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: gigolo on June 02, 2007, 02:57:13 AM
chinese lang. lai direct english ma translate garda yestai suncha
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 02, 2007, 05:51:49 AM


Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay

The following are actual winning analogies in the "worst
analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest

 

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaak/ch@ng by mistake.

He was as tall as a six-foot three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be burried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a drier without "Cling-Free."

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayola crayon.
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 02, 2007, 05:53:21 AM
Instruction Labels on Consumer Goods

Some examples of why the human race probably has evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

 

On Sears hair dryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."

On a Swann frozen dinner:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
"Fits one head."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
"Do not turn upside down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
"Do not drive car or operate machinery."

On Nytol sleep aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On a Korean kitchen knife:
"Warning: Keep out of children."

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 02, 2007, 05:59:06 AM
Driver's Education Exam Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

 

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 02, 2007, 05:59:47 AM
 Excuses

The following is a collection of "actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling)" from the Office of Educational Assessment at the University of Washington.

 

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 02, 2007, 06:00:11 AM


Newspaper Headlines

 

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:53:20 AM
Resume Quotations

The following quotations were taken from resumes and cover letters from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into writing these documents, it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people.

Resumes:

    * "I am very detail-oreinted."

    * "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

    * "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

    * "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

    * "Served as assistant sore manager."

    * "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

    * "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

    * "Special skills: Thyping."

    * "Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

    * "I can play well with others."

    * "I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

    * "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

    * "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

    * "I eat computers for lunch."

    * "I have used lots of software appilcations."

    * "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

    * "Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

    * "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

    * "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

    * "I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

    * "I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

    * "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

    * "I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."

    * "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

    * "Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

    * "My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

    * "I love dancing and throwing parties."

    * "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

    * "I am a rabid typist."

    * "Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

    * "Special Skills: Speak English."

    * "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

    * "Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

    * "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

    * "Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

    * "Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

    * "Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

    * "Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

    * "Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

    * "ONCE FOCUSED ON AN OBJECTIVE, I BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE AN UNDYING LUST FOR SUCCESS WITH ACCURACY AND EFFECIENCY."

    * "AT ONE POINT IN TIME DURING [John Doe's] 28 YEARS ON THIS PLANET, HE WAS IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT; WHICH PUT A FEW YEARS THERAPY, SOME 'ROLLERCOASTER' EMOTIONAL SOUL JOURNEYS, AND A WICKED JOB RESUME, WHICH MOST EMPLOYERS WOULD FROWN UPON, AROUND HIS PRESENT IDENTITY... TEN YEARS 'IN THE RUNNING'. HOWEVER, GIVEN THE PRESENT CASH FLOW, VIA. THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT, CONSISTENCY, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY, HAVE BEEN REALIZED AND TOUCHED UPON OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS. ALL IN ALL, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS IS GROWING NEAR END IN RESPONSE TO MY ACCUMULATED WORK HISTORY. HENCE, I SEE URGENCY, CLOSURE, SOME FEAR, STRONG DESIRE, AND MATURITY ALL WOVEN INTO THIS EXPRESSION OF ME, THE EMPLOYEE TO YOU, THE EMPLOYER."

    * "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

    * "Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

    * "My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

    * "Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

    * "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

    * "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."

    * "Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."

    * "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

    * "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

    * "Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

    * "Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."

    * "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

    * "Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

    * "Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:53:49 AM
Cover Letters:

    * "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

    * "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."

    * "I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."

    * "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."

    * "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

    * "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."

    * "If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."

    * "My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."

    * "You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"

    * "I am sicking and entry-level position."

    * "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

    * "I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."

    * "I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."

    * "Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."

    * "I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."

    * "I need just enough money to have pizza every night."

    * "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

    * "I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."

    * "My primary goal is to be recognized."

    * "Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."

    * "My salary requirement is $34 per year."

    * "I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."

    * "I am superior to anyone else you could hire."

    * "I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."

    * "Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However..."

    * "I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."

    * "I worked here full-time there."

    * "I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."

    * "You are privileged to receive my resume."

(source: http://www.rinkworks.com/said/resume.shtml)
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:54:30 AM
Kids' Ideas About Love

Kids, aged 5 to 10, were asked questions about what they thought of love and marriage. Here's what they said.

Love and Marriage:

    * "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

    * "Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9

    * "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8

    * "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9

    * "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

    * "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5

    * "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10

    * "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6

    * "One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

    * "My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8

    * "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7

    * "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8

    * "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9

    * "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

    * "Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10

    * "A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10

    * "[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10

    * "Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

    * "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:54:42 AM
Kissing:

    * "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8

    * "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10

    * "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9

    * "You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7

    * "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6

    * "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10

    * "I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8

    * "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7

    * "The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8

    * (on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" -- Boy, age 6
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:54:52 AM
Beauty:

    * "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Anita, age 8

    * "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -- Christine, age 9

    * "It isn't always how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything, and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:55:10 AM
How People In Love Act:

    * "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8

    * "They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10

    * "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -- Sherm, age 8

    * "Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." -- Sarah, age 9

    * "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9

    * "See if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- John, age 9

    * "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -- Craig, age 9
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:55:19 AM
What Mom and Dad Have In Common:

    * "Both don't want no more kids." -- Lori, age 8
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:55:30 AM
How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

    * "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6

    * "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:55:37 AM
Deciding Who To Marry:

    * "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10

    * "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:55:47 AM
Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:

    * "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6

    * "Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9

    * "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8

    * "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9

    * "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:55:58 AM
The Best Age To Get Married:

    * "Twenty three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." -- Cam, age 10

    * "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married!" -- Freddie, age 6
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:56:07 AM
Good Advice About Love:

    * "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -- Dick, age 7

    * "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8

    * "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7

    * "Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8

    * "Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8

    * "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8

    * "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." -- Natalie, age 9
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:56:19 AM
What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour:

    * "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -- Craig, age 9

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":

    * "The person is thinking: 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.'" -- Michelle, age 9

    * "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it, and now they can go eat." -- Dick, age 7

Why People In Love Often Hold Hands:

    * "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." -- Gavin, age 8

    * "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- John, age 9

Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:

    * "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6

    * "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8

    * "'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9

    * "'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" -- Arnold, age 10

    * "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9

    * "'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:56:36 AM
Kids' Ideas About Science

Most of these quotations were gleaned from classroom discussions in 5th and 6th grade science classes.

    * "One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second."

    * "You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind."

    * "Talc is found on rocks and on babies."

    * "Isn't inertia when something is moving, then it stops moving and keeps moving?"

    * "The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down."

    * "When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."

    * "When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting."

    * "Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand."

    * "While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating."

    * "Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."

    * "South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage."

    * "Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south."

    * "A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."

    * "There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever."

    * "There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days."

    * "Lime is a green-tasting rock."

    * "Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil."

    * "Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't why you should."

    * "Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there."

    * "Some oxygen molecules help fires burn, while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother."

    * "Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers."

    * "We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."

    * "To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up."

    * "In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's."

    * "Clouds are high flying fogs."

    * "I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."

    * "Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do."

    * "Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does."

    * "Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water."

    * "We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe."

    * "Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail."

    * "Rain is saved up in cloud banks."

    * "In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes."

    * "Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man."

    * "The wind is like the air, only pushier."

    * "A blizzard is when it snows sideways."

    * "A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size."

    * "A monsoon is a French gentleman."

    * "Thunder is a rich source of loudness."

    * "Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound."

    * "It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places."

    * "Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:56:57 AM
Kid Quotes

Sometimes kids say things in innocence that are simply hilarious. Here's an assortment of selected quotations from kids.

Quick Quotations:

    * "I'm being haive!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave

    * "I'm not an oxymoron!" -- 7 year old

    * "TNT." -- Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word "dynamite."

    * "I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.

    * "I had to read and write six book reports." -- Girl, in an email to her friend, attempting to explain what she had to do over the summer. She later tried sending a correction, which read, "I had to read and write six books."

    * "Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent." -- 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean

    * "Do they look after the Pokemon?" -- City kid, when asked what a gamekeeper does.

    * "Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive

    * "I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.

    * "There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.

    * "Quiet!" -- 4 year old, when asked what begins with 'M' and sounds good.

    * "If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon

    * "Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.

    * "Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father

    * "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom." -- 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens

    * "How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom

    * "They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut

    * "Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.

    * "I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time." -- Fifth grader, to his class.

    * "Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.

    * "Are you kidding me?! They go together like balogna and cheese! No, wait. More like mayonnaise and bread." -- 9 year old girl, when asked if her brother and cousin hang out a lot.

    * "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." -- A young son, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers

    * "Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet." -- 3 year old son, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet

    * "Mommy, you said it would be a shot; instead it was a needle!" -- Boy, overheard at the hospital

    * "How do you put make up on your mind?" -- Girl, when told she should make up her mind.

    * "I wish someone we knew would die so we could leave them flowers." -- 6 year old girl, upon seeing flowers in a cemetery.

    * "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email." -- 4 year old girl, misquoting the Lord's Prayer

    * "Watch out, Daddy. Mommy's got her eye on you!" -- 4 year old girl, after hearing her mother telling her father that she'd take an I.O.U. for a promised restaurant dinner.

    * "I didn't look much -- I've only got little eyes!" -- 7 year old, about to be scolded for peeking at her Christmas presents. [New!]

    * "When you were my age, you was just a baby!" -- 5 year old.

    * "Why don't they just do what they did in 1899?" -- On preparing for Y2K in 1999.

    * "Daddy doesn't like that man, does he?" -- Daughter of John Cleese and Connie Booth, during the filming of the Black Knight scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

I Feel So Old:

    * "This is the biggest CD I've ever seen!" -- On first seeing a record.

    * "You know those big CDs?" -- High school student describing a record.

What We Learned From the Ice Storm of 1998:

    * "Never take your little sister to a shelter." -- 12 year old

    * "Trees aren't as strong as I thought they were." -- 11 year old

    * "Not to kid around saying timber around people." -- 12 year old

    * "Don't live in Maine." -- 13 year old

    * "I learned that if you plug your generator into your TV, VCR, or your computer, it will cause too much friction and it will blow up." -- 10 year old

    * "I didn't miss school at all. What are you talking about?" -- 15 year old

Kid Stories:
The other day my five year old grandson was lounging on my lap.

    * Him: "Poppop, you have hair in your nose."
    * Me: "Everybody has hair in their nose."
    * Him: "But you have a lot of hair in your nose."
    * Me: "Well, it's not growing on top of my head very well. I have to grow it somewhere."
    * Him: (thoughtful pause) "Do you want me to pull some of it out for you?"

I declined the offer.

In a preschool class I used to teach, we had two little girls who played every day that they were characters from classic Disney cartoons. One day I heard one calling the other "Allison." I didn't know a single Disney character named Allison, so I asked the little girl who she was today. She replied, "Allison Wonderland."

Conversation overheard at a zoo in Tasmania, where a young kid was looking at a wombat:

    * Kid: "Look Dad, dog!"
    * Dad: "No, not a dog. Remember, we talked about what this is?"
    * Kid: (thinks) "Dog!"
    * Dad: "Noooo. It starts with a 'w'."
    * Kid: "W......w......w......wdog!"

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

A high school teacher asked when surfing was popular in the USA. A cheerleader in the class said, "The 60s." The teacher asked her to be more specific, and she said, confidently, "The 1960s."

I just had an interesting conversation with my sister. She was talking about the "carcass" of a printer.

    * Me: "You mean 'cartridge'? 'Carcass' is a dead body."
    * Her: "Oh, yeah, cartridge! But a dead body is a 'cork'."
    * Me: "'Cork'? You mean 'corpse'?"
    * Her: "Uh, yeah."

I had a party a few weeks ago, and a really good friend of the family had brought some cousins, about 7 and 5 years old. The older one looked up at a guest and said:

    * Older Kid: "I bet you're 40."
    * Younger Kid: "No, he's 80!"
    * Older Kid: "85!"
    * Younger Kid: "No, he's 100!"
    * Older Kid: "He's not 100, that's when you die."

When I called home one day, my six year old son answered the phone. "Hello," he said, panting a little. I said, "Hi, Nick. Wow, you sound out of breath." He replied, "No, I have more."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

When we were trick or treating in my neighborhood, my three year old cousin came along. When we walked down the side of the street, and whenever he saw a stop sign, he made us all stop in front of it, look both ways, then continue on.

In my Sunday School class, we discussed what we would give up for Lent. One eight year old girl said she'd give up homework. I replied that the idea was to give up something she liked. She said, "But I like homework!" A seven year old boy, in the same class, said he'd give up fighting with his brother. I asked if he could give it up for so long. He said, "Well, it's only until next week, so that's ok."

I told my boys, aged 9 and 6, that I wanted to stop and get some hair coloring. My 6 year old asked what color I was getting and why. I told him that it was just to cover my gray and left it at that. They were like kids in a candy store, searching for the "perfect" color. We agreed on one, bought it, and left. That weekend, at church, a lady said she really liked the color of my hair. My 9 year old beamed and said, "Thanks, I picked it out!"

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side), put his hands up like claws, and roar. Step, step, ROAR, step step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing and was almost crying by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:57:22 AM
Exams and Papers

The following are quotes from exams and papers assigned to 7th through 12th students and, for the music section, college students. They were supplied by teachers across the nation.

Science:

    * "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

    * "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

    * "To collect fumes of suphur, hold on a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

    * "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

    * "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

    * "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

    * "The largest organ in the human body is the head."

    * "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration."

    * "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

    * "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

    * "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

    * "Germinate means to become a naturalized German."

    * "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off."

    * "A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky."

    * "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

    * "To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in."

    * "The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation."

    * "The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours."

    * "Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."

    * "We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks."

    * "The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now."

    * "English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse."

    * "People shouldn't be allowed to shoot extinct animals."

    * "Humans are more intelligent than beasts because human branes have more convulsions."

    * "If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence."

    * "A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle."
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:57:40 AM
Medicine:

    * "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

    * "For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

    * "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

    * "For fractures: To see if the limb is broken, giggle it gently back and forth."

    * "For dust in the eye: Pull the eye down over the nose."

    * "Blood flows down one leg and back the other."

    * "When you haven't enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier."

    * "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

    * "Many women believe that an alcoholic beverage will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

    * "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

Geography:

    * "Rhode." -- An answer given to the question, "What is the only island state?"

History:

    * "The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense."

    * "Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head."

    * "Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes."

    * "The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system."

    * "Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife dies, and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'"

    * "Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe."

    * "The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this."

    * "Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead."

    * "Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms."

    * "Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel."

    * "Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English."

    * "Bach died from 1750 to the present."

    * "Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He expired in 1827 and later died for this."

    * "[Napoleon] wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children."

    * "The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West."

    * "Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years."

    * "Queen Victoria's reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality."

    * "Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign."

    * "Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis."

    * "Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices."

    * "It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance."

    * "Without Greeks, we wouldn't have history."

    * "One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable."

    * "Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey."

    * "Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of the same name."

    * "In the Olympics Games, Greeks ran races jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java."

    * "The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands."

    * "When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men."

    * "Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks."

    * "The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled."

The Bible

    * "In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off."

    * "Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."

    * "Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."

    * "Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears."

    * "Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."

    * "Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah."

    * "Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients."

    * "The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert."

    * "Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments."

    * "The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple."

    * "The Fifth Commandment is 'Humor thy father and mother.'"

    * "The Seventh Commandment is 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'"

    * "Moses died before he ever reached Canada."

    * "Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol."

    * "The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him."

    * "David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar."

    * "David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times."

    * "Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."

    * "The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."

    * "The epistles were the wives of the apostles."

    * "St. Paul cavorted to Christianity."

    * "Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."

    * "In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony."

Literature

    * "Romeo and Juliet were a romantic couplet."

Music

    * "The piano finishes off the piece."

    * "[Beethoven] went death but still kept on writing and producing music. He wrote one more symphony after his death."

    * "Smetana suffered the same fate as Beethoven and went death."

    * "The computer-generated sounds came in with a screeching nose."

    * "It was the most fun self-culturing experience I have endured."

    * "Shania Twain, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson." -- A student naming "three female vocal ranges, from low to high."

    * "Claude Debussy weekend the tonality."

    * "The piece continues on with shirt notes."

    * "[I was] uninterested in leaving before I could here more."

    * "The cello and harpsichord were playing in a very fast beast."

    * "Now tuba, Trump bone, and French horn play..."

    * "I enjoyed the song immensely and was pretty."

    * "It was fun to recognize the Rhonda format and predict what forms would be coming up next."

    * "It started out with all the instruments giving out a welcoming horning."

    * "[It] ends with all of them playing a short long note."

    * "The movement ends with a final foul note."

    * "The trumpets play tonged notes."

    * "I really like how they would sometimes hold their beat and jump to the other."

    * "[The group played] the Second Suite in F by Gustav Hoist."

    * "The third movement was a lower pitched, the flute as if it represented one person and the orchestra a few others, the harsh tones and the melancholy feeling that felt as the orchestra with its brass section the cymbals and the strings all expressed a very angry and vengeful melody."

    * "When the tempo got fast it got me in an exiting mood."

    * "[Meter is] how many beats may be heard before one is stressed."

    * "The melody was plaid for the most part."

    * "This piece got my attention from begging to end."

    * "The horn blowed the piano."

    * "Robert Schumann wanted to become a virtuoso but became a composer because of a disabling finger."

    * "The orchestra sounds like they [are] not worming up yet."
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:58:45 AM
Warning Labels

Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.

Product Warnings:

    * "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet. [New!]

    * "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

    * "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

    * "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

    * "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

    * "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

    * "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

    * "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

    * "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

    * "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

    * "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

    * "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

    * "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

    * "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

    * "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.

    * "Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery.

    * "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

    * "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

    * "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

    * "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

    * "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

    * "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.

    * "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

    * "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

    * "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

    * "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

    * "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

    * "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

    * "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

    * "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

    * "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

    * "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

    * "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

    * "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.

    * "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

    * "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

    * "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

    * "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

    * "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.

    * "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

    * "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.

    * "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

    * "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

    * "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

    * "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

    * "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

    * "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.

    * "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

    * "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.

    * "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

    * "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

    * "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.

    * "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

    * "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

    * "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.

    * "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

    * "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

    * "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

    * "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

    * "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

    * "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

    * "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

    * "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

    * "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

    * "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

    * "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

    * "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

    * "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

    * "Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.

    * "Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."

    * "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

    * "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

    * "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

    * "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

    * "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

    * "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

    * "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

    * "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

    * "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

    * "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

    * "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

    * "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

Assurances:

    * "Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.

Small Print From Commercials:

    * "Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.

    * "Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.

    * "Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.

    * "For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.

Signs and Notices:

    * "No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.

    * "Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.

    * "These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.

    * "All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.

    * "Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.

    * "Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.

    * "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.

    * "Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.

    * "Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.

    * "No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.

    * "Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs." -- A sign, correctly describing the end of a concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge.

Safety Procedures:

    * "Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.

    * "In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.

Ingredients:

    * "Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.

    * "100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.

    * "Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
      Materials:
      Covering: 100% Unknown.
      Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
      -- On a pillow.

Instructions:

    * "Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.

    * "Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.

    * "Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.

    * "Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.

    * "Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.

    * "Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.

    * "Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.

    * "Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.

    * "In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.

    * "Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.

    * "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.

Requirements:

    * "Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 12:59:14 AM
Twins

Upon telling people that I am a twin, I have heard some really interesting comments. I can't tell you how many times this exchange has happened:

    * "Are you two related?"
    * "Yes, we're twins."
    * "Gosh, you look so much alike I would have thought you were sisters."

One of the stories my twin sister and I like to tell is that neither my mother nor her doctor had any idea she was going to have twins until a nurse in the delivery room looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, there's another one!"

A friend to whom I told this story remarked, "Wow! How old were you when this happened?"

Around the beginning of the school year, my sister was talking to a guy in her history class. Apparently the same guy was in my English class but didn't realize there were two of us. He came up to my sister and said, "Hi Sarah."

My sister corrected him. "No, I'm Jennifer."

He got really confused and asked, "Well, how come they call you Sarah in English class?"

If I had a nickel for every time someone pulled something like this on my sister and me....

    * Someone: "So you two are twins?"
    * My Sister and Me: "Yep."
    * Someone: "But you can't be twins! Your names don't rhyme! Her shoelaces are bigger than yours! Your clothes don't match! You weren't born at the exact same second!"
    * My Sister and Me: (sigh)

One of my favorite exchanges about being a twin happens every now and again. It goes like this:

    * "How old are you?"
    * "I'm 27."
    * "How old is your twin sister?"

I have twins that are five months old. Once I was talking to a young man, maybe 19 or 20, who looked at my babies and asked if I had two boys or two girls. I replied, "Oh, they're a boy and a girl."

"I thought they were twins?"

"They are!" I answered, and then I had to explain that, yes, this was possible. He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between fraternal and identical twins.

Finally he asked, "Are you sure?"

When I was in college, I was working for a savings and loan as a security guard at night. One evening, my identical twin brother stopped by, and one of my not-so-bright co-workers was amazed:

    * Co-Worker: "Wow, are you guys twins?"
    * Me: "Yeah."
    * Co-Worker: "How do you tell each other apart?"

He was not joking.
Title: Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 01:00:48 AM
Tenant Complaints

This is a collection of quotes from letters sent to a landlord from his tenants.

    * "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

    * "In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

    * "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

    * "The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?"

    * "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

    * "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

    * "Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

    * "The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

    * "Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
Title: Re: things people actually said (Starts with court).. word to word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 01:02:25 AM
Classified Ads

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

    * "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."

    * "2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."

    * "Washing machine: free to good home."

    * "No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."

    * "Great Dames for sale."

    * "Lost Cocktail."

    * "Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

    * "German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."

    * "Free ducks. You catch."

    * "1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"

    * "Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."

    * "Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

    * "2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"

    * "For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"

    * "Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"

    * "Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"

    * "Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

    * "Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

    * "Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."

    * "Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

    * "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"

    * "Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."

    * "Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

    * "This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."

    * "Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."

    * "Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."

    * "Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

    * "Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."

    * "Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."

    * "Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."

    * "Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."

    * "A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."

    * "Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

    * "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."

    * "His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."

    * "For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

    * "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

    * "Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."

    * "We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."

    * "We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

    * "Tattoos done while you wait."

    * "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

    * "Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

    * "If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."

    * "Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."

    * "Stock up and save. Limit: one."

    * "For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."

    * "Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."

    * "TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."

    * "This house has been fully insulted."

    * "Man, honest. Will take anything."

    * "Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

    * "Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

    * "3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."

    * "Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

    * "Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."

    * "Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

    * "Illiterate? Write today for free help."

    * "Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."

    * "Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

    * "Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."

    * "And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."

    * "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."

soruce: http://www.rinkworks.com/said/ads.shtml
Title: Re: things people actually said (Starts with court).. word to word
Post by: xnepali on June 06, 2007, 01:04:10 AM
News Reports

We normally expect news services to be precise and professional. It makes slip-ups all the more amusing.

Headlines:

    * "Slain Doctor Worried About His Death" -- In a local paper in Canada.

    * "Public Inquiry To Be Launched Into Avalanche" -- A front page headline in the National Post.

    * "Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" -- In a local paper.

    * "Ministry Probes Dead Fish" -- In a local paper in Canada.

    * "Nixon Beneath the Surface" -- The headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.

    * "Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.

    * "Flawless Take-Off Marred By Hitch" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.

    * "Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" -- In a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.

    * "Women Look Good" -- In a Canadian newspaper, referring to the women's curling team during the 1998 Winter Olympics.

    * "Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use" -- A local newspaper of a suburb of Toronto, describing a committee set up by the board of education and the local municipality to investigate marijuana use among high school students.

    * "Church Plan Upsets Brothel" -- Adelaide Advertiser, October 23, 2000

    * "Man Died of Natural Causes" -- Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000

    * "School Praised After Vandalism" -- West Briton, November 9, 2000

    * "Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" -- Independent, November 19, 2000

    * "Rise of 'Mutants' Leaves France a Divided Nation" -- Times, November 21, 2000

    * "Pepsi To Increase Recycled Content In Products." -- The headline of an article in Plastics news about Pepsico increasing the amount of recycled plastic in their bottles.

News Articles:

    * "The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." -- From a New Zealand paper.

    * "Although as a rider and breeder she has won countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional beating." -- From a New Zealand paper.

    * "'It's a sad and tragic fact that, if you're a farmer, you are three times more likely to die than the average New Zealander,' he said. The rate was even worse for farm workers." -- From a New Zealand paper.

    * "Latest census figures show that more than one New Zealander is a Maori or Polynesian." -- A New Zealand paper's cautious yet accurate report.

    * "Visitors to the sandspit are advised that there is a prohibited area near the groin." -- From a New Zealand paper.

    * "However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." -- From a New Zealand paper.

    * "The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." -- From a Sydney, Australia, paper.

    * "'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex." -- From an IGN game review.

Radio News:

    * "There's an overturned tractor-trailer heading north on Route 93." -- Report in a radio station's morning traffic update.

    * "Seasonal weather for the time of year." -- Radio weather report.

Televised Reports:

    * "Susan, things are washing up on the shore that have never seen the light of day in a long time." -- From a local news report on the aftereffects of 1989's Hurricane Hugo.

    * "The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." -- A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.

    * "Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving." -- From a local news cast.

    * "Today Lesbian forces invaded...no, sorry, that should be Lesbianese." -- From a news report in UK, on a Lebanese conflict.

Online News:

    * "Today marks the 25th anniversary of the Vietnam War." -- From abcnews.com, April 30, 2000. Revisionist history strikes again; now the war only lasted one day.

News Ads:

    * "Panda lovers were saddened to hear that the world's oldest panda passed away today. We'll give you the reason for his death tonight at nine." -- From a nightly local news ad.

    * "Local construction is making it hazardous to drive in some areas of our city. We'll tell you which to avoid on the way home on news tonight at 9:30." -- From a nightly local news ad on the radio.

Corrections:

    * "Due to a typing error, Gov Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson." -- Correction in a Massachusetts newspaper.

Events:

    * "March 18: Outdoor Adventure Series: Indoor Rock Climbing" -- In a school's newsletter.

Horoscopes:

    * "Cancer, June 22-July 23. Your home life could be chaotic. Some moments of solitude and medication can help you get through the day."

Sports Announcing:

    * "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." -- Channel 4 news

    * "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." -- Grandstand, BBC1

    * "Well, I guess we can see that Ralph isn't a left-handed hooker." -- Sportscaster, after Ralph Sampson missed a left-handed hook shot.

    * "It's an island because it's surrounded by land. I mean water. Islands are surrounded by water, and that affects them." -- A TV commentator for America's Cup racing.

    * "And the name of that country really tells you exactly where these guys are from." -- A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics opening ceremonies.

    * "And there's Bill Gates, the...most...famous...man in the...ah...Microsoft." -- A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics.

    * "The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the infield. This is a terrible day for the Padres!" -- A San Diego Padres announcer.

Interviews:

    * "Am I cold? Why do you think I'm sitting here under these two Africans?" -- An elderly lady, incredulously, during a televised interview at her home.

    * "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" -- Simon Fanshawe, during a Metro Radio Interview, when a listener said, "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."

    * "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?" -- A talk radio interviewer, questioning a 15-year old eyewitness to a head-on train collision. The answer he gave was, "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."
Title: H2O: Dangerous Chemical!
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 02:11:16 AM
H2O: Dangerous Chemical!
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

   1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
   2. it is a major component in acid rain
   3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
   4. accidental inhalation can kill you
   5. it contributes to erosion
   6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
   7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

    * Forty-three (43) said yes,
    * six (6) were undecided,
    * and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.
Title: European English
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 03:33:42 AM
Title: Things To Do When You're Bored
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 03:57:51 AM
Answers To 5 Of The Toughest Questions Women Ask

 

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy,
 according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
 
 The five questions are:
 
   1 -  "What are you thinking?"
   2 -  "Do you love me?"
   3 -  "Do I look fat?"
   4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
   5 -  "What would you do if I died?"
 
 What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
 explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
 answered properly, which is to say dishonestly.  For example:
 
 1 -  "What are you thinking?"  The proper answer to this question, of
 course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just
 reflecting  on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,
 beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
 Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the
 guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five
 things:
 
          a -  Football
          b -  Baseball
          c -  How fat you are.
          d -  How much prettier she is than you.
          e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
 
 According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
 came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was
 asked it by his wife, Peg.  "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be
 talking instead of thinking."
 
 The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
 
 2 -  "Do you love me?"  The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."
 For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer,
 "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
 
          a -  I suppose so.
          b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
          c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
          d -  Does it matter?
          e -  Who, me?
 
 3 -  "Do I look fat?"  The correct male response to this question is to
 confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
 quickly leave the room.  Wrong answers include:
 
          a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin
               either.
          b -  Compared to what?
          c -  A little extra weight looks good on you.
          d -  I've seen fatter.
          e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about
               your insurance policy.
 
 4 -  "Do you think she's prettier than me?"  The "she" in the question
 could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that
 you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just
 saw.  In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
 prettier."  Wrong answers include:
 
           a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
           b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
           c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
           d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
           e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about
                your insurance policy.
 
 5 -  "What would you do if I died?"  Correct answer:  "Dearest love, in
 the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for
 me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first
 Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."  This might be the stupidest
 question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
 
     "Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"
     "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
     "Why do you ask such a question?"
     "Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife. "No,
     of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't
     you like being married?" said the wife. "Of
     course I do, dear" he said.
     "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
     "All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
     "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
     "Yes" said the husband.
     "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
         long pause.
     "Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.
     "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her
         wear my old clothes?"
     "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
     "Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the
         pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
     "Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."
     "Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I suppose
         you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
     "Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She's left-handed."
Title: Google hiring? .. Job ad.
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 04:05:09 AM
(http://xnepali.com/i/thumbs/xne1187389178v.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/i/viewer.php?id=xne1187389178v.jpg)
Title: Things To Do When You're Bored
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:35:42 PM
Things To Do When You're Bored

This List Includes:

    * Things you can do with absolutely nothing
    * Things you can do with very little
    * Things you can do with another person

The amusement potential for each activity is denoted.
Things you can do with absolutely nothing

# Push your eyes for interesting light show
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things-is your subconscience trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV?

# See how long you can hold your breath
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes)
Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly).

# Try to not think about polar bears
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

# Scratch yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

# Hurt yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

# Try to swallow your tongue
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.

# Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

# Get yourself as nauseated as possible
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").
Things you can do with very little

# See what's in your neighbor's trash
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes)
You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

# Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

# Call up people who write editorials you disagree with
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes)
I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.

# Make prank phone calls
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes)
Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonalds, try to make reservations.

# Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes)
What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

# Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and...AHHHHHH!!!!!

# Burn things with a magnifying glass
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes)
Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
Things you can do with another person

# Have a water drinking contest
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

# Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment-does this really work?

# Have a "Who is less competitive" competition
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

# Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes)
Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

# Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

# Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes)
Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.
Title: 100 Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:37:23 PM
100 Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

   1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
   2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
   3. Twitch a lot.
   4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
   5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
   6. Become a subgenius.
   7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
   8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
   9. Speak in tongues.
  10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start out subtle. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
  11. Walk and talk backwards.
  12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
  13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
  14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
  15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
  16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
  17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
  18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
  19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
  20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
  21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
  22. Eat glass.
  23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
  24. Smile. All the time.
  25. Collect dog sh*t in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
  26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
  27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
  28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
  29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
  30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
  31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
  32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
  33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
  34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
  35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
  36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
  37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
  38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
  39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
  40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
  41. Shave one eyebrow.
  42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
  43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
  44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
  45. Always flush the toilet three times.
  46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
  47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
  48. Give him/her an allowance.
  49. Listen to radio static.
  50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
  51. Cry a lot.
  52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
  53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
  54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
  55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
  56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
  57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
  58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
  59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
  60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
  61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
  62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
  63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
  64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
  65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
  66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
  67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
  68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
  69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
  70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
  71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
  72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
  73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
  74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
  75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
  76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
  77. Skip to the bathroom.
  78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
  79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
  80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
  81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find them.
  82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
  83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
  84. Use a bible as Kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God Damnit.
  85. Burn incense.
  86. Eat moths.
  87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that it died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
  88. Collect Chia-Pets.
  89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
  90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
  91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
  92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
  93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
  94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
  95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.
  96. Don't ever flush.
  97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
  98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
  99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
 100. Dress in drag.
Title: 50 Fun Things for Professors to do on the First Day
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:37:47 PM
50 Fun Things for Professors to do on the First Day

-- by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

   1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
   2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
   3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
   4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
   5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
   6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
   7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
   8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
   9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
  10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
  11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
  12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
  13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
  14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
  15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
  16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
  17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
  18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
  19. Address students as "worm".
  20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
  21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
  22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
  23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
  24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
  25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
  26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
  27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
  28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
  29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
  30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
  31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
  32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
  33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
  34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
  35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
  36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
  37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
  38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
  39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
  40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
  41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
  42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
  43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
  44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
  45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
  46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
  47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
  48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
  49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
  50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
Title: Things to Keep In Mind
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:38:14 PM
Things to Keep In Mind

    * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
    * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
    * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
    * Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
    * Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
    * ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
    * A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
    * For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
    * I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
    * The beatings will continue until morale improves.
    * I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
    * Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
    * Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
    * Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
    * There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
    * I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
    * Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    * A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
    * I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
    * Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
    * If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
    * Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
    * Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
    * If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
    * If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
    * If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
    * Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
    * It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
    * Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
    * Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
    * Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
    * Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
    * Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
    * Do witches run spell checkers?
    * Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
    * Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
    * Dain bramaged.
    * Department of Redundancy Department
    * Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
    * What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
    * Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
    * COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
    * Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
    * 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
    * Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
    * Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
    * My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
    * C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
    * C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
    * Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
    * The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
    * BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
    * The name is Baud......, James Baud.
    * BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
    * Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
    * C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
    * Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
    * Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
    * As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
    * Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
    * Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
    * E Pluribus Modem
    * ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
    * Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
    * A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
    * An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
    * CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
    * Does fuzzy logic tickle?
    * A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
    * 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
    * 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
    * Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
    * Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
    * SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
    * Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
    * Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
    * RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
    * Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
    * All computers wait at the same speed.
    * DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
    * Press -- to continue ...
    * Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
    * Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
    * ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
    * E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
    * Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
    * All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
    * Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
    * "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
    * DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
    * Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
    * Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
    * Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
    * Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
    * REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
    * Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
    * Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
    * Read my chips: No new upgrades!
    * Hit any user to continue.
    * 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
    * I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
    * Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
    * Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
    * Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
    * Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
    * (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
    * (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
    * If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
    * Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
    * Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
    * "Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."

Title: All I Needed to Know About Life I Learned From a Cow
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:38:41 PM
All I Needed to Know About Life I Learned From a Cow

   1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
   2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
   3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
   4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
   5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
   6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
   7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
   8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
   9. Never take any bull from anybody.
  10. Always let them know who's the bossy.
  11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
  12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
  13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
Title: Nose Picking Glossary
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:39:15 PM
Nose Picking Glossary

THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTOPICK...The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS...Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE...When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL...No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK...Ditto.

PICK AND STICK...You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAYDIRT...The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
Title: I Am the Most...
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:39:47 PM
I Am the Most...

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"
Title: Bill (According to Dr. Seuss)
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:40:25 PM
Bill (According to Dr. Seuss)
President Clinton's Deposition
by Dr. Seuss

I'm here to ask,
As you'll soon see...
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there...
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far...
I did not do that
Starr-you-are!

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
The girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-you-are...
I think that you
Have gone too far!
I will not answer
Any more...
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public's easy
To distract
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!
Title: Old Fashioned Manners Cause Confusion
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:40:56 PM
Old Fashioned Manners Cause Confusion

An older lady of the elegant and very proper type and her husband were planning a vacation in Florida, and planned to stay in a RV campground.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about toilet facilities. She couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term, "bathroom commode".

But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom-commode simply as "the B.C." "Does the campground have it's own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. The "B.C." business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, and they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So, after coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, the owner sat down and wrote the following reply.

"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure of informing you that a B.C is located nine miles North of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful grove of pines and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband at the B.C.

"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand the whole time we were there. Sometimes it is so crowded there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.

"I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

"If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to have a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Please remember, ours is a very friendly community."

(copied out of Thousand Trails travel magazine)
Title: You Know You Are Asian If...
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:41:32 PM
You Know You Are Asian If...

   1. your mother has a short-haired, curly perm
   2. your dad is some sort of engineer
   3. your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
   4. you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're till lecturing
   5. you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
   6. you shop 99 Ranch
   7. everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ncestors were from
   8. you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.
   9. your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
  10. you've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library.
  11. your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."
  12. you drive mostly Japanese cars.
  13. you've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
  14. you've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.
  15. at least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say . . . "
  16. you know what bok choy is
  17. you've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.
  18. piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors.
  19. you hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you. (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!).
  20. you have NO eyelashes.
  21. idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc . . .
  22. your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
  23. the Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner
  24. your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.
  25. at least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses
  26. your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more."
  27. your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian.
  28. an Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?"
  29. your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
  30. your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"
  31. everyone thinks you're good at math.
  32. your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's"
  33. you like $1.75 movies
  34. you like $1.50 movies even more.
  35. your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green.
  36. your parents insist you marry within your race.
  37. you never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food.
  38. you either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it.
  39. your parents have never kissed you
  40. your parents have never kissed each other
  41. you learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents
  42. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"
  43. people see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate.
  44. you have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle."
  45. you have 12+ aunts and uncles
  46. at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert.
  47. your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It's still good."
  48. the vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.
  49. you will most likely be taller than your parents.
  50. your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both.
  51. you get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't
  52. when going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift.
  53. your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
  54. your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both.
  55. your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e., Michael Chang)
  56. the furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.
  57. you have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine.
  58. you own a rice cooker or two
  59. you buy soy sauce by the gallon.
  60. your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
  61. your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going.
  62. your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come."
Title: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:43:05 PM
1800 Taglines

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates '81
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
"Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg.
"C++" should have been called "D"
"COINCIDENCE" happens.
"Company's coming," Tom guessed.
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."
"I hate Victor Hugo", said Les miserably.
"I just ate a fishing lure," said Tom with baited breat
"I'll have the dark bread," said Tom wryly.
"I'm looking for Mr. Dover, first name Ben.."
"I've lost my flower," said Tom lackadaisically.
"I've struck oil!" Tom gushed.
"If the shoe fits, buy it."  Imelda Marcos
"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
"Keyboard?  How quaint!" - Scotty
"Lets visit the tomb," said Tom cryptically.
"Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally.
"Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" - Obi Wan Gates
"My stereo's half fixed," said Tom monotonously.
"Please return stewardess to original upright position"
"Ships ahoy!" yelled Tom fleetingly.
"Stupid" is a boundless concept.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
"That makes 144," said Tom grossly.
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein
"The maid has the night off," said Tom helplessly.
"This meat is hard to chew," Tom beefed jerkily.
"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00"
"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda-
"Vote for Perot" - Bumper sticker attached with velcro.
#include SWEEPING_GENERALITY.h
$$$ not found --  (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:43:26 PM
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)*ckup completely?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
(C)1992 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax.
(D)inner not ready:  (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
(You can have your cake) XOR (You can eat your cake)
(c) Copywight 1992 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.
And if one bad cluster should accidentally fail...
.ASM programmers drive stick shifts.
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can
1 + 1 = ?  Ask my calculator.
1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!
11 was a race-horse, 22 was 12. When 1111 race, 22112.
1200 bps used to seem so fast
186,000/mps.  It's not just a good idea.  It's the law.
1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts
2 + 2 = 4 (for the time being).
2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficently large values of 2)
2B, or not 2B, or should I use a biro.
3 dreaded words when making love: Is that it?
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr...
5 schizophrenics agree!
668 - Neighbor of the Beast
69 is fine...but 77'll get me 8 more...
9 out of 10 dentists recommend oral sex....
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:43:41 PM
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:44:01 PM
Bald: follicularly challenged.
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers
Black Holes are Out of Sight
Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups!
Bliss *IS* ignorance
Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bonking with Barbie..
Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencys.
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage.
Born Again Virgin.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Brain disfunction detected....
Brain over - Insert coin
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Breast size multiplied by IQ always equals 69
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Britannia waives the rules.
Bug off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Bugger me with a fish fork..
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Bugs, like coathangers, breed if unobserved.
Building Contractors, not to be confused with homemakers
Bullets speak louder than reason.
Bullsh*t makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
Bumper sticker on a hearse:  I'd rather be breathing
Bungee Jumper? Catch you on the rebound.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise
Bus error (Passengers dumped)
Bush wears a hat so he knows which end to wipe!
But my little voice TOLD me to do it!
But soft, what light through yonder tagline breaks?
But then again, I like cold toilet seats.
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
Buy Land Now.  It's Not Being Made Any More.
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:44:18 PM
C programmer run C programmer crash C programmer quit
CCITT: Can't Certify I Trust Telecom.
CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
CD-WOM, Wead Onwy Memowy.
CEO of Dementia and Other Meaningless Entities.
CHIP:  One California hi-way patrolman.
CODING:  AN addictive Drug.
COMMAND:  A suggestion made to a computer.
CRASH:  Normal termination.
CRIME CONTROL: Fire a warning shot into his HEART!
CYCLIC REDUNDANCY CHECK: Stocktaking at a Bike shop
California raisins murdered: Cereal Killer suspected
Call The Bates Motel BBS: 1-800-BIG-NIFE
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Can you find the mispelled word in hear?
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Can you say "Pervert", I thought you could.
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5.
Card-carrying member of the cultural elite.
Castration takes balls.
Catholic girls, they never confess.
Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground.
Caution:  Contents under pressure
Caution:  Hungry Dieter   May bite if provoked
Caveat emptor, no deposit no return, do not remove.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Chernobyl used MACs
Chicken heads are the chief food of captive alligators.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Choosy perverts choose GIF.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Christians do it with grace
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
Civilization - biggest syntax error in history!
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
Clean mind, clean body:  take your pick.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Climate is what you expect.  Weather is what you get.
Clinton is one Bill, George Bush can't veto...
Clones are people two.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Closed Hearing for the Caption Impaired...
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Asprin.
Cocaine isn't what it is cracked up to be.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Come back ya pansie! I'll bite yer legs off!
Coming Soon!!  Mouse Support for Edlin!!
Coming soon: Netware for the Nintendo!
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
Common sense isn't...
Communism is like a mouth on a lollipop
Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
Computational Physicist and all around nice guy.
Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
Computers All Wait at the Same Speed!
Computers Rule 01001111 01001011
Computers are useless; they can only give answers.
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
Condense soup, not books!
Condom - external storage
Condominiums are not effective birth control.
Conformity obstructs progress.
Confucious say: Those who quote me are fools.
Confucious say: Man who meows ate pussy!
Confucious say: Man with no legs bums around.
Confucius say too much.
Confucious say: I didn't say that!
Confuse People:  Quote from the wrong message!
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Consolations, Consultations, Conflagrations.
Conspiracy: the opiate of the asses
Converse with any plankton lately?
Copyright the Intergalactic Thought Association
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Couldn't myself have better it said.
Count Dracula - your Bloody Mary is ready...
Cover your stump before you hump.
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Crime wouldn't pay if the Government ran it.
Cunnilingus is a real tongue twister!
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:45:25 PM
DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
DANGER! Computer store ahead, hide wallet!
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law.
DEVICE=EXXON.SYS may mess up your environment
DILATE: To live longer.
DIODE: What happens to people who don't die young.
DIVORCE =system("echo y| erase \wife\*.*" );
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality
DO {nothing} WHILE (HearFromMe==0)
DOS 5.0  Yesterday's operating system, today!
DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.
DOS-O-MANIA : Reboot is not kicking your computer again
DOS-O-MANIA : Root is not the book Alex Haley wrote.
DOWN WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
Dain Bramaged.
Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.
Darth Vadar! Only you would be so bold.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Database administrators do it with their relations
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Dawson's First Law: You don't have enough outlets.
Deaf, dumb, and blonde.
Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Definition: pumpkin (v.): What people in Kentucky do.
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
Delivered by Electronic Sled-Dogs.....Woof!
Democracy's GREAT! Even George Bush can chunder!
Democrats Call for Amnesty, Reduced Sentences Likely.
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Dictator - a potato with a penis.
Did I just step on someones toes again?
Did Tarzan love Cheetah or Jane? - Pictures at 11.
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
Dime:  a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Dirty tags and they're done dirt cheap.
Disclaimer: All opinions are not really opinions.
Disclaimer: Written by a highly caffeinated mammal.
Disks travel in packs.
Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball!
Do fish get thirsty?
Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
Do not fumble with a woman's logic.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do not remove this tagline under penalty of the law.
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do the joke. Get the laugh. Move on.
Do vampires get AIDS?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doctor Who for president
Doctor, my brain hurts!
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
Does killing time damage eternity?
Does the Enterprise use DOS v 2356.0?
Dogs crawl under Gates, software under Windows.
Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
Don't ask me, I have intermittent memory loss
Don't ask me, I only work here.
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!
Don't be a fool; Vulcanize your tool.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe in miracles, expect them.
Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
Don't byte off more than you can multiplex.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.
Don't diet, download a virus to remove the FAT.
Don't do what I SAY, do what I mean!
Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.
Don't drink water. Fish make love in it.
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't just do something !!! Stand there !!!
Don't just stand there, scratch my back!
Don't just stand there...KNEEL!!
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't mess with Murphy.
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
Don't press the keys so damned hard!
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't rush me.  I get paid by the hour.
Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.
Don't start with me.  You know how I get.
Don't steal - the government hates competition..
Don't stop posting, a good laugh breaks up my day nicely
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure...
Don't try to saw sawdust.
Don't use no double negatives.
Don't waste water.  Pee on a friend.
Don't worry, I'm fluent in wierdo.
Down with categorical imperative!
Down with ignurance!
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
Dropped from my peeling lips like lousy fruit.
Dudley Moore is a phallic thimble.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:45:48 PM
EMS: Enhanced Money Scam
ERROR 103: Dead mouse in hard drive.
EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
Easter is cancelled this year.  They've found the body.
Eat Crap!  10 Trillion flies can't be wrong.
Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy
Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
Ego Gratification through Violence
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Elevators smell different to midgets
Email me the rules, please!
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
Enjoy me, I may never pass this way again.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Enter that again, just a little slower.
Eschew obfuscation.
Evangelists do more than lay people.
Every purchase has its price.
Every why hath a wherefore.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Everything in our favour was aginst us.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Excuse me while I dance a little jig of despair
Excuse me while I sharpen my tongue.
Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
Exploding piglets!!!  My god, it's raining bacon!
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:46:05 PM
F.A.R.T....Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
FLOPPY DISK: Serious curvature of the spine.
FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle.  Never fired.  Dropped once.
Fact is solidified opinion
Fad: In one era and out the other.
Fahrvergnkie: (n) Sex in a Volkswagon.
Familiarity breeds attempt
Familiarity breeds children.
Famous last words - Don't worry, I can handle it.
Famous last words - Icarus: Aaaahhhhhhhhh.
Famous last words - Jesus Christ: Father, beam me up.
Famous last words - Lion at the Circus of Rome: Burp..
Famous last words - You and what army?
Faster cars, colder beer, younger women, more money!
Fat Wars: May the Sauce Be With You.
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
Fatal Error Using Mouse. Replace and Bury Operator.
Features should be discovered, not documented.
Felines... nothing more than felines...
Fer sell cheep:  IBM spel chekker.  Wurks grate.
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition
First thing you do is shoot all the lawyers
Fish and visitors stink in three days.
Flames to dev/null/here/is/a/quarter/now/go/buy/a/clue.
Flaming nuclear death to Smurfs
Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
Floppy not responding. Format hard drive instead? (Y/N)
Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do
Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fools rush in where Fools have been before!
Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold
For Sale: Slightly used message. Enquire within.
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
For sale, Toilet-seat cover.  Barely used.
For the finest in brain candy.
Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
Forget the computer!  Where's my abacus??
Fortune vomits on my eiderdown yet again.
Four minus two is one and the same.
Free Nelson Mandela, while stocks last!
Free advice is worth what you pay for it
Freedom is just chaos with better lighting.
Friendly fire - ISN'T !
Friends are Friends, regardless of their baud rate!
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friendship is one soul in two bodies.
From my brain, an organ with a mind of it's own.
From the Department of Redundancy Dept.
Funny, only sensible people agree with me.
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:46:25 PM
GET A HAIRCUT!
GODISNOWHERE
GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Gargle twice daily - see if your neck leaks.
General Failure reading John Dvorak
Genitalia is not an Italian airline.
George Orwell was an optimist.
Get a powerful right arm: subscribe to Playboy.
Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
Gimme back my face! You're getting it ugly.
Give a woman an inch  and she'll park a car in it.
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go Lemmings, Go!!!
God I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!
God does not play dice.
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
God invented women because sheep can't cook.
God is alive - he just doesn't want to get involved.
God is love...  Love is blind...  Ray Charles is God!
Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good girls go to heaven...but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!
Goodness has NOTHING to do with it.....
Gotta love me!
Gravity brings me down
Gravity doesn't exist.  The Earth sux.
Great minds travel in the same sewers.
Greed is good!  Greed is right!  Greed works!
Grow your own dope...   plant a man
Growing older is mandatory... growing up is optional!
Grub first, then ethics.
Gun Control means holding it in both hands.
Gun Control: Keep muzzle pointed at target.
Guns don't kill people... death does.
Guns don't kill people..., I KILL PEOPLE!
Guten TAG.
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:46:52 PM
H lp!  S m b d  st l  ll th  v w ls fr m m  k yb  rd!
HAL 9000, you're pretty drunk aren't you Dave?
HARDWARE: n. The part you kick.
HIC! HLLP I'M STUSCT IN BOOOZZZE WAREHUSE
Hackito ergo sum.
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
Hams do it with frequency, till their gigahertz.
Happiness is Earth in your rear view mirror.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm modem
Happiness is not a destination.  It's the trip.
Happiness is...receiving YOUR posts!!!!
Hard work must have killed someone!
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Have Tardis, will travel.
Have an adequate day.
Have cursor, will curse.
Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back!
Having two bathrooms ruins the capacity to co-operate.
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
He who Laughs, Lasts.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who dies with the most access, wins.
He who dies with the most toys... is *still* DEAD!
He who hesitates is constipated.
He who hesitates too long, must change his underwear.
He who hesitates.........miss'es out !!!
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
He who laughs last probably made a backup.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.
He who lives by the sword laughs last.
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He's dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his wallet.
He's dim, Jed
Heads I win... DITTO tails
Hell Hath No Pizza.
Hell, if you understood everything I said, you'd be me!
Help endangered species - adopt a KGB operative.
Help stamp out mental illness, or I'll kill you!
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!
Help!  I'm lost somewhere in the Generation Gap.
Help!  I've been stuck in here for years and years...
Here today, gaunt tomorrow.
Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!
Hey!  This is a morgue, not an amusement park!
Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!
Hey!! When in Doubt Whip it Out!!!!
Hey, sh*t happens!
Hi!  I can't remember your name either.
Hindsight is always 20:20.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Hollow chocolate has no calories
Holy Smokes!...."the church is on fire!"
Honest!  It's only a cold sore!
Honey, I'll be down in 10 minutes, I promise this time.
Honeymoon - the morning after the knot before.
Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
Honeymoon: time between "I do" and "you'd better"
Hors d'oeuvres--a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Housework done properly, can kill you
Houston! do you read.
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How do you get holy water?... Boil the hell out of it!
How do you pronounce my name?   With reverence.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!
How long will a floating point operation float?
How many consultants will fit onto the head of a pin?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Humpty dumpty was pushed.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:47:18 PM
I Have To Stop Now, My Fingers Are Getting Hoarse!
I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum.
I PROMISE - I won't upload in your mouth!
I admit it's offbeat, but lets not get hysterical.
I always get my muckin words fuddled
I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
I am a vampire.  Please wash your neck.
I am both of us & so are you.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I am functioning within established parameters.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I am serious.  And don't call me Shirley.
I am sweet and lovable at all times.
I apologise to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
I appreciate your not breathing while I smoke
I believe in a god which doesn't need heavy financing
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I bought a cordless extension cord.
I came, I saw, I took LOTS of PICTURES!
I came... I saw... I stole your tagline.
I can do without essentials but I must have my luxuries
I can quit anytime I want; I just don't want to!
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!
I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
I could be arguing in my spare time.
I could prove God statistically.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
I didn't cheat, I just changed the Rules!
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
I do this kind of stuff to him all through the picture.
I don't need a disclaimer. I OWN the company.
I don't want the world, I just want your half.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
I feel so inar-inar-inar tic-u-late
I find myself beside a stream of empty thought
I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
I get mail........ I exist.
I give advice worth the price....free!
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
I guess a cynic smells different.
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
I have a 9600bps modem and 1.5bps fingers
I have a speech impediment... my foot.
I have already not made that point
I have given my pain a name..!!
I have seen the evidence.  I want DIFFERENT evidence!
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I is knot dain bramaged!
I just bought a cured ham.  Wonder what it had?
I keep my .BAT files in D:\BELFRY
I know everything about everything, except that.
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
I like candy, especially the gooey kind with nougat!
I like to leave messages *before* the beep.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to think of myself as a divide overflow.
I like two kinds of women: domestic and foreign.
I like women with big... HEARTS!  YEAH! THAT's it!
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
I look better on a woman!
I lost a button hole today.
I lost my knickers at Niagara.
I made it foolproof. They are making better fools!
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up
I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I mustanottagottalotta sleep last night.
I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
I never met a chocolate I didn't like!
I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I parked my hard disk and now I can't find it!
I post.......... I am
I promise results, not promises.
I saw, I came, I cleaned it up.
I snatch kisses. (and vice versa)
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving!
I think I strained a muscle I didn't know I had!
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
I think the phrase rhymes with Clucking Bell
I think, therefore I am.  I think.
I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I think................I am paid.
I thought I was mistaken but I was mistaken.
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walk.
I tried switching to gum but couldn't keep it lit.
I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
I used to be disgusted, but now I'm just amused.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're alright now.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used to spell badlie, but now I got worser.
I wake near the end of the day.
I want .50 cal machine guns as a factory option.
I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
I went on a 30-day diet - and lost 30 days!
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
I wish life had a scroll-back buffer.
I would jog, but the ice would fall out of my glass.
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd like to, but last time I went I never came back..
I'd love to, but I have to fulfill my potential.
I'd love to, but I have to rotate my crops.
I'd love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore
I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER Luke.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to be less popular.
I'd love to, but I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I'd love to, but my crayons all melted together.
I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to, but my patent is pending.
I'd love to, but none of my socks match.
I'd love to, but there's a disturbance in the Force.
I'd love to, but you know how we psychos are.
I'd rather have a 3.5" hard one than a 5.25" floppy one
I'd tell you more more, but you might blush.
I'll eat anything that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
I'll get you my pretty,  and your little dog too!
I'll have what the guy in the casket had.
I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.
I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I.
I'm a Bum...a BEACH Bum!
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'm an incorrigible punster, so don't corrige me!
I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking.
I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol.
I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
I'm just looking at your nametag, honest!
I'm making a career of evil.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
I'm new and whats all this then?
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
I'm not broke, I'm just badly bent.
I'm not even going to ignore that.
I'm not fat just horizontially disproportionate.
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished
I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."
I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am.
I'm not on drugs.  I am drugs.
I'm not real smart, but I can lift heavy things.
I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged".
I'm not tense, just terribly A*L*E*R*T!!
I'm on the crest of a slump.
I'm pink, therefore I'm spam
I'm schizophrenic, What are you?
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.
I'm sure it's clearly explained in the Zmodem DOC's
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
I'm turning you in to the SPCA!
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
I've got Parkinson's disease.  And he's got mine.
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
I've got morals. I just don't know where they are.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I've had a hard drive, think I'll crash.
I've had fun before.  This isn't it.
I've upped my standards, SO UP YOURS!
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:47:39 PM
IBM: I've Been Misled
IBM: It may be slow, but at least it's expensive.
IBM: you can buy better, but you can't pay more
IF numcooks > .maxcooks THEN;SET V broth = 'spoiled';END
INTERLACE: To tie two boots together.
If Einstein Had Been Black It would be E=MC Hammer.
If I can't fix it, it's probably dead.
If I had anything witty to say, I wouldn't put it here.
If I shot myself, my ex would sue me for the bullet
If I want any sh*t outta you I'll squeeze your head.
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.
If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If The Shoe Fits - The Sock Fits !
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If all the ladies bend over, I would be very happy.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail
If at first we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
If at first you don't succeed, hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, you've failed failed again
If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose!
If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it feels good do it, and if it does good feel it.
If it glows don't touch it!
If it has feelings, its not cooked enough!
If it has tits or tyres, there will be problems.
If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
If it isn't original, it isn't sin.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
If it screams it's not food......yet.  <>
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If it's not going to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
If it's stupid and works, then it ain't stupid
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
If love is blind, why is Lingerie so popular?
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
If this is heaven, why am I bored out of my skull?
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
If wishes were horses, dogfood would be a lot cheaper.
If ya can't beat 'em.......RUN!
If you can read this you have a modem.
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be offensive WHY BOTHER?
If you can't debug it, deplug it.
If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." B. Gates
If you can't make it good, make it big.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If you don't think women are explosive, drop one!
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
If you meet Ken Thompson on the road, kill him.
If you mess with something long enough it'll break.
If you prick me, do I not get turned on?
If you see an onion ring, ANSWER IT!
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you want your name spelt wrong, die.
If you're a typical student, consider the fact there is
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush..
If your behind is in front, you turned around!
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:48:06 PM
Ignorance can be cured.  Stupid is forever.
Illiterate?... Write for free help.
Imagery is All In The Mind.
Immoral Majority Charter Member.
Impropriety is the soul of wit.
In God we trust, all others pay cash.
In a fight between you and the world, back the world.
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king.
In war there is no substitute for victory.
Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Inertia makes the world go round.
Inferiority complex: conviction by a jury of your fears.
Ingres is not a necessary precursor to Egress.
Innuendo: Italian Suppository.
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
Insert New Disk for Drive C: Press ENTER when ready.
Insert inevitable trivial witicism of your choice.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Internal combustion engines are the dinosaurs' revenge
Interstellar Matter is a Gas
Invisible Systems, Inc. If you don't see it, we made it.
Iraq won the toss... and elected to receive.
Iraq's national bird?, "DUCK"
Iraqi Bingo  B-52..F-16..A-10.. F-18..F-117..B-2
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
Is FIDO a dog?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it ok to use my AM radio after NOON?
Is it possible to feel gruntled.
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
Is that a hard drive or are you just happy to see me?
Is this a machine?  I don't talk to machines!  [Click]
Is this bullsh*t or fertilizer?
Is this the right room for an argument?
It ain't easy being easy.
It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog.
It depends on which end he tries to light.
It did what?  Well, it's not supposed to do that.
It is always better to sacrifice your opponent's men
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is broke.  It will not work.  It does not go.
It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct
It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
It really bothers me when people cut me o...
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
It works better if you plug it in.
It's Tekonojikly better!
It's a Tough Job! ..... So I'd Rather YOU do it.
It's an ill wind that gathers no moss.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It's easy to apply yourself, just use crazy glue!
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
It's hard to RTFM when you can't find the FM..
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
It's life Jim, but not as we know it.
It's more than a reader.  It's a message base manager!
It's never too late to have a happy childhood
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a
It's only ones and zeros.
It's over when the fat lady sits on your face.
It's smart to pick your friends -- but not your nose.
It's smart to pick your friends, but not to pieces.
It's smart to pick your friends, but not your nose.
It's starting to rain, .SQZ the animals into the .ARC !
It's true, forgiveness IS easier to get than permission
It's worse than that, he's dead Jim.
Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
Ivan Poorovitch, Russia's new premier.
Ivo Andric - Yugoslavia's First Nobel Laureate
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:48:26 PM
JFK: I need this motorcade like a hole in my head!
JOYSTICK:  Peripheral used by consulting adults.
James Bond rules.  00K.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Jeez if you love honkus
Jesus Christ is the answer. Now, what was your question
Jesus Saves!  But Gretzky scores on the rebound.
Jesus is coming back, and boy, is he ticked!
Jesus saves, Gretsky steals, he shoots, HE SCORES!
Jet Engine Theory -Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow!
Junior! Quit playing with your floppy.
Junk - stuff we throw away.  Stuff - junk we keep.
Just because you're STUPID ain't no excuse.
Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here
Just how much leg have I got
Just my two rubber ningis worth.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Justice is incidental to law and order.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experienced only need apply.
Karma, Let me guess, The Toyota Factory!
Keep NZ Beautiful....  emigrate.
Keep NZ beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
Keep a clear head and always carry a lightbulb.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Kicked wide of the goal with such precision.
Kill them all!  .... Let God sort them out.
Kilroy occupied these coordinates.
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
Kleptomania: take something for it
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
Know God...No peace.  No God...Know peace.
Know what I hate?  I hate rhetorical questions!
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:48:47 PM
LATER..........AS IN MUCH!!
LISP:  To call a spade a thpade.
Land of the Single Entendre...
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.
Lawyers: The larval form of politicians.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!
Learn to splel, danmit!
Lesser artists borrow. Great artists steal.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it!
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
Let's split up, we can do more damage that way.
Liberal - a power worshipper without power.
Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references.
Life is Roff when yer Stewpid
Life is a sandwich, and it's always lunchtime
Life is a series of very rude awakenings.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it!
Life is like a Car-wash and I'm on a bicycle.
Life is only as long as you live it.
Life is serious, but ART is fun!
Life is uncertain...eat dessert first!
Life sucks, but Death swallows!
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
Life's a witch, then you fly.
Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Likes and dislikes are among my favourites
Liposuction will destroy your FAT
Living poor is best left to those with no money.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Love is grand.  Divorce is twenty grand.
Love your neighbor but don't get caught.
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:49:10 PM
M.A.D.D.:  Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
MASTURBATION...the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT.
Macho does not prove Mucho.
Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Make it do ... Or do without.
Make like a Tom and Cruise.
Make like a bottom and split.
Make like a drum and beat it!
Make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here.
Make like a tree and leave.
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Man has his will.  Woman has her won't!
Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain.
Man who get hit by car,get that run down feeling
Man with atletic finger make broad jump.
Marching to a different kettle of fish.
Marilyn Monroe?  A vacuum with nipples.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Marriage?  Sorry, I can't mate in captivity.
Marry your mistress, create a job vacancy.
Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so.
Mary had a little lamb, a little beef, a little ham.
Master Baiter
Mastermind specialist subject - the bleedin' obvious..
Masturbation is coming unscrewed.
Math is the language God used to write the universe.
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
May the Porsche be with you.
May you live in interesting times.
May your life be filled with experiences.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Me know gammar.  Me cood use it gud.
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve it's dignity
Megabyte: A nine course dinner.
Memory is a thing we forget with.
Men play the game; women know the score.
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence
Microfiche: Sardines.
Migratory lifeform with a tropism for parties
Mind if I rape your daughter
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Modem sex begins with a handshake.
Modem sex, the next best thing to being there.
Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Modems.....reach out and BYTE someone!
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life
Money is the root of all wealth.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Most gays have heterosexual parents.
Most of us have been at work for several hours now.
Mother Nature is a bitch.
Mother is the invention of necessity.
Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
Multitasking causes schizophrenia.
Multitasking: Reading in the bathroom
Murphy is out there... waiting...
Murphy was an optimist.
Must Go - My Rotweiler needs its teeth sharpened.
My Go  amn keyboar   oesn't have any  's!
My God can beat up YOUR god...
My I.U.D. picks up Radio Windy.
My RAM's not what it used to be, so don't quote me.
My best friend is a social worker.
My computer has a terminal illness
My computer puts out.
My computer's sick, I think my modem's a carrier
My couch potato routine honed to perfection
My fallacies are more logical than your fallacies.
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
My hat covers my head... Just like hair used to!
My head is sore, and there's a hole in the brick wall!
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
My karma ran over my dogma
My kingdom for a beer; half my beer for a woman.
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring
My lord, I have a cunning plan...
My lucky colour just faded.
My message above.  Your response here ____________.
My modem can beat up your modem.
My other car is a broom!
My other computer is a abacus.
My tagline can beat up your tagline!
My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:49:29 PM
NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
NO MORE BU__ SH__
NUMBER CRUNCHING:  Jumping on a Computer.
Naaah, real men don't read docs.
Nanosecond: Mork's stunt man.
Neil Armstrong tripped.
Neurotic: Self-taut person.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.
Never assume.  It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
Never before have so few puked so much on so many.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you
Never eat yellow snow!
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Never go with the odds
Never hit a man with glasses.  Use your fist!
Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
Never mind the facts - I know what I know.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never shove your granny while she's shaving.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
New Highway gets Railroaded.
Newsbytes - Microsoft announce EDLIN for Windows.
Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!!
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
Nil taurus excretum.  No El Toro Poopoo either!
Ninety per cent of everything is crap.
Nitpicking:  Not just a hobby, it's a way of life!
Nitrate:  Lower than the day rate.
No free lunch in an ecosystem.
No matter what they SAY, size IS important!
No matter where you go, there you are.
No sense being pessimistic.  It wouldn't work anyway.
No wanna work... wanna bang on keyboard!
No, I'm from NZ. I only work in Outer Space.
No?!  Some people still read mail a packet at a time?!
Nodding the head does not row the boat.
None of you exist, my sysop types all this in.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Not many people realise just how well known I am.
Not quite human any longer.
Not tonight honey... I have a modem
Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason
Nothing recedes like success.
Nothing succeeds like excess.
Nothing this evil EVER dies!
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Now is not a good time to annoy me
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
Now where did I put that rubber doll?
Nudist Camp sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Nuke the baby seals for Jesus
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:49:43 PM
OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
ORG.ASM Not Found.  Wife not happy!
OS/2 - Not just another pretty program loader!
OS/2 - Windows with bullet-proof glass.
OS/2 VirusScan - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/y)"
OUCH! Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper!
OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
Objection, your Honour! My client is an idiot!
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder
Objects in taglines are closer than they appear.
Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Oh goody! Another Muranium Explosive Space Modulator!
Oh no you don't!  Your not stealing this one!
Oh no, not another learning experience!
Oh yeah? Well, beam *THIS* up, pal!
Okay - right after this one we're BACK to the TOPIC
Old MacDonald had a computer with an EIE I/O
On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7.
On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts
On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.
On the unlabeled disk? HELL they're all unlabeled!
Once I thought I was wrong - but I was mistaken
One atom bomb can really ruin your day.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
One in Kate Bush is worth two in the Hand.
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do...
One legged girls are pushovers.
One man's Windows are another man's walls.
One man's meat is another's editor
One man's upload is another man's download
One night I came home very late. It was the next night
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
Only 19,999 lines of C++ to my next ski trip...
Only God can make random selections.
Only a wimpy God can't get it right the first time!
Only cosmetologists give make-up exams.
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
Open Mouth. Insert Foot. Chew Carefully.
Open mouth. Insert Foot. Echo internationally.
Open your drive door, honey.
Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo!
Optimization hinders evolution.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
Outlaw junk mail, and save the trees!
Overload--core meltdown sequence initiated.
Oxymoron - Definite possibility
Oxymoron - Military Intelligence
Oxymoron: Bosnian Cease-Fire
Oxymoron: Soviet Union.
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:50:09 PM
PCBackup: 1 of 1362 disks.
PI seconds is a nanocentury. - Tom Duff, Bell Labs
PIMP: a fornicaterer.
PKZip - it's not just for downloads anymore
PMS- Presentation Manager Syndrome.
Pagan Missionary
Pagan and Proud
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Palindrome isn't one.
Pandemonium doesn't reign here... It pours!
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Pardon my driving, I'm trying to reload.
Pascal:  What's it Wirth?
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
Patience is a virtue that carries a lot of WAIT!
Peace through superior firepower.
Peanuts: The Drinking Man's Filter.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't!
People will die this year that never died before
Permission for lip to wobble, Sir?
Perot/Bush/Quayle: The Milionaire, Skipper & Gilligan.
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.
Photographers do it in dark rooms.
Pi R squared.  Nooo!  Pie R round, cornbread R square!
Pizza IS the four food groups!
Plagerism is the sincerest form of flattery.
Plagiarism prohibited, derive carefully.
Please don't drink and post.
Please don't filter this twit
Pobody's Nerfect!
Poets go from bad to verse
Point not found. A)bort, R)eread, I)gnore.
Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Political panjandrums prologize pedantic paronomasia.
Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.
Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Pornography? We don't even have a pornograph!
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Power corrupts, but we need electricity.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Predicting the future of technology is fraud with peril!
Prepare to meet thy GOD! (Evening dress optional)
Press -- to continue.
Press all the keys at once to continue...
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Procrastination:  The art of keeping up with yesterday.
Programmers do it in loops.
Programmers get overlaid!
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Prosecutors will be violated
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Psychologists only do it if they feel good about it
Push any key. Then push the any other key.
Push the limit, and the limit will move away!
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
Queen Elizabeth rules, UK?
Question Authority, ask me anything
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:50:29 PM
RAID Antivirus - Kills Virus's DEAD!!!
REALITY.DAT not found. Press any key to reset Universe.
REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable To Recover Universe
REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)
RECOVER.COM: a little slice of hell
RESTORE A: C:\VIRGINITY\*.* /S
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
Rampaging anarchist horde and floating beer party
Rap music is Oxymoron
Read what I mean, not what I write.
Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
Real men don't set for stun.
Real men write self-modifying code.
Reality Is An Illusion Caused By Lack Of Acid
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle buttons
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.
Redundancy: A Politician with an airbag in his car.
Refuse Novocain...Transcend Dental Medication!
Regal Lager, It's not just a beer... It's a palendrome!
Religion ... is the opium of the masses.
Remeber when safe sex meant not getting caught?
Remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
Reputation:  what others are not thinking about you.
Resistance Is Useless!   (If < 1 ohm)
Return((usBirdInHand = 2 * InTheBush()));
Reuseable Condoms: Just shake the fuck out of them.
Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals.
Richard Nixon means never having to say you're sorry
Roses are red, Violet's are blue, And mine are white.
Roses are red, and violets are too expensive for you.
Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens
Round up the usual suspects!
Round, round, get around. I've gotten round!
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Rugby is played by men with odd-shaped balls!
Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:50:44 PM
SCUD : Sure Could Use Directions
SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.
STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work.
STRING space corrupt?  But I always use TAPE!
STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP!  Park elsewhere!
SUSHIDO   the way of the tuna
SYNTAX?  Why not--they tax everything else!
SYSOP's read minds.  But QWKly, very, very QWKly!
Saddam eats his Kurds
Sarcasm: barbed ire.
Save a whale, harpoon a fat person.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Save fuel.  Get cremated with a friend.
Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes!
Save your money for a rainy day, or a new computer!
Say it with flowers - Give her a triffid.
Say yer prayers, y' flea-bitten' varmint.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Schizophrenia rules.  OK.  OK.
Science asks why.  I ask why not.
Science: preconception meeting verification.
Scientists discover life causes cancer.
Scrute the inscrutable, eff the ineffable.
See how you can be?
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
Send lawyers, guns, & money...
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Serfs up! - Spartacus
Serving the scum of Paris for over 300 years
Set mode=Extremely verbose
Sex is only a pain in the arse if you miss
Sex on TV can't hurt you unless you fall off!
Sex, Sex, Sex... the pleasure of having a 1 track mind.
Sex: the most fun you can have without laughing.
Sexual Harrasment starts at the office.
Shareware author dies:  .GIF at eleven!
She is blonde/tall/beautiful, and as a Z80 for a brain
She was another one of his near Mrs.
Shell to DOS... come in DOS... Do you copy?
Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark..
Short people are vertically challenged.
Should I or shouldn't I?... Too late, I did!
Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?
Sign here please:_______________________Thanks
Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant... "Gone Fission"
Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.
Signito ergo sum - I sign therefore I am.
Silvester Stallone: father of the RISC concept.
Simon says: don't be so suggestible.
Sit down, you're rocking the boat!
Six of one, 110 (base 2) of another.
Skating away on the thin ice of a new day.
Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure.
Slower Traffic Keep Right  -  Is that so difficult?
Slug Sautee: a hors of a different d'oeuvre.
Small changes pick up the reins from nowhere.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue
Smile if you are Jesus
Smiley faces were meant to be annoying.
Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.
Smurf exterminator.
So dry & yet so wet.
So many bytes, so few cps.
So many damsels, so little time
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
So many toys, so little time...
So much time, and so little to do.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software.
Software means never having to say you're finished
Some days you're a bug, some days you're a windshield.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant!
Some days, nothing goes left.
Some people are afraid of heights.I'm afraid of widths
Some people are so nice to be nasty to.
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Something is rotten in the state of confusion.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Sometimes they just grow, and grow, and grow...
Sorry about your Rectocranial Inversion.
Sorry, my english is not very good. No punt intended.
Space is an illusion, disk space doubly so.
Space is big.  Really big.
Speaking only for myself, one of my many tricks.
Spell chequers dew knot work write.
Spelling problems? use "error-correcting" modems!
Spice is the variety of life.
Squeeze my Lemon, till the juice runs down my leg...
Stamp out philately!
Stand on the toilet, get high on pot.
Standing there making a sitting target of himself.
Steal my cash, car and TV - but leave the computer!
Stealth condoms: she'll never even see you coming...
Sterility is hereditary.
Strike any user when ready.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Stroking a furry pussy will get you scratched.
Subvert the dominant paradigm!
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius
Supernovae are a Blast
Support the helpless victims of computers.
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
Swish, two, three, four!  Swish, two, three, four!
System Crash  (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:51:11 PM
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:51:35 PM
UART what UEAT!
UFO's are real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
Ultimate Question Research Team
Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
Unburdened by the rigors of coherent thought.
Unix and the world Unix with you; VAX and you VAX alone.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
Until people grow up, they have no idea what's cool
Use DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
Useless as windshield wipers on a duck's ass.
Users, losers -- what's the difference?
VD is nothing to clap about.
VLSI:  "Getting High On Low Voltage"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Veni Vidi Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
Veterinarians drive like animals.
Vidi, Vici, Veni:  I saw, I conquered, I came
Virginity can be cured.
Volcano -- a mountain with hiccups.
Vulcans have less fun.
Vultures only fly with carrion luggage.
Title: Re: 1800 Taglines
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:52:03 PM
WAITER! there's soup in my fly!
WARNING ... drinking tap water can kill your thirst!
WARNING: my messages are offensive to morons!
WOMAN.ZIP... Great program but no documentation.
Women! Can't live with 'em and no resale value.
WOMEN: Weird Obnoxious Male Enticing Nymphs
WWhhaatt   ddooeess   dduupplleexx    mmeeaann??
WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! - Kermit
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
Walls impede my progress
Wanna flirt with disaster? Become a SysOp!
Want a LAUGH run a spell check on DSZ docs.
Want a jelly baby?
Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!
Wanted - Man to wash dishes and two waitresses.
Wanted: Volcano.  Average size.  Must be active.
War News: Sadam's army blown away by Thai hookers.
Warning:  Whimsical when bored
Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
Was it as good for you, as it was for me?
Was that your wife I saw in that GIF.
Was today really Necessary?
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Water + Malt + Hops + Yeast = Satisfaction
Wave to your neighbor, Word to your mother.
We are not a clone.
We are the people our parents warned us about
We don't care. We don't have to. We're Telecom...
We have here the latest in primitive technology.
We seem to have juxtaposed an impasse here
We take drugs very seriously at my house...
We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
We'll give you piece de resistance and a tour de force
We're as similar as two disimilar things in a pod.
We're lost, but we're making good time.
Weeping, I wake; waking, I weep, I weep.
Welcome to New Zealand, set your watch back 20 years.
Well cover me in egg & flour and bake me for 14 minutes
Well, pluck me naked as a scalded chicken!
What are you doing?!? The message is over,GO AWAY!
What can you do for me?
What care I how time advances: I am drinking ale today.
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What could possibly go wrong.
What do batteries run on?
What do you call a female clown? A Clunt :-)
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full!
What do you feed a Trojan horse? A latex lollipop!
What do you mean that 2 years have passed??
What does this red button do?
What else can you do at 3:00am?
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What goes up hs probably been doused with petrol.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Pati O'furniture.
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
When 911 won't work .357 will!
When in doubt, think.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Who glued the cup to the table?
Whoever has the most when he dies... WINS!
Whoops, stepped on a frog.
Whosoever diggeth a pit shall falleth therein.
Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
Why are you wasting time reading taglines?
Why be a man when you can be a success?
Why can't we just spell it orderves?
Why did the Albanion working class revolt?
Why do the Kennedy men cry after sex?  MACE.
Why do you think they call it "find"?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat
Winston Peters, a rebel without a caucus.
Winter is nature's way of saying "up yours".
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Wit is cultured insolence.
With a mind like yours, who needs a body.
With friends like these, who needs to hallucinate?
With friends like you, who needs enemas.
Without Time, everything would happen at once.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Woman was God's second mistake.
Women - can't live with 'em and no resale value...
Women do come with instructions; ask them.
Women get minks the same way minks get minks.
Women, can't live with'um, can't shoot'um.
Work is for people who can't
Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy
World ends today at 9:30pm!  Film at 11:00...
Worry : The interest paid on trouble before it's due
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe
Would I ask you a rhetorical question?
Would a virgin be called a notyeterosexual?
Yes my son, long ago mail was read 1 packet at a time.
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
You can name your salary here. I call mine Fred.
You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
You hit the nail right between the eyes.
You want I should bop you with this here Lollipop?!?
Your feet have balls but not vice versa?
Your friendly neighborhood Atheist.
Zen T-Shirt: Enlightenment Available - Enquire Within
[DISCLAIMER:  my fingers are epiletic]
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]
"Bad knee, gotta run" - Pat Buchanan to his draft board
It's like Deja Vu all over again...
God I hate floppies.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Evil always triumphs over good, because good is STUPID!
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
A day not wasted is a day wasted!
Title: 98 Zany Ways to Phone In a Pizza Order
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:56:01 PM
98 Zany Ways to Phone In a Pizza Order

   1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
   2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
   3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
   4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
   5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
   6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
   7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
   8. Answer their questions with questions.
   9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
  10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
  11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
  13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
  15. Stutter on the letter "p."
  16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
  17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
  19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
  20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
  23. Change your accent every three seconds.
  24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
  26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
  27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
  28. Rent a pizza.
  29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
  30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
  32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
  33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
  34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
  35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
  36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
  37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
  39. Play a sitar in the background.
  40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
  41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
  42. Ask to see a menu.
  43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
  44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
  45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
  48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
  50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
  51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
  52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
  53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
  54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
  55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
  56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
  57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
  58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
  59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
  61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
  62. Try to talk while drinking something.
  63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"
  64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  66. Be vague in your order.
  67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
  68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
  69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
  70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
  71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
  72. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
  73. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
  74. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
  75. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
  76. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
  77. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
  78. Put them on hold.
  79. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
  80. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
  81. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  82. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
  83. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
  84. Haggle.
  85. Order a one-inch pizza.
  86. Order term life insurance.
  87. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
  88. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
  89. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
  90. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
  91. Engage in some serious swapping.
  92. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
  93. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
  94. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
  95. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
  96. Order a steamed pizza.
  97. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
  98. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
Title: How to be Annoying
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:56:43 PM
How to be Annoying

    * Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
    * Drum on every available surface.
    * Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
    * Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
    * Staple papers in the middle of the page.
    * Ask 800 operators for dates.
    * Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
    * Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
    * Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
    * Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
    * Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
    * Set alarms for random times.
    * Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
    * Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
    * Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
    * Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
    * Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
    * Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
    * Honk and wave to strangers.
    * Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
    * Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
    * Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
    * Wear your pants backwards.
    * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
    * Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
    * Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
    * Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
    * ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
    * only type in lowercase.
    * dont use any punctuation either
    * Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
    * Pay for your dinner with pennies.
    * Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
    * Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
    * Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
    * Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
    * Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
      "Do you hear that?"
      "What?"
      "Never mind, it's gone now."
    * Light road flares on a birthday cake.
    * Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
    * Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
    * Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
    * Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
    * At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
    * When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
    * Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
    * As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
    * Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
    * Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
    * Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
    * Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
    * Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
    * Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
    * Drive half a block.
    * Name your dog "Dog".
    * Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
    * Ask people what gender they are.
    * Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
    * Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
    * Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
    * Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
    * Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
    * Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
    * Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
    * While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
    * Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
    * Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
    * Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
    * Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
    * Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
    * Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
    * Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
    * Wear a LOT of cologne.
    * Ask to "interface" with someone.
    * Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
    * Sing along at the opera.
    * Mow your lawn with scissors.
    * At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
    * Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
    * Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
    * Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
    * Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
    * Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
    * Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
    * Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
    * Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
    * Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
    * Never make eye contact.
    * Never break eye contact.
    * Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
    * Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
    * Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
    * Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
    * Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
    * Make appointments for the 31st of September.
    * Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
    * Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
Title: A Boy and His Frog
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:59:02 PM
A Boy and His Frog

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look I'm a computer science student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Title: Fartology
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 08:59:48 PM
Fartology

DISHONEST FARTERS    - they who fart and then blame the dog
FOOLISH FARTERS    - they who keep their farts inside
PROMPT FARTERS    - they who always have a fart ready
MISERABLE FARTERS    - they who cannot fart
STRATEGIC FARTERS    - they who fart and cough at the same time
CLEVER FARTERS    - they who fart and cough at the same time
DISAPPOINTED FARTERS    - those whose farts do not emit odour
ACUTE FARTERS    - those whose fart smells indicate their recent diet
MEAN FARTERS    - those who fart in bed and shake covers over spouse
VAIN FARTERS    - they who love the smell of their own farts
AMIABLE FARTERS    - they who love the smell of others farts
CONFIDENT FARTERS    - they who let out really loud farts
SHY FARTERS    - those who let out silent farts
SCIENTIFIC FARTERS    - those who bottle their own farts
UNFORTUNATE FARTERS    - those who start to fart but sh*t instead
NERVOUS FARTERS    - those who stop in mid fart
HONEST FARTERS    - they who confess to the fart
JEALOUS FARTERS    - they who claim the farts of others
INSECURE FARTERS    - they who compare their fart quality to others
THE FARTERS FARTER    - those rare farters whose farts clear moving vehicles
Title: 55 Ways to Rid Your Date
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 09:00:21 PM
55 Ways to Rid Your Date

   1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
   2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
   3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
   4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
   5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
   6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
   7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
   8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
   9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
  10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
  11. Order a bucket of lard.
  12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
  13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
  14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
  15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
  16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
  17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
  18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
  19. Drool.
  20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
  21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
  22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
  23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
  24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
  25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
  26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
  27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
  28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
  29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
  30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
  31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
  32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
  33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
  34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
  35. Auction your date off for silverware.
  36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
  37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
  38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
  39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
  40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
  41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
  42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
  43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
  44. Bring 20 or so candles, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
  45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
  46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
  47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
  48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
  49. Accuse your date of espionage.
  50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
  51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
  52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
  53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
  54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
  55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Title: 14 Ways to Relieve Stress
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 09:00:42 PM
14 Ways to Relieve Stress

   1. Jam tiny marshmellows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
   2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
   3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
   4. When someone says "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans.
   5. During your next swim meet, sneeze, and then loudly suck the phlegm back down your throat.
   6. Make a list of things you have already done.
   7. Dance naked in front of your pets.
   8. Put your baby brother's clothes on backwards and send him off to school as if nothing was wrong.
   9. Go shopping, buy everything, sweat in them; return them the next day.
  10. Bike to school in reverse.
  11. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
  12. Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
  13. Bill your doctor for the time you spend in his/her waiting room.
  14. Get a box of condoms, then wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
Title: Logical Thinking
Post by: xnepali on August 18, 2007, 09:01:06 PM
Logical Thinking

One day, two guys were going on vacation and one of the guys decided to buy a book to pass the time on the trip down there. So the one guy gets out the car and into the bookstore. He starts to look around, but he has no idea what he wants to read. The saleslady sees the man and asks him whether or not he needed some help. The man said, "I'm looking for a book."

"Well-" the saleslady replied, "I suggest read this book on logical thinking."

"Logical thinking? What's that?" the guy asked.

"Let me give you an example..." the saleslady replied. "Let's see, do you have an aquarium?"

"Why yes, I do."

"Well then, since you have an aquarium, you must have fish in the aquarium."

"Yes, that's right."

"Well since you have fish, you must like animals, isn't that right?"

"Why definitely!"

"Since you love animals, you must enjoy nature quite a bit, don't you?"

"Yes, that's true!"

"Since you love nature, you must love hiking out in the nature."

"Yeah! I do!"

"Since you love taking hikes, you must really love taking hikes with a friend."

"Oh yes, very much so."

"Since you love taking hikes with friends, you must love taking a female friend with you on your hikes."

"Yes, that's very true!"

"Therefore, you must be a heterosexual, isn't that true?"

"Why yes, that's right!"

"Well, from the aquarium, I was able to deduce that you were heterosexual. That's logical thinking!"

The guy thought, this is great! "I'll take the book!" without hesitation. He bought the book on the spot. He returned to the car and his friend asked about the new book he bought.

The guy replied, "It's a book on Logical Thinking."

His friend asked, "Logical Thinking? What's that?"

"Let me give you an example... do you have an aquarium?"

"No, I don't." his friend replied.

"Since you don't have an aquarium, then you're a homo."
Title: Re: Logical Thinking
Post by: gigolo on August 19, 2007, 09:37:09 PM
hahaha funny one
Title: Re: You Know You Are Asian If...
Post by: gigolo on August 19, 2007, 09:43:54 PM
chinese ko lagi matra thik cha jasto lagyo yo joke ta bro
Title: Why Parents Drink
Post by: xnepali on August 20, 2007, 04:58:10 AM
Title: Never Lose Ur Value..
Post by: xnepali on August 22, 2007, 12:01:42 AM
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $500/- note  in the room of 200,                         
                                                                           
He asked, " Who would like this 500 note?" Hands Started going up.                             
                                                                           
He said, " I am going to give this note to one of you But first let me do this."
He proceeded to crumple the note up.     
                                                                           
 He then asked, " Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. 
"Well," he replied, " What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground 
                                                                           
And started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, Now all crumpled and dirty. " Now who still wants it?" Still the hands  went into the air. " My friends, you have all learned a very valuable Lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it  did not decrease in value. It was still worth $ 500/-.
 
Many times in  our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
 
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or
what will Happen, You will never lose your value. You are special don't ever forget it!
     
Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams.
Title: test a lie detector.
Post by: xnepali on August 22, 2007, 12:02:23 AM
An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector.
 
 

The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Ok", he says, "10 bottles".
And the machine is silent.
 
 

The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"All right, 8 hamburgers".
And the machine's silent.
 
 

The Sardarji says: "I think.......", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
Title: FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING ,
Post by: xnepali on August 22, 2007, 12:04:34 AM
FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING ,

          PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS :



1. Peace of mind
                2. Peace of heart
                                 3. Peace of soul

        PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:


1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:



1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another


NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:

 

 1. Turnip for meetings
                  2. Turnip for service
                                3. Turnip to help one another


TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE   THYME:
 

 1. Thyme for each other
                   2. Thyme for family
                                3. Thyme for friends

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. 
THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU  SOW. 
NOT BAD,HUH?!
Title: Learn to be Cool as Ice
Post by: xnepali on August 22, 2007, 12:05:10 AM
Learn to be Cool as Ice
 
Many people do not have the pleasure of being thought of as one of the popular kids in school and they spend the rest of their lives trying to make themselves cool, but instead of looking to what is cool, they buy all sorts of things they think will make people thing they are cool.
 
 
Cars, a fast sports car is the most common thing people buy to make them selves more cool. Most people do not go out and investigate the car that has the least amount of reported problems or is the most fuel efficient car they want a car that looks, fast and intimidating.
Wardrobe: People also thing that the way they dress will make them seem cool to others, so they spend thousands of dollars every few months buying the latest fashions in hopes that others will think they are cool because they are on the cutting edge of fashion.
 
 
Music: People who are looking to improve their image in certain social groups will spend the time finding out what music is hip with those people and will adopt that music as their favorite music, in an attempt to make others think they are cool.
 
 
Gambling, many people fell that gambling makes them appear cool, and with the rise in pokers popularity on television the illusion that gambling makes you seem cool is also growing. But be careful some forms of gambling like poker, roulette, blackjack and craps can make you seem cool some games in the casinos can make you appear less cool. No one is going to think you cool for playing the slot machines, bingo or keno, unless you hit a large jackpot.
Jewelry, also known as Bling is often used as a status symbol and the general rule has become the bigger, more expensive and uglier the jewelry is the cooler the wearer has to be. This has led to some people going out wearing thousands of dollars r the ugliest looking pieces.
 
 
Personal Appearance, many feel that how they look determines how cool they are. These people will spend hours a day working out and are always dieting to try and keep themselves in the best possible physical shape to try to make them cool.
 
 
Being cool is not about what you have or listen to. Being cool is all about who you are. In school being cool was all about being popular, but what most adults see as cool is more about who you are, and doing what you want to do and not what everyone else does. Those who are considered to be cool are usually leaders and not followers.
 
 
Being cool is not about wanting to be cool, being cool is about not caring what other people think and living life to its fullest, and in doing this you will find others with the same interests and these people will think of you as cool.
So I guess the key to being cool is just to make friends with people who enjoy the same things you enjoy and in doing so you will find that as your self image increases your need to be cool decreases, and then you will be cool.
Title: THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER CHOICE
Post by: xnepali on August 22, 2007, 12:05:34 AM
THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER CHOICE

You don't have to buy from anyone.
You don't have to work at any particular job.
You don't have to participate in any given relationship.
You can choose.

You alone steer the course you choose
in the direction of where you want to be today,
tomorrow or in any distant time to come.
You hold the tiller.

You can decide to alter the course of your life at any time.
No one can ever take that away from you.
You can decide what you want and go after it.
It's always your next move.
Title: Re: Never Lose Ur Value..
Post by: gigolo on August 22, 2007, 01:09:58 AM
that is one hell of a truth
Title: Re: Never Lose Ur Value..
Post by: xnepali on August 22, 2007, 10:49:44 AM
yea gigolo....
Title: Pearls of Wisdom
Post by: xnepali on August 24, 2007, 11:45:15 AM
Pearls of Wisdom
"Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over
50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry

   1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

   3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

   4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

   5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

   6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

   7. Never lick a steak knife.

   8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

   9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

  10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

  11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

  12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

  13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

  14. Your friends love you anyway.
Title: Test how dumb you are...
Post by: xnepali on August 25, 2007, 10:08:46 PM
#1
If there are five apples, and you take away three, how many do you have?

    *      0
    *      1
    *      2
    *      3
    *      4
    *      5

# 2
Lee's parents emigrated from China. They have five children. The first four are named La, Le, Li, and Lo. What did they name the fifth?

    *      Lala
    *      Lu
    *      Lee
    *      Susan
    *      There is not sufficient information to guess.

#3
A red house is made from red bricks, a blue house is made from blue bricks, a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks. What is a greenhouse made from?

    *      Wood
    *      Green Bricks
    *      Moss-covered stones
    *      Glass
    *      Red Bricks

#4
The Spanish Civil War, which began July 17 of 1936, was fought between:

    *      Spain and Germany
    *      Mexico and the United States
    *      The Allies and the Axis
    *      Spain and Italy
    *      None of the above

#5
In baseball, how many outs are there in an inning?

    *      1
    *      3
    *      6
    *      9
    *      15
    *      27

#6
Do they have a Fourth of July in England?

    *      Yes
    *      No
    *      Only during leap years

#7
We want to know which gender is more dumb. What's your gender?


#8
A rancher has 33 head of cattle standing in a field, when suddenly a bolt of lightning kills all but 9 of them. How many head of cattle are left standing?

    *      0
    *      9
    *      15
    *      24
    *      26

# 9
If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how many degrees will the hand move in one hour?

    *      0
    *      1
    *      60
    *      180
    *      360

#10
Due to a birth defect, a boy is born with 14 toes, 11 fingers, and 3 thumbs. How many fingernails does the boy have?

    *      0
    *      10
    *      11
    *      14
    *      22
    *      28

#11
George Bush's approval rating has recently fluctuated between 35% and 60%. Approximately what chance does George Bush have to win the 2008 Presidential election?

    *      0%
    *      25%
    *      50%
    *      75%
    *      100%

#12
Some months have 31 days, and some months have 30 days. But how many have 28 days?

    *      1
    *      2
    *      3
    *      5
    *      8
    *      12

# 13
You're the pilot of an airplane that travels from New York to Chicago - a distance of 800 miles. The plane travels at 200 MPH and makes one stop for 30 minutes. What is the pilot's name?

    *      Necessary information is missing.
    *      You can't tell from the question.
    *      Both a & b.
    *      You can tell from the question.

#14
Do people get dumber with age? How old are you?

    *      Birth Date


Title: Re: Test how dumb you are...
Post by: xnepali on August 25, 2007, 10:10:30 PM
   1. 15
      If the Vice President of the United States died, who would be President?
          *            The Speaker of the House.
          *            The Senate Majority Leader.
          *            The Secretary of State.
          *            The President.
          *            The President Pro Temp.
   2.16
      John digs a hole that is 2 yards wide, 3 yards long, and 1 yard deep. How many cubic feet of dirt are in it?
          *            0
          *            1
          *            2
          *            3
          *            6
          *            9
   3.17
      When you adjust for inflation, which is worth more:
          *            1908 pennies
          *            1960 pennies
          *            1990 pennies
          *            2006 pennies
          *            2007 pennies
          *
            Any penny melted-down and sold as scrap metal
   4.
      18       Two U.S. coins are worth a total of $0.30, and one of them is not a nickel. What are the coins?
          *            This is impossible.
          *            One nickel, and one quarter.
          *            Three dimes.
          *            Two dimes and two nickels.
   5.
      19       Which of the following times occur after 3pm?
          *            9pm
          *            Midnight
          *            9am
          *            3pm
          *            All of the above
   6. 20
      If all of Australia sank into the ocean, which of the following would become the world's new largest island?
          *            Greenland
          *            New Guinea
          *            Borneo
          *            Great Britian
          *            Sumatra
          *            None of these
 
Title: Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts
Post by: xnepali on August 29, 2007, 05:30:56 AM
Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:

    * "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

    * "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

    * "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."

    * "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

    * "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."

    * "The patient refused an autopsy."

    * "The patient has no past history of suicides."

    * "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."

    * "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

    * "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

    * "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

    * "She is numb from her toes down."

    * "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

    * "The skin was moist and dry."

    * "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

    * "Patient was alert and unresponsive."

    * "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

    * "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

    * "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

    * "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

    * "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

    * "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."

    * "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."

    * "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

    * "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

    * "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."

    * "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

    * "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."
Title: Life: Explained
Post by: xnepali on August 29, 2007, 05:35:27 AM
Life:
Explained

 

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.
Title: Funny Quotes - Men vs. Women
Post by: xnepali on August 29, 2007, 05:44:17 AM
 Funny Quotes - Men vs. Women

"Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped."

"Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!"

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse'."

"Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest."

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."

"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way."

"Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable."

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."

"He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor."

source :http://7confessions.blogspot.com/2007/08/funny-quotes-men-vs-women.html
Title: an actual essay written by a college applicant
Post by: xnepali on August 31, 2007, 08:00:34 AM
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author,
Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A
PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of
charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me
fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I
know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a
small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a
toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San
Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and
I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.
Title: Re: Life: Explained
Post by: gigolo on September 01, 2007, 12:41:42 AM
that's a good one
Title: A Creation Myth
Post by: xnepali on September 01, 2007, 05:39:49 AM
A Creation Myth

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that i s why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Title: Why do men love summer?
Post by: xnepali on September 05, 2007, 12:15:52 AM
(http://xnepali.com/i/thumbs/xne1188930615z.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/i/viewer.php?id=xne1188930615z.jpg)
Title: Watch out ... Better look around before you screw someone else's wife
Post by: xnepali on September 05, 2007, 12:19:00 AM
(http://xnepali.com/i/thumbs/pkr1188930833u.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/i/viewer.php?id=pkr1188930833u.jpg)
Title: This is why you should not buy things from street vendors
Post by: xnepali on September 05, 2007, 12:20:14 AM
(http://xnepali.com/i/thumbs/laa1188930908d.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/i/viewer.php?id=laa1188930908d.jpg)
Title: Men do not want to see other naked men when they are being sold men's underwear.
Post by: xnepali on September 05, 2007, 12:24:26 AM
This is how they advertise men's underwear properly.

(http://xnepali.com/i/thumbs/aah1188931045g.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/i/viewer.php?id=aah1188931045g.jpg)

(http://xnepali.com/i/thumbs/pkr1188931060e.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/i/viewer.php?id=pkr1188931060e.jpg)


(http://xnepali.com/ihost/thumbs/bfi1188931095f.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/ihost/viewer.php?id=bfi1188931095f.jpg)

(http://xnepali.com/ihost/thumbs/bfi1188931155b.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/ihost/viewer.php?id=bfi1188931155b.jpg)
Title: Wanna Play piano ? ON GIRLS !!! Amazing
Post by: xnepali on September 05, 2007, 01:55:53 AM
http://www.oooooouch.com/piano.swf?id=
Title: Re: This is why you should not buy things from street vendors
Post by: gigolo on September 05, 2007, 12:15:40 PM
idea ta sahi rahecha yaar hahhaha
Title: Words Women Use
Post by: xnepali on September 07, 2007, 08:22:59 AM
Words Women Use

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so it's an even trade.

Nothing

This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'

Go Ahead

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Go Ahead (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (Neutral Expression)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

Soft Sigh

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

Please Do

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

Thanks

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

Thanks A Lot

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Title: To the women who work in my office... I hate you
Post by: xnepali on September 07, 2007, 08:47:19 AM
Title: Lipstick In School
Post by: xnepali on September 07, 2007, 08:48:52 AM
 Lipstick In School
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.
Title: Sick Notes
Post by: xnepali on September 07, 2007, 08:59:55 AM
Sick Notes

These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out] .

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being.It was his father's fault.

15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer fo! R missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Ple ase excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!
Title: Capitalism and Cows
Post by: xnepali on September 07, 2007, 09:04:48 AM
Capitalism and Cows

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM -- You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon(tm) and market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION -- You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION -- You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

ENRON CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

ARTHUR ANDERSON, LLC -- You have 2 cows. You shred all documents that Enron has any cows, take 2 cows from Enron for payment for consulting the cows, and attest that Enron has 9 cows.
Title: Re: Lipstick In School
Post by: gigolo on September 10, 2007, 02:14:09 PM
shit that's a lesson
Title: Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
Post by: xnepali on September 13, 2007, 07:43:53 PM
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Title: Re: things people actually said (Starts with court).. word to word
Post by: b050334iit on September 15, 2007, 08:39:23 PM
nice
Title: Unanswered Questions
Post by: xnepali on September 17, 2007, 03:37:56 AM
Title: Humorous Sayings
Post by: xnepali on September 17, 2007, 03:38:23 AM
Title: Youthful insights
Post by: xnepali on September 17, 2007, 03:40:56 AM
Title: Funny Words of Wisdom
Post by: xnepali on September 17, 2007, 03:55:14 AM
Funny Words of Wisdom

   1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.


   2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


   3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.


   4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


   5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.


   6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

   7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


   8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


   9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.


  10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.


  11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


  12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


  13. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


  14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


  15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.


  16. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


  17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.


  18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


  19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


  20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


  21. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


  22. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.


  23. When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.


  24. I love deadlines...especially the 'whooshing' sound they make as they fly by.


  25. When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.


  26. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?


  27. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.


  28. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.


  29. How can there be self-help "groups"?


  30. Is there another word for 'synonym'?


  31. The speed of time is one-second per second.


  32. Is it possible to be totally partial?


  33. What is another word for 'thesaurus'?


  34. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?


  35. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.


  36. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


Title: Re: Things To Do When You're Bored
Post by: uxwall on July 02, 2018, 08:11:38 AM
not so funny