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xNepali Forum => Fun Stuffs / Literature => Topic started by: xnepali on July 24, 2007, 03:29:51 AM

Title: Top 59 Useless Facts
Post by: xnepali on July 24, 2007, 03:29:51 AM
Title:
Post by: xnepali on July 24, 2007, 03:30:16 AM
Title: Prison vs. Work
Post by: xnepali on July 24, 2007, 03:32:05 AM
Title: Quotes
Post by: xnepali on July 31, 2007, 08:10:41 PM
"Britain is not an island...well, yes it is, but..."

            - Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4
            - from Mark Saxby (Reading, England)

"The President continues to surprise people, so I am not surprised
to be surprised."

            - US Secy of Defense Dick Cheney
            - from Mark Wiersbeck (Minneapolis, MN, USA)

"President Bush is due to address the nation in approximately 20
minutes precisely."

            - Peter Jennings, ABC News
            - from Roger Allen (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
around, unlike  fixed launchers."

            - Katie Coucik, NBC News
            - from Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will resume in
a moment."

            - Tom Brokaw, NBC News
            - from Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)

"We have good reason to believe he was stabbed.  There was a sharp
object sticking out of his chest".

            - Lt. R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Dept,
              cited in National Lampoon calendar
            - from Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)

"The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
at the park because people are leaving their butts on the beach."

            - Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
            - from Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)

"Men between the ages of 18 and 25 must register for the draft on
their 18th birthday."

            - Sign in a US Post Office
            - from Bruce Stadler (Dallas, TX, USA)

"This door must not be opened under any circumstances."

            - Sign outside a fire exit in a hotel
            - from C. N. Kumar (Karnaraka, India)

"We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised."

            - Unidentified general officer, re: Gulf war.
            - from Thierry Ciot (Valbonne, France)

"Yo-Yo Ma and Bobby McFerrin together again for the first time."

            - Ellen Kushner on "Caravan", WGBH radio,
              Boston
            - from Roger Goun (Nashua, NH, USA)

"It is mandatory that tenderers provide proof that the specified 
performance requirements are likely to be achieved by the proposed
system."

            - Request for Quotation from unidentified
              prospective client
            - from Kass Antanaitis (Canberra, Australia)

"President Union will address the nation on the state of the Bush."

            _ Hampton Pearson, news reporter, WBZ TV
            - from Paul Poznick (Andover, MA, USA)

"Although some functional managers had heard of RISC, virtually
none had heard of RISC"

            - Digital Marketing Study
            - from Ken Berkun (Hong Kong)

"Sir James Spicer...has officially opened a lavatory at the Piddle
Valley First School near Dorchester."

            - VNS #2244 Main News, 23 Jan 90
            - from Dick Binder (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Tensions in Latvia...are tense..."

            - WBZ Radio, Boston, 21 Jan 91, news
            - from Gunar Zagars (Andover, MA, USA)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

            -- Miss Alabama in the 1994
            -- Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

            -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
            -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
            -- Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

            -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country,"

            -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."

            -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release
            -- of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it."

            -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians
were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

            -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

            -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."

            -- Unknown.  This has been attributed to:
            Al Gore, Vice President
            Dan Quayle, Vice President
            George W. Bush, Texas Governer

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

            -- Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"

            -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

            -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

            -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."

            -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."

            -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

            -- Unknown.  This has been attributed to:
            Al Gore, Bill Clinton, George Bush
            (Sr. and Jr.), and Dan Quayle

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

            -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

            -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances."

            -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

            -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

From GNU jokes
Title: Ladies VS real women
Post by: xnepali on August 11, 2007, 05:58:10 AM
 Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you
will eat it and I don't  care how bad it tastes."

*************************************************************
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?
*************************************************************
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow! In the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake. You are probably lying your ass on the couch, with your
feet up anyway.
*************************************************************
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry
about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

*************************************************************
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside
of the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate  the sonofabitch
for you.

*************************************************************
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.


Real Women - Go ask the very  HOT  neighbor guy to do it.

*************************************************************
And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??

************************************************************
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
Title: PROUD DADS
Post by: xnepali on August 11, 2007, 05:58:44 AM
PROUD DADS

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee a few minutes later. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
Title: Dilbert's Rules Of Order
Post by: xnepali on August 11, 2007, 05:59:47 AM
Dilbert's Rules Of Order

I can only please one person per day.

Today is not your day. Tomorrow does not look good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

 Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
My reality check bounced.

Everybody is someone else's weirdo.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable.. if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
If it wasn't for the last minute .. nothing would get done.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I poured spot remover over my dog, now he's gone.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Energizer Bunny was arrested, charged with battery.

I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

****************
Title: HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
Post by: xnepali on August 11, 2007, 06:00:28 AM
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

01. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

02. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

03. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.

04. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

05. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

06. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 07. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 08. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 09. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply Whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 12. Ring fire department to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
 cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough  about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

 14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


 HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL

 01. Wrap it in bacon.
Title: Answering Machine (at a Mental Hospital)
Post by: xnepali on August 11, 2007, 06:01:25 AM
Answering Machine (at a Mental Hospital)



"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2
for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4,
5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want.

Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small
voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter
which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with
the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name,
address, telephone number, date of birth, social
security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder,
s-l-o-w-l-y & >c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message
after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All
operators are too busy to talk to you."
Title: When God created Canada
Post by: xnepali on August 11, 2007, 06:02:12 AM
When God created Canada

God went missing for 6 days. Michael the Archangel found God resting on the 7th day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it EARTH and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor, the Middle East over-there will be a hot spot. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. "

The Archangel impressed by God's work, and then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "That's Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance?"  God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."
Title: Re: When God created Canada
Post by: xnepali on August 13, 2007, 10:16:21 PM
Canadian Revenge

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."
Title: Europeans
Post by: xnepali on August 13, 2007, 10:16:44 PM
Europeans

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

    * Two Italian men and one Italian woman
    * Two French men and one French woman
    * Two German men and one German woman
    * Two Greek men and one Greek woman
    * Two English men and one English woman
    * Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
    * Two Norwegian men and one Norwegian woman
    * Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...

    * The one Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
    * The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
    * The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when to alternate with the German woman.
    * The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
    * The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
    * The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
    * The two Norwegian men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
    * The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
Title: Pearly Gate Humor
Post by: xnepali on August 17, 2007, 05:54:26 AM
Title: A DOG NAMED SEX
Post by: xnepali on September 10, 2007, 11:14:04 AM
A DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot*. I called mine *sex*. Now sex has been very embarrassing to me when I went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for sex. I told the clerk I'd like a license for sex he said. "I would like to have one too!". Then I said, "she is a dog!!". He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "you don't understand. I had sex since I was 9 years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "but sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the justice of peace. My family was barred from the church then on.

When my wife and went on out honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "me too!"

One day I entered sex in a contest. But before the competition began, sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand!!" I said. "I hoped to have sex on TV!!". He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "your honour. I had sex before I was married, but sex left me after I was married." The judge said, "me too!!"

Last night, sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me, "what seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "sex has been my best friend all of my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer. So lonely." The doctor said, "look mister you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend. So get yourself a dog."
Title: 9 WORDS WOMEN USE
Post by: xnepali on September 10, 2007, 11:17:07 AM
Title: 50 Fun Things to Do in a Computer Room!
Post by: xnepali on September 10, 2007, 11:21:40 AM
50 Fun Things to Do in a Computer Room!

 

 

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, and go back to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You''re such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
Title: Two Wishes
Post by: xnepali on September 10, 2007, 11:23:21 AM
Title: New procedure
Post by: xnepali on September 10, 2007, 11:23:52 AM
Title: Definitions not in the dictionary
Post by: xnepali on September 10, 2007, 11:24:16 AM
Definitions not in the dictionary

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

*SKELETON:* A past Job
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines!
Title: Who Wants to Live to be 100?
Post by: xnepali on September 10, 2007, 11:24:44 AM
Title: Jokes
Post by: xnepali on September 17, 2007, 03:44:38 AM
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: xnepali on September 17, 2007, 03:45:01 AM
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: xnepali on September 17, 2007, 03:45:17 AM
Title: Whales
Post by: xnepali on October 07, 2007, 08:39:59 AM
Title: What is this lady's name ?
Post by: xnepali on October 17, 2007, 03:16:06 AM
Title: Who is the BEST - Infosys, Wipro or TCS?
Post by: xnepali on October 17, 2007, 03:38:34 AM
Who is the BEST - Infosys, Wipro or TCS?
 

One day, three consultants, one from Wipro, one from Infosys and one from TCS, went out for a walk.
 
"Why don't we prove who is the best among ourselves?"   
 
 
Why not, said the other two.
 
The Infosian said "Let's have a test. Whoever makes this monkey laugh, works for the best firm".
 
Being a pure logical strategist, the person from TCS tried to make the monkey Laugh by telling jokes. The monkey stayed still.
As a more practical consultant, the Wipro guy tried to make funny gestures... No good, the monkey stayed put...
 
Now, comes the Infosian. Being the practical guy he was always trained to be, he whispered something into the monkey's ear, and it burst out laughing at him..
 
 
 
The other two were astonished. So the Wipro guy said "OK, let's take another test. Let's make this monkey cry!!"
 
So there they went again, applying the same methods as before. The TCS guy narrated sad stories, the Wipro guy made sad gestures, and they failed again...
 
Then, the Infosian again whispered something into the monkey's ear and oh! It started crying, patting the Infosian's shoulder!
 
 
 
The other two just could not believe their eyes! So the tcs guy said "OK, you've won twice. If you can win just this one, we will bow to you. Let's make this monkey run".
 
And he barked at the monkey and ordered him to run. Of course, it stayed where it was.. The Wipro guy, true to his type, pushed and prodded the monkey- still No go.
 
So...here comes Infosian, again, and whispers into the monkey's ear. The Monkey just takes off! It runs and runs as fast as it can, as if it was scared to death!
 
The other two surrendered.
 
They Said: "OK, we give up.
 
You're the best among us, and you work for the Best firm of the three. But please, please tell us your secret," they begged him.
 
 
 
"Well", said the Infosian , "The first time I made it laugh, I told I work for Infosys . The next time, I told the monkey how much I get paid ...so it started crying.
 
And then I told that I was here for recruitment !!!

Please don't mind, it just a joke.

Title: Traffic Signs
Post by: xnepali on October 23, 2007, 02:51:08 AM
(http://xnepali.com/i/thumbs/pkr1193087132e.jpg) (http://xnepali.com/i/viewer.php?id=pkr1193087132e.jpg)
Title: Lie Detector
Post by: xnepali on October 30, 2007, 11:07:49 PM
Title: Love-Joke
Post by: xnepali on December 13, 2007, 10:31:38 AM
sort of... it's funny though

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got
arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8


"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.

Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5


"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6


"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8


"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)


"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)


"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."
Noelle - age 7


"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
> friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8


"My mommy loves me more than anybody.
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt."
Chris - age 7


"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4


"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7


"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
Title: Re: Traffic Signs
Post by: xsajha on January 04, 2008, 06:28:56 AM
very old but nice !
Title: I will be always there for you
Post by: xnepali on January 07, 2008, 02:24:07 AM
When things go wrong,
When sadness fills your heart,
When tears flow in your eyes,


Just let me know,

Because, I want to be there for you,


BECAUSE!!!!

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We are Selling Tissue Papers

to wipe Tears.
Buy 1, Get 1 Free...


Always Keep Smiling!

-- got it in email.
Title: I am really ............
Post by: xnepali on January 07, 2008, 02:27:01 AM
(http://xnepali.com/ihost/images/rgh1199652072p.gif)
Title: Please use the following if contacted by a telemarketer.
Post by: xsajha on January 09, 2008, 02:10:28 AM
Title: Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners
Post by: xnepali on January 09, 2008, 11:17:32 AM
Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners

   1. I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
   2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.
   3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
   4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
   5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
   6. I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
   7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
   8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
   9. I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
  10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
  11. I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.
  12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
  14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
  15. I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
  16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
  17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
  18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
  19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
  20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
  21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Title: 59 FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 07:56:12 AM
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
 
 1    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
 2    Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
 3    After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
 4    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
 5    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
 6    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
 7    "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
 8    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
 9    "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
 10    "Last one off the plane must clean it."
 11    From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
 12    This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
 13    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
 14    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
 15    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
 16    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

source - http://www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/flightannouncements.htm
Title: ALCOHOL IS BAD FOR YOU - is it true?
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 07:59:13 AM
ALCOHOL IS BAD FOR YOU
(can this be true ?)

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers :


1    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your underwear.

2    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

4    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

5    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

6    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

7    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your backside kicked.

9    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

10    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

11    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

12    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

13    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Title: WRONG NUMBER
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:01:41 AM
WRONG NUMBER

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
Title: One way to Avoid a speeding ticket
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:02:30 AM
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer : May I see your driver's license ?

Driver : I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my ticket for driving while drunk.

Officer : May I see the registration for this vehicle ?

Driver : It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer : The car is stolen ?

Driver : That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer : There's a gun in the glove box ?

Driver : Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the blonde bitch who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer : There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?! ?

Driver : Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain : Sir, can I see your license ?

Driver : Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain : Whose car is this ?

Driver : It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain : Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it ?

Driver : Gun  ? What gun ? ?

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain : Would you mind opening your trunk ? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver : I said what ????

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain : I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver : Yeah, And I'll bet the lying son-of-a-bitch told you I was speeding too !!!
Title: Famous Quotes
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:04:16 AM
Title: The Three-minute Management Course
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:05:14 AM
Title: Re: The Three-minute Management Course
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:05:28 AM
Title: Re: The Three-minute Management Course
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:05:40 AM
Title: Re: The Three-minute Management Course
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:05:52 AM
Title: Re: The Three-minute Management Course
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:06:03 AM
Title: Re: The Three-minute Management Course
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:06:17 AM
Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

** Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!








AND

This ends the Three-minute Management Course.
Title: Real US Ads
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:08:21 AM
Title: M E N
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:08:59 AM
M E N

Q : What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A : Shoot him again.

Q : How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A : When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q : Why do little boys whine?
A : Because they're practicing to be men.

Q : How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A : One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q : What do you call a handcuffed man?
A : Trustworthy.

Q : What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A : You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q : Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A : To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q : What is the difference between men and women?
A : A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q : How does a man keep his youth?
A : By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q : How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A : Rename the mail folder "instruction manuals"
Title: Wise Sayings ---- Recycled
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:09:59 AM
1
   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2
   The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3
   It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4
   Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5
   Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6
   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7
   Many is the man who has drowned in a lake whose average depth was only three feet.

8
   It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9
   It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10
   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11
   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

12
   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13
   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14
   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15
   Don't squat with your spurs on.

16
   If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17
   If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18
   Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19
   Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

20
   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

21
   Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

22
   A closed mouth gathers no foot.

23
   Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

24
   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

25
   Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

26
   Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

27
   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

28
   If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

29    The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

30    We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Title: Sexual Orientation: How to Know if You Are Gay or Lesbian
Post by: xsajha on January 10, 2008, 08:12:36 AM
Title: 8 SPECIAL GIFTS
Post by: xnepali on January 13, 2008, 06:04:20 AM
  8 SPECIAL GIFTS
                                 
 
1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING...
But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.

 2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION...
Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.

 3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER...
Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

 4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE...
It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.

 5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT.. .
A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.

 6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR...
Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.

 7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE...
There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

 8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION. ..
The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's not that hard to say, "Hello" or "Thank you."
Title: Re: One way to Avoid a speeding ticket
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 02:42:34 PM
:)
Title: Re: WRONG NUMBER
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 02:49:08 PM
 :d
Title: Re: Love-Joke
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 02:52:05 PM
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Title: Re: Lie Detector
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 02:57:19 PM
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Title: Re: Who is the BEST - Infosys, Wipro or TCS?
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 02:59:39 PM
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Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:00:09 PM
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Title: Re: What is this lady's name ?
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:00:38 PM
Open scret
Title: Re: Whales
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:00:56 PM
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Title: Re: Who Wants to Live to be 100?
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:02:37 PM
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Title: Re: 50 Fun Things to Do in a Computer Room!
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:04:23 PM
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Title: Re: New procedure
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:04:35 PM
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Title: Re: Two Wishes
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:04:42 PM
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Title: Re: 9 WORDS WOMEN USE
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:04:54 PM
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Title: Re: Definitions not in the dictionary
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:05:45 PM
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Title: Re: A DOG NAMED SEX
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:07:09 PM
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Title: Re: Europeans
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:07:23 PM
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Title: Re: HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:07:55 PM
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Title: Re: Answering Machine (at a Mental Hospital)
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:08:25 PM
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Title: Re: Pearly Gate Humor
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:08:41 PM
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Title: Re: When God created Canada
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:09:38 PM
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Title:
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:12:59 PM
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Title: Re: Prison vs. Work
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:13:29 PM
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Title: Re: Quotes
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:13:47 PM
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Title: Re: Ladies VS real women
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:14:29 PM
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Title: Re: PROUD DADS
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:14:50 PM
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Title: Re: Top 59 Useless Facts
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:15:15 PM
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Title: Re: Dilbert's Rules Of Order
Post by: r1p2b6 on January 16, 2008, 03:18:01 PM
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Title: Re: Top 59 Useless Facts
Post by: uxwall on July 02, 2018, 08:11:50 AM
does not make sense