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xNepali Forum => Fun Stuffs / Literature => Topic started by: hot on February 18, 2007, 08:15:24 AM

Title: Some Hum Jayega Jokes
Post by: hot on February 18, 2007, 08:15:24 AM
The speaking cat

 

One night a thief had broken into a house. Suddenly while he was stealing a dish fell down making a loud noise. The sound woke up the owners. The owner asked from his bed, "Who's there?"

The thief made the sound of a cat," Mew".

The owner asked again," Who's there?".

Again the thief made the sound of a cat," Mew"," Mew".

The owner asked again," Who's there?".

Annoyed the thief screamed, "Don't you hear I am the cat?".
 

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Feeding the animal
 

Once a man who was convicted of his wife's murder was presented before the judge.

The attorney said," Me lord! this man is here because he pushed his wife to the crocodile's place in the zoo to let her be eaten by the crocodile."

The judge responded," Doesn't he know that nothing should be fed to the animals in the zoo?"
 

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Proving Earth is round:
Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Hum Jayega's son: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
 

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Sleeping in the class
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Hum Jayega's son: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."
 

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Brotherly Love

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?

Hum Jayega's son: Brotherly love.
 

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 SALARY EXPECTED?
Hum Jayega is filling up a job application. He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED. After much thought he writes: Yes
 

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Hum Jayega's Thermos
Hum Jayega goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask."
Hum Jayega asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
Hum Jayega says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos.
His boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a Thermos flask."
The boss asks, "What does it do?"
He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
Hum Jayega replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
 

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Doctor's Advice
The doctor told Hum Jayega that if he ran eight kilometres a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Hum Jayega called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."
 

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Thanks for the complement!
Hum Jayega: Any woman can handle an intelligent husband but only a very intelligent wife can handle a fool.

Wife: Thanks for the complement!

 
 

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Brave Hum Jayega

Some children were playing near a pond. Suddenly one of them slipped into the water. other children started shouting and people nearby gathered around the place. But none among them could be bold enough to get into the water to save the drowning boy. After a few moments, Hum Jayega was seen jumping into the water and crowd was excited. Hum Jayega came out with the boy and saved him from drowning.

The boy's father thanked Hum Jayega for his bravery and said, "You richly deserve a prize for your boldness?"

Hum Jayega said, "First tell me, who pushed me in to the water from behind?"
 
Title: Re: Some Hum Jayega Jokes
Post by: hot on February 18, 2007, 08:16:07 AM
Hum Jayega goes hunting.

HUM JAYEGA and one of his friends are out in the woods for hunting when his friend falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. HUM JAYEGA starts to panic, then he whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my god! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

HUM JAYEGA comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
 

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Hum Jayega and the annoying kid
 

One day while Hum Jayega was driving a bus, a small kid boarded his bus and sat beside him. The kid started talking with himself.

He said: If my dad was a elephant and my mom was a female elephant, I would have been a baby elephant.

Again he said: I f my dad was a horse and my mother a female horse, I would have been a baby horse.

The kid went on blurting when annoyed Hum Jayega asked:

What would you have been if your father was a drunkard and your mother a prostitute?

The kid replied: A bus driver!
 

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Hum Jayega's Favorite Flower:

 

Once  Hum Jayega and his two friends were sitting together. An Englishman came up and asked, hey guys, what is your favourite flowers?

One of the Hum Jayega's friend replied ,'Lotus'
'Ha, I clean my shit with that!' the Englishman jeered

The friend got angry.

Another friend replied: 'Jasmine'
'Ha I clean my shit with that!' The Englishman response

He also got angry.


The Englishman asked Hum Jayega, 'And what is your favourite flower?'
 

Hum Jayega replied: 'Cactus! Now clean your ass with that! "
 

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Dad and son:
 

When Hum Jayega's son couldn't memorize his lesson:

Hum Jayega: Have you seen an ass?

Son: Yes, Dad!

Hum Jayega: How about an owl?

Son: That too Dad!

Hum Jayega: Yes, you look just like them.

Son: But dad, mum says I look exactly like you.
 

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Lawyer and the phone:
 A newly certified lawyer had just set up an office and was sitting in his office when he saw a man entering his room. Taking him as client the lawyer immediately picked up the phone and said: "Yes Balbir, Tell Chadra Sir that we won both of the cases."

The lawyer asked then asked the man, "Can I help you?"

The man hesitatingly replied: "I am here to connect your telephone."
 

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 30000 kms
Hum Jayega wanted to sell his old battered Maruti car which had done more than 100,000 kms. Since no body was inclined to buy it, he approached his friend to help him dispose it off. The friend advised him to have the mileage meter reading reduced to around 30,000 kms so that he could tell the prospective customer that it has been used sparingly.Hum Jayega liked the idea. A few weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to dispose off his car.Hum Jayega replied, "Are you mad? Who sells a car which has done only 30000 kms!
 

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Test

Hum Jayega and a man were sitting outside a clinic. The man was crying like anything. So Hum Jayega asked, "Why are you crying?" The man replied, "I came here for blood test" Hum Jayega asked," So? Are you afraid?" The man replied, "No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger" Hearing this Hum Jayega started crying. The man was astonished and asked Hum Jayega, "Why are you crying?" Hum Jayega replied, "I have come for my urine test."
 

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Crocodile boots

Hum Jayega proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefoot!"
 

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Where does God Live?
 

Once the teacher was teaching moral science. He asked Hum Jayega's son," Kid do you know where god lives?"

Hum Jayega's son replied, "He lives in our bathroom."

Dismayed the teacher asked," What makes you say that?"

Student replied: "Because every morning my father bangs the bathroom door and shouts "Oh my god you are still there."
Title: Re: Some Hum Jayega Jokes
Post by: hot on February 18, 2007, 08:16:58 AM
One day Hum Jayega went to the doctor with both of his ears burnt.
Doctor: So tell me how u burnt your both ears?'
Hum Jayega: I was ironing when the phone rang and I answered the iron by mistake"
Doctor: But how did you burn both of them?
Hum Jayega: Well, as soon as I put the iron down, the phone rang again.
 

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When Hum Jayega went to Greece looking for a job, he got one as a tourist guide. On his first assignment.
Tourist: This skull must be the Great Alexander's?

Hum Jayega: Yes madam, it is!

Tourist: What about this small one?

Hum Jayega: Oh! that was when he was only a kid.
 

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Chicken and Egg:

Friend: I just wonder how a chick hatches out of an egg!

Hum Jayega: I too, but I am more surprised as to how the chick entered the egg in the first place!
 

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 HUM JAYEGA GOES TO THE DOCTOR
HUM JAYEGA walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor he's broken every single bone in his body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor. HUM JAYEGA says, "No, it's really true. Look!" He then touches his leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then he touches his arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!" Finally he touches his ribs and can barely maintain his composure as the tears start to roll down his face. He says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body." The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, Sir," he tells HUM JAYEGA, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken your finger."
 

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SOLUTION IN 51 DAYS
HUM JAYEGA and his friend walk into a bar. HUM JAYEGA tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. They lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line them up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" HUM JAYEGA explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

(Actually the 2-4 years meant the age group for the jigsaw puzzle.)
 

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Be Silent
Our Hum Jayega got an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. Hum Jayega had never flied before and hence was quite excited although tense.
Once he boarded the plane, a BOEING 707 Hum Jayega started jumping in excitement, jumping from seat to seat and shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.
He forgot all about the surroundings and the shouting reached the cock-pit.
Irritated by the sound, the Pilot came out and shouted 'BE SILENT! '.
There was a pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody was  looking at the Hum Jayega and the angry Pilot.

Hum Jayega stared at the Pilot in silence for a moment and the next moment was shouting, 'OEING!     OEING!!          OEING!!!   OE...'.
 

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Hum Jayega in Hospital
 

Once Hum Jayega was admitted to the hospital for an operation. But one day a nurse saw him rushing out of the hospital on his wheelchair.

Nurse: (Dismayed) You have an operation today, isn't it?

Hum Jayega: Yes!

Nurse: Then why are you running away?

Hum Jayega: Because a nurse said, "Why are you so afraid. Nothing will go wrong. It's just a minor operation."

Nurse: Yes, it's a minor operation but why are you so worried?

Hum Jayega: Because the nurse was telling that to the doctor not me!
 

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Hum Jayega in Titanic
"Help.... the Titanic is going to be drowned...."
Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God...
Just then a Italian asks the nearby Hum Jayega in the ship.
Italian : How far is land, from here ?
Hum Jayega : Two miles .
Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise.
I have got the experience of swimming even more.
The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again.
Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ?
Hum Jayega : Downwards... !!
Title: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:17:34 AM
While waiting for a bus a sardar sees a truck being towed away by another truck. He laughs, breaks down, rolls on the ground and cannot control his laughter. There is a madrasi who is standing with the sardar for the bus. He wonders what's up ? Calls sardar, but sardar cannot control himself, points at the towing truck & again rolls on the ground, billowing more dust. The madrasi appa is annoyed, pulls up sardar asks him what is so funny ?The sardar says "Kya zamana aa gaya hai, Ek rassi uthane ke liya do-do Truck" and again starts rolling.......

Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:17:57 AM
Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "
I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.
" Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But ..what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:18:28 AM
DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE

Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double-decker bus.Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat,But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After awhile when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh.He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.
He says, "Arre Banta Singh ! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?

Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.*"
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:18:59 AM

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Towerwhen someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.
"
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:19:54 AM
Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space.The ground control issues commands "Rubi!"
"Woof!" its the barking sound
"Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!"
"Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Sardarji!" "Woof."
"Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:20:04 AM

Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate
"Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese."
"How come you write "Chinese"when both parents are Sikh?" " Aah, Sardarji read
a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:20:11 AM

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"
The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:20:23 AM
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the Station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?"
Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:21:07 AM
TO LOSE WEIGHT..


The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34
kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?"asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:21:14 AM
TRAIN TO LUDHIANA..

Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk:
"Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Gani Singh.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:21:26 AM

Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman
as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:21:35 AM
What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:21:59 AM

"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:23:01 AM
How do you get Sardar on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:23:13 AM
Why can't Sardar dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:23:20 AM
How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:23:30 AM
Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their
shoes? Toes Go In First.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:23:37 AM
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning
torms? They think their picture is being taken.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:23:45 AM
What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:23:57 AM

What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:24:06 AM

What do you see when you look into a Sardar'
eyes? The back of his head.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:24:13 AM
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:24:19 AM
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:24:26 AM
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:24:32 AM
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:24:38 AM

What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?

Trying to hold on to a thought.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:24:48 AM
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:24:56 AM
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:25:54 AM
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand
grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:26:24 AM
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:26:36 AM
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:26:43 AM
Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV,"
he told the salesman."Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:26:51 AM
What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper ?
(he already has one and he wants one more..)
He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!!
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:27:00 AM

What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ?
He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:27:13 AM
A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."
The sardar then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The sardar says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His sardar boss sees him and asks,
"What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a thermos flask."
The boss then says,"What does it do?"
He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:27:36 AM
CROCODILE BOOTS..

Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims
"71st and *again* barefeet!"
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:27:56 AM
EMPLOYMENT..

Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column "Salary Expected" : He was not sure as to what to be filled there.
After much thought he wrote : Yes
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:28:20 AM
Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:28:40 AM
The sardarni asks her lover, "santa dear, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?".
Sure", replies santa. "What's your phone number?"
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:28:54 AM

One day sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa singh your daughter Preeto just died in an accident."Sardarji was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window.While coming down when he was near the tenth floor, he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Santa Singh.
Title: Re: jokes collection
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 12:29:16 AM
AT last


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This is another joke......
Title: jokes about sex
Post by: xnepali on March 14, 2007, 05:03:15 AM
Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than
Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!


............

told by a friend in the UK.

What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.

Why do the girls from Essex get confused in the ladies room?
They have to pull their own pants down.

Why do Essex girls have more fun?
Because they don't know any better!

What's the difference between an Essex girl and Robert Maxwell?
An Essex girl won't slip off your boat.
(English cockney rhyming slang boat race= face)


What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)


Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)


But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.


What is 69 squared?
Dinner for 4.


What is 68?
You do me and I owe you one.


Q. What's the speed limit on sex?
68. At 69, she'll blow a rod.
or
68. At 69, you have to turn around.


What is the meaning of 6.9 for a woman?
69 interrupted by a period! (ouch..gross!)
Title: Re: jokes about sex
Post by: Xteam on March 14, 2007, 12:31:07 PM
HA..HA.. NICE ONE THANK YOU