Author Topic: Basics Guidelines for Life  (Read 64389 times)

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xnepali

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Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
« Reply #20 on: October 07, 2007, 08:54:34 AM »
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-d...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

xnepali

  • Guest
Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
« Reply #21 on: October 07, 2007, 08:54:55 AM »

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

xnepali

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Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
« Reply #22 on: October 07, 2007, 08:55:13 AM »

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?".
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear" she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room".
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy".


xnepali

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Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
« Reply #23 on: October 07, 2007, 08:55:34 AM »
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?".
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.".

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"


xnepali

  • Guest
Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
« Reply #24 on: October 07, 2007, 08:55:47 AM »
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

xnepali

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Re: Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
« Reply #25 on: October 07, 2007, 08:55:57 AM »

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ".
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?".
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!".
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

xnepali

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50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.
« Reply #26 on: October 09, 2007, 09:22:27 PM »
50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.


xnepali

  • Guest
Re: 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.
« Reply #27 on: October 09, 2007, 09:22:48 PM »
26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

That is all.

source: http://tweekerchick.blogspot.com/2006/11/so.html

xnepali

  • Guest
What to Do With Hotel Soap
« Reply #28 on: October 14, 2007, 11:09:38 PM »
What to Do With Hotel Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters
to the London Sunday Times!


Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on
top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we
are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your
way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I
put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't
remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the
medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to
when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further
assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept
my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have
54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me
back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:

 - On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
   stack of 2.

 - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

 - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,

 - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

 - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
   of 2.

 - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

 - On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

 - On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4  have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.

S. Berman


gigolo

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Re: What to Do With Hotel Soap
« Reply #29 on: October 15, 2007, 02:46:54 PM »
hahaha that's funny yaar