Author Topic: Basics Guidelines for Life  (Read 65136 times)

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xnepali

  • Guest
hindi funny SMS
« Reply #30 on: October 17, 2007, 03:16:54 AM »
1) Q : Wat is the height of mixed emotion ???Ans : Wen ur mother -in- law falls from 7th floor on ur mercedes.... .

2) Boy: O Bewafa tune Shadi Q ki? Mera Dil jal k Raakh ho gaya...
Girl: Fikr na kar tumhari Raakh bekar na jayegi...
Yahan bhej do Bartan dhone k kaam aayegi.

3) Nari ke chakkar me bhulo mat yari, Laat maaregi naari to yaad ayegi yaari, Baat maano hamari ban jao brahmchari, Ye jaankari janhit me jaari

4) What is d diff
btwn
daava n daru?

Dava
is lik ''grlfrnd"
dat comes
with expiry date

n

daru
is
like ''wife''
jitni purani hogi
utni sir pe chadti hai.

5) 1 Medical student ne apni classmate ko khun se likha letter dekar kaha,"Muje iska ans jarur dena
Ladki Ne jawab diya,"Tumara blodgrup A+ Hai

6) Aey mere kadradan Dost meri jaan.Tum hamesha rahoge hattekatte naujawan kyounki...Jab Khuda meherban to GADHA bhi PAHALWAN.

7) Napolean:There' s no such word as impossible in my dictionary.. ...

Sardarji : Oye!!!
Toh dictionary dekh ke kharidni
thi na!

8) Om namah shivaye
om sai ram
wahe guru
jai shri krishna..... . ... ............
dar mat kisi ko bhejna nahi hai...khud hi jap le..."Papi".

9) English teacher: "One cute & young girl is walking on d road."
Change this into an Exclamatory sentence.
Student: "Oh GOD, what a piece!!!

10) BANIA apne bacho se bola-Jo rat ko khana nahi khayega,use 5 Rs dunga.
Bache 5-5 Rs le kar so gaye.Subah bola-Jo 5Rs dega use hi khana milega. JAI BANIA.

xnepali

  • Guest
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
« Reply #31 on: October 17, 2007, 03:17:26 AM »
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE  MENU


Hello and thank you for calling The State  Mental Hospital.


Please select from the  following options menu:


If you are  obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.


If  you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2  for you.


If you have multiple personalities,  press 3, 4, 5 and 6.


If you are paranoid, we  know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the
line so we can trace your  call.


If you are delusional, press 7 and your  call will be forwarded to the
MotherShip.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a  little voice will
tell
you which number to  press.


If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't  matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy  anyway.


If you are dyslexic, press  9696969696969696.


If you are bipolar, please  leave a message after the beep or before
the
beep or after the  beep. Please wait for the  beep.


If you have short-term memory loss,  press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term  memory loss, press 9.


If you have low  self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too
busy
to talk with  you.


If you are menopausal, put the guns down, hang  up, turn on the fan,
lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy  forever.


If you are blonde, don't press any  buttons, you'll just mess it  up
anyhow."

xnepali

  • Guest
Do You Think English is Easy???
« Reply #32 on: October 17, 2007, 03:18:50 AM »
Do You Think English is Easy???

Read to the end . . a new twist to an oldie
[/size]


Can you read these right the first time?
     1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to
produce produce.


3) The dump was so full that it had to
refuse more refuse.


4) We must
polish the Polish  furniture.


5) He could
lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to
desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the
present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A
bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the
dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not
object to the object.

11) The insurance was
invalid for  the invalid.

12) There was a
row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too
close to the door to close it.

14) The buck
does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a
sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his
sow to sow.

17) The
wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the
tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to
subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I
intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a strange language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?


If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"



You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is
"UP." [/size]

It's easy to understand
[/size]UP[/size], meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP[/size]? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP[/size]? Why do we speak UP[/size] and why are the officers UP[/size] for election and why is it UP[/size] to the secretary to write [/size]UP[/size] a report?

We call
[/size]UP[/size] our friends. And we use it to brighten [/size]UP[/size] a room, polish UP[/size] the silver, we warm [/size]UP[/size] the leftovers and clean UP[/size] the kitchen. We lock UP[/size] the house and some guys fix UP[/size] the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir [/size]UP[/size] trouble, line [/size]UP[/size] for tickets, work [/size]UP[/size] an appetite, and think [/size]UP[/size] excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP[/size] is special.

And this
UP[/size] is confusing: A drain must be opened UP[/size] because it is stopped UP[/size]. We open UP[/size] a store in the morning but we close it UP[/size] at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed
UP[/size] about UP[/size]! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of [/size]UP[/size], look the word UP[/size] in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP[/size] almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP[/size] to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP[/size] to it, you might try building UP[/size] [/size]a list of the many ways UP[/size] is  used. It will take [/size]UP[/size] a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP[/size], you may wind UP[/size] with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding [/size]UP[/size]. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP[/size] .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things
UP[/size].[/size] [/size]

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry
UP[/size].

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it
UP[/size], for now my time is UP[/size], so........... it is time to shut [/size]UP[/size].....!

Oh . . . one
more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U-P[/size]
« Last Edit: October 17, 2007, 03:33:12 AM by nep »

xnepali

  • Guest
Re: Do You Think English is Easy???
« Reply #33 on: October 17, 2007, 03:34:27 AM »
Same text
In plain letters







Do You Think English is Easy???

Read to the end . . a new twist to an oldie


Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce.


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a strange language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we
awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened
UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP.....!

Oh . . . one
more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

xnepali

  • Guest
To realize
« Reply #34 on: October 17, 2007, 03:35:20 AM »
To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident...

To! realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when

you can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.

xnepali

  • Guest
Why are Indian husbands called "MADE OF SILVER"
« Reply #35 on: October 17, 2007, 03:37:06 AM »
Why are Indian husbands called "MADE OF SILVER"

And

Why are American husbands called "MADE OF GOLD"


Think about it

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Think more

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Don't you know?


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BCoz










Indian wives call their husband "A g" ( Scientific Symbol for Silver)

American wives call their husband "A u" ( Scientific Symbol for Gold)

xnepali

  • Guest
Single, but needn't mingle
« Reply #36 on: October 17, 2007, 03:37:58 AM »

xnepali

  • Guest
men
« Reply #37 on: October 17, 2007, 03:39:06 AM »
The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome AND nice men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have no money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW...WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?!?!
 
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

xnepali

  • Guest
SMS Nepali ma
« Reply #38 on: October 29, 2007, 10:31:35 PM »
1.तिन महान वी.पी. कोईराला जो बितिसके मदन भण्डारी जो सिद्धिइसके नारायण गोपाल जलि सके बाँकी २ जना छौं,तिमी र म भेट्दै गरौं है ।

2.कहाँ छौ मित्र ? जहाँ भएपनि ६,७ घन्टा जहाँ हो त्यहीँ बस । तिम्रो ज्यानको खतरा हुनसक्छ............ .........किनकी नगरपालिकाले आज शहरको सबै भुस्याहा कुकुर मार्न थालेको रहेछ

3.दुई भन्दा बढी सन्तान नजन्माऔं............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......एकबर्षमा ।

4.स्त्रिको कपडाकोमा सबैभन्दा बढी बेरिने गायककार को हो ?
उत्तरः उदीतनारायण झा । किनकी उनकै भनाई अनुसार कहिले तिम्रो पछ्यौरीमा अल्झें, कहिले तिम्रौ चोबन्दीमा अल्झें ।

5.निन्द्रा भगाउने उत्तम उपाय.....प्रेम गर्नोस् । किन ? किनकी भन्छन्: प्रेममा भोक,प्यास र निन्द्रा हराउँछ ।

6.मित्र, तिमीजस्तो राम्रो र असलमानिस यो संसारको अर्को कुनैपनि खण्डमा छैन भ............ ......... ..

7.लम्फुलाई मेसेज आयोः यो मेसेज पठाउने हिरो पढ्ने जिरो लम्फुले सो मेसेज रिप्लाई गरिदियोः यो मेसेज पठाउने जिरो, पढेने हिरो ।

8.रामले धनुष भाँच्दा जनक खुशी शिवले डमरु बजाउँदा पार्वती खुशी कृष्णले बाँसुरी बजाउँदा राधा खुशी मैले सुशेली बजाउँदा तिम्रो बाउ किन बेखुशी यार ?

9.लुगा धुने धोबी तरकारी खाने कोबी जो एसएमएस पठाउँदैन उ संसारको उत्कृष्ट लोभी

(got them in email)

xnepali

  • Guest
Re: SMS Nepali ma
« Reply #39 on: October 29, 2007, 10:32:00 PM »
IF I am not mailing you it doesnot means that i have forgoten you
I am just Giving you chance to miss me!!!!