Author Topic: Fun Facts  (Read 153137 times)

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xnepali

  • Guest
It's Good to Be a Man!
« Reply #230 on: October 07, 2007, 08:42:15 AM »

It's Good to Be a Man!

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky."

Same work...more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th.....in 45 minutes.

Damn it's good to be a man.

xnepali

  • Guest
Warning Signs
« Reply #231 on: October 07, 2007, 08:44:10 AM »
On a lawnmower I had was a big label which read: "WARNING WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING- THE BLADE IS TURNING!"

We once bought a grocery store pizza and the instruction were on the bottom, so we turned it upside down to see how long to cook it etc., and low and behold the first instruction was DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN!

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orificeā€¦

My bathroom has inadequate ventilation and therefore, develops mold spots in the lower corners. I attempted to purchase a cleaner specifically designed to remove bathroom mold deposits. The directions on the product label stated, "Only use in well ventilated areas."

Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle: "Do not open here."

On a bottle of spray paint: "Do not spray in your face."

On a bottle of bathtub cleaner: For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.

On a container of lighter fluid: WARNING: Contents flammable!

On a bottle of hand lotion: Warning: Starts healing skin on contact.

On a box of household nails: CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!

Microwave popcorn is packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it. Direction #1 is Remove plastic.

On a television commercial that says it cleans dentures 4 times better. Below in small print it said "Lab test: (their product) vs. water.

On a television commercial I saw it said they their denture paste was better than any other. BELOW IT, it said in small letters, vs. using no adhesive.

I have a full-face motorcycle helmet with a giant arrow pointing to the front. I can only guess that some idiot put the helmet on backwards, jumped on a bike and hurt himself. This is to protect to manufacturer from future lawsuits.

One day I went to a wall-mart out of state and I went to buy a blow dryer when I read the warnings it said "DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP"

Seen on the back of a drink bottle label: "Do not peel label off."

On a Band-Aid box: "For serious injuries, seek medical attention."

On a can of powdered infant formula: "Mix with water before serving." Like I'm going to spoon it to my baby dry!

This stupid label was found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner: "Safe for carpets, too!"

This label was found on the BOTTOM of a box of glass ornaments: "Do not turn upside down."

On a box of Frosted Cheerio's, the logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."

On a plastic orange juice can: "100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate."

I once saw an ad for some type of contest on a candy bar. The wrapper said "No purchase necessary - Details Inside."

Directions for eating Lunchables Nachos: Dip chips in cheese and salsa.

The golf carts on the course I worked at have warning labels saying, "Not for highway use."

On Clorox Fresh Care: (for cleaning out odors from fabric) "Safe to use in households with pets Warning: Fresh Care is NOT intended to be sprayed directly on pets."

While working at a large medical center in the Midwest, a construction worker was admitted with a large hammer sticking out of his head. Seems he was in an altercation with another gentleman. On the side of the hammer were the words, 'Use protective eyewear.'

On the back of the Pilots seat on NATO AWAC Aircraft (E-3A), is a sign that states: "Seat must be facing forward for take off and landing."

I came upon a bottle of children's cough medicine stating "Caution: May cause drowsiness; do not drive or operate heavy machinery"

On the label of Sterno is a warning that says, "Do not use near fire or flame." Check it out!

Seen on a container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium

Seen on computer instructions: Visit our site for further instructions. http://www.pc.com/pc/instructions.htm

On a hose nozzle there was a warning that said: "Do not spray into electrical outlet."

Seen on an industrial size washer in our local laundry establishment was the (large lettered) sign: "Warning: Do not put any person in this washer."

There is also a stroller on the market with the warning, "Remove child before folding."

I saw a car ad depicting cars driving in the water with fins like sharks. At the end of the ad in small letters it read: "Caution, do not drive underwater"

xnepali

  • Guest
Stupid Things To Just Avoid Saying
« Reply #232 on: October 07, 2007, 08:45:56 AM »
If You Can't Pronounce It, Don't Try (and this means us, too):

    * "NUKE-you-ler" instead of nuclear
    * "WOOwul" instead of rural
    * "fee-NAHL-ph-THuh-leen" instead of  phenolphthalein
    * Cupola
    * Ballast
    * Subsequent
    * Debacle
    * Composite
    * Expecially
    * Idear

 Why?

    * ATM machine
    * GPS Systems
    * PIN number
    * JPL laboratories
    * NASA administration
    * ISBN number
    * TVA authority
    * ICBM missile
    * PCL language printer
    * SAM missile
    * PIF file
    * MSDS sheet
    * HIV virus
    * circumnavigate around
    * ASP Page


Don't Be Stupid, Part I

    * "meteoric rise" - meteors don't rise
    * "quantum jump" to describe a sudden radical change - quantum jumps are actually the most miniscule possible discreet jumps in a given situation
    * "UFO" - if you believe its a space ship, its identified.  In fact, if you name it t all, it has an identity.  This abbreviation is automatically self-defeating
    * "turned up missing" - did it turn up, or is it missing?
    * "I could care less" - could you care a lot less, or a little less, or a differential amount less (see "quantum jump")?  If you care the absolute minimum possible, then you COULDN'T care less.  Obviously, we could care less about language.
    * "A perk of the job" - Does this mean caffeine injections?  Or are there no newspaper editors that know what a "perq" is?
    * "Can I borrow a kleenex?" - No.  I don't want it back when you are done.  You may keep the kleenex.
    * "Motorized Cable Car" - Is it motorized, or is it a cable car?
    * "Growing shortage" - why not a shrinking overload?
    * "March for world hunger" - isn't there enough world hunger already?
    * "Literally" to emphasize something that is definitely not literal: "summer is literally just around the corner".
    * "not quite up to par"- shouldn't this be "not quite down to par"?  Correction!! "par" means 'a benchmark or goal'. It's only in golf that it's a lower limit to reach; otherwise it can be an upper limit too. Apologies for any inconvenience.

Don't Be Stupid, Part II

    * "I don't know...brown?" (don't even ask)
    * "I dreamed I was a giant number 2." (the DIGIT!)
    * "Then I took another dump."  (a friend who meant "fall" while skiing)
    * "Could I just have an inch of your stool?" - this is the worst question ever asked in a bar, no matter how innocent the intent.  Actually, no matter what the intent.

What Do These Signs Mean?

    * "Fire Restoration Service" - in case that darn fire department comes and puts one out?
    * "Disaster Restoration Service" - (see above)
    * During a snow storm in Boston, it was announced on the radio that there was "...a no parking ban."  Do you get a ticket if you don't park?
    *  "The suspect was traveling at a high rate of speed"   A rate of speed(or a rate of velocity) is a speed per time, which is acceleration. which they probably don't mean, but even if they did, why didn't they just say so?

Just Avoid, Whether They Are Real Words Or Not  (thank you to George Carlin)

    * Pap Smear
    * pianist
    * uvula
    * proctor
    * clicitrus
    * anusol
    * sprunt
    * behoove - does this mean "add hooves to"?

Just Avoid II

    * "Y2K" as a matter of principle.  Become a member of "WHA" ("we hate acronyms")
    * "Hot enough for ya?"
    * "It's not the heat, it's the humidity."
    * "Pet peeve"
    * "Working hard or hardly working?"
    * "...not bad for a Monday."
    * "Cyber"anything

Our Favorite Oxymorons

    * "discount luxury store"
    * "jumbo shrimp"
    * "military intelligence"
    * "Joe's lonely night" (you know who you are)
    * "modeling school"
    * "state worker"
    * "heavy metal song"
    * "criminal attorney"

But PLEASE, Use These

    * craptacular
    * piker
    * throttle
    * geek-asm (a joyful feeling of technological triumph)
    * poon
    * cronch
    * vacwm (instead of vacuum)
    * "xing" (meaning "want to but can't")
    * recorental, recommental
    * laminar
    * Stealth ducks
    * Imprimatur
    * defenestrate
    * spleen
    * blintzes
    * Aa
    * Yoda

These Aren't Real Words?

    * commentate
    * visitate
    * interferon


xnepali

  • Guest
How to determine if you are an engineer:
« Reply #233 on: October 07, 2007, 08:46:54 AM »
How to determine if you are an engineer:

The only jokes you receive are through email (OUCH)

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.

Buying flowers for your girlfriend/boyfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma

If you find that you have to often explain how to use the gifts you have given other people.

Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room

In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure

The Salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

You are always late to meetings

You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling

You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.

You bought your wife/husband a new CD ROM drive for her birthday

You forget to get a haircut (for 6 months!)

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting

You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines

You comment to your wife/husband that her straight hair is nice and parallel

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects

You have Dilbert comics/paphanelia displayed anywhere in your work area

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

You have more friends on the internet than in real life

You have backed up your hard drive

You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.

You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

You know what http:// stands for

You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

You see a good design and still have to change it

You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring

You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it

You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)

You window shop at Radio Shack

You're in the backseat of your car, she/he is looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite

Your checkbook always balances

Your laptop computer costs more than your car

Your wife/husband hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work

Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz pentium

You've already calculated how much you make per second

You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio

Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.Chocolate

xnepali

  • Guest
Just Funny
« Reply #234 on: October 07, 2007, 08:47:54 AM »
"Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:


M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 U.S.A.

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one."

 

Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch(tm)
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.


Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Stop shaking it.

xnepali

  • Guest
Insults
« Reply #235 on: October 07, 2007, 08:48:25 AM »

Sarcastic Remarks

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of frigging sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a frigging people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. You! Off my planet !!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like dogs too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
50. Okay, okay, I take it back! Un-Screw You!
51. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
56. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
61. This is a mean and damned cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
63. Earth is full. Go home.
64. Is it time for your medication or mine?
65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
67. I plead contemporary insanity.
68. And which dwarf are you?
69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72. It ain't the size, it's... no, I'm sorry, it really is the size.
73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!

xnepali

  • Guest
Quotes from insurance claims
« Reply #236 on: October 07, 2007, 08:48:49 AM »

Quotes from insurance claims

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

13. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

14. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly approached in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

15. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

16. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

17. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

18. I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

19. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

20. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

21. I saw a slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

22. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

23. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

uxwall

  • 50x
  • ****
  • Posts: 51
Re: Fun Facts
« Reply #237 on: July 02, 2018, 08:11:27 AM »
not so funny