Author Topic: Things To Do When You're Bored  (Read 73500 times)

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xnepali

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Things To Do When You're Bored
« on: April 18, 2007, 04:13:56 AM »
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."
They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

 

    Q:  What is your date of birth?

    A:  July fifteen.

    Q:  What year?

    A:  Every year.

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    A:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    A: I forget.

    Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How old is your son, the one living with you?

    A:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    Q:  How long has he lived with you?

    A:  Forty-five years.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

    A:  He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    Q:  And why did that upset you?

    A:  My name is Susan.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  And where was the location of the accident?

    A:  Approximately milepost 499.

    Q:  And where is milepost 499?

    A:  Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Sir, what is your IQ?

    A:  Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Did you blow your horn or anything?

    A:  After the accident?

    Q:  Before the accident.

    A:  Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

    A:  Yes, sir.

    Q:  What did she say?

    A:  What disco am I at?

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
          it until the next morning?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Did he kill you?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How many times have you committed suicide?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  And what were you doing at that time?

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  She had three children, right?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  How many were boys?

    A:  None.

    Q:  Were there any girls?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  You say the stairs went down to the basement?

    A:  Yes.

    Q:  And these stairs, did they go up also?

    --------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

    A:  I went to Europe, Sir.

    Q:  And you took your new wife?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  How was your first marriage terminated?

    A:  By death.

    Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Can you describe the individual?

    A:  He was about medium height and had a beard.

    Q:  Was this a male, or a female?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
          which I sent to your attorney?

    A:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    A:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

     ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?

    A:  Oral.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    A:  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    Q:  And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

    A:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
           autopsy.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    A:  No.

    Q:  Did you check for blood pressure?

    A:  No.

    Q:  Did you check for breathing?

    A:  No.

    Q:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
          the autopsy?

    A:  No.

    Q:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

    A:  It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Q:  You were not shot in the fracas?

    A:  No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
« Last Edit: June 06, 2007, 01:01:35 AM by nep »

gigolo

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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2007, 04:27:01 PM »
milepost wala chai damiz lagyo and tyo stairs going up and down tyo chai banayeko joke ho jasto lagyo its certainly not real tyo hindi movie ma pani vaneko cha most funny chai date of birth thiyo mero feeling ma thanks bro keep posting

xnepali

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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2007, 02:06:27 AM »
ACTUAL ENGLISH SUBTITLES USED IN FILMS MADE IN HONG KONG


1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. [sic, of course]

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough examination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

gigolo

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  • Posts: 470
Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2007, 02:57:13 AM »
chinese lang. lai direct english ma translate garda yestai suncha

xnepali

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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2007, 05:51:49 AM »


Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay

The following are actual winning analogies in the "worst
analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest

 

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaak/ch@ng by mistake.

He was as tall as a six-foot three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be burried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a drier without "Cling-Free."

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayola crayon.

xnepali

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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2007, 05:53:21 AM »
Instruction Labels on Consumer Goods

Some examples of why the human race probably has evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

 

On Sears hair dryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."

On a Swann frozen dinner:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
"Fits one head."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
"Do not turn upside down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
"Do not drive car or operate machinery."

On Nytol sleep aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On a Korean kitchen knife:
"Warning: Keep out of children."

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

xnepali

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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2007, 05:59:06 AM »
Driver's Education Exam Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

 

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

xnepali

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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2007, 05:59:47 AM »
 Excuses

The following is a collection of "actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling)" from the Office of Educational Assessment at the University of Washington.

 

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

xnepali

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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2007, 06:00:11 AM »


Newspaper Headlines

 

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

xnepali

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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #9 on: June 06, 2007, 12:53:20 AM »
Resume Quotations

The following quotations were taken from resumes and cover letters from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into writing these documents, it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people.

Resumes:

    * "I am very detail-oreinted."

    * "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

    * "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

    * "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

    * "Served as assistant sore manager."

    * "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

    * "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

    * "Special skills: Thyping."

    * "Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

    * "I can play well with others."

    * "I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

    * "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

    * "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

    * "I eat computers for lunch."

    * "I have used lots of software appilcations."

    * "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

    * "Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

    * "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

    * "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

    * "I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

    * "I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

    * "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

    * "I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."

    * "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

    * "Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

    * "My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

    * "I love dancing and throwing parties."

    * "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

    * "I am a rabid typist."

    * "Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

    * "Special Skills: Speak English."

    * "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

    * "Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

    * "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

    * "Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

    * "Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

    * "Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

    * "Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

    * "Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

    * "ONCE FOCUSED ON AN OBJECTIVE, I BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE AN UNDYING LUST FOR SUCCESS WITH ACCURACY AND EFFECIENCY."

    * "AT ONE POINT IN TIME DURING [John Doe's] 28 YEARS ON THIS PLANET, HE WAS IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT; WHICH PUT A FEW YEARS THERAPY, SOME 'ROLLERCOASTER' EMOTIONAL SOUL JOURNEYS, AND A WICKED JOB RESUME, WHICH MOST EMPLOYERS WOULD FROWN UPON, AROUND HIS PRESENT IDENTITY... TEN YEARS 'IN THE RUNNING'. HOWEVER, GIVEN THE PRESENT CASH FLOW, VIA. THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT, CONSISTENCY, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY, HAVE BEEN REALIZED AND TOUCHED UPON OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS. ALL IN ALL, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS IS GROWING NEAR END IN RESPONSE TO MY ACCUMULATED WORK HISTORY. HENCE, I SEE URGENCY, CLOSURE, SOME FEAR, STRONG DESIRE, AND MATURITY ALL WOVEN INTO THIS EXPRESSION OF ME, THE EMPLOYEE TO YOU, THE EMPLOYER."

    * "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

    * "Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

    * "My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

    * "Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

    * "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

    * "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."

    * "Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."

    * "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

    * "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

    * "Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

    * "Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."

    * "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

    * "Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

    * "Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."