Author Topic: Things To Do When You're Bored  (Read 85818 times)

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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #20 on: June 06, 2007, 12:56:07 AM »
Good Advice About Love:

    * "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -- Dick, age 7

    * "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8

    * "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7

    * "Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8

    * "Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8

    * "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8

    * "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." -- Natalie, age 9


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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #21 on: June 06, 2007, 12:56:19 AM »
What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour:

    * "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -- Craig, age 9

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":

    * "The person is thinking: 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.'" -- Michelle, age 9

    * "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it, and now they can go eat." -- Dick, age 7

Why People In Love Often Hold Hands:

    * "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." -- Gavin, age 8

    * "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- John, age 9

Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:

    * "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6

    * "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" -- Larry, age 8

    * "'I Am In Love With You Most of the Time, But Don't Bother Me When I'm With My Friends.'" -- Bob, age 9

    * "'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" -- Arnold, age 10

    * "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9

    * "'Hey, Baby, I Don't Like Girls, But I'm Willing To Forget You Are One!'" -- Will, age 7


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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #22 on: June 06, 2007, 12:56:36 AM »
Kids' Ideas About Science

Most of these quotations were gleaned from classroom discussions in 5th and 6th grade science classes.

    * "One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second."

    * "You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind."

    * "Talc is found on rocks and on babies."

    * "Isn't inertia when something is moving, then it stops moving and keeps moving?"

    * "The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down."

    * "When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."

    * "When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting."

    * "Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand."

    * "While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating."

    * "Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."

    * "South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage."

    * "Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south."

    * "A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."

    * "There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever."

    * "There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days."

    * "Lime is a green-tasting rock."

    * "Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil."

    * "Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't why you should."

    * "Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there."

    * "Some oxygen molecules help fires burn, while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother."

    * "Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers."

    * "We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."

    * "To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up."

    * "In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's."

    * "Clouds are high flying fogs."

    * "I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."

    * "Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do."

    * "Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does."

    * "Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water."

    * "We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe."

    * "Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail."

    * "Rain is saved up in cloud banks."

    * "In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes."

    * "Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man."

    * "The wind is like the air, only pushier."

    * "A blizzard is when it snows sideways."

    * "A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size."

    * "A monsoon is a French gentleman."

    * "Thunder is a rich source of loudness."

    * "Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound."

    * "It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places."

    * "Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."


  • Guest
Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #23 on: June 06, 2007, 12:56:57 AM »
Kid Quotes

Sometimes kids say things in innocence that are simply hilarious. Here's an assortment of selected quotations from kids.

Quick Quotations:

    * "I'm being haive!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave

    * "I'm not an oxymoron!" -- 7 year old

    * "TNT." -- Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word "dynamite."

    * "I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.

    * "I had to read and write six book reports." -- Girl, in an email to her friend, attempting to explain what she had to do over the summer. She later tried sending a correction, which read, "I had to read and write six books."

    * "Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent." -- 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean

    * "Do they look after the Pokemon?" -- City kid, when asked what a gamekeeper does.

    * "Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive

    * "I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.

    * "There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.

    * "Quiet!" -- 4 year old, when asked what begins with 'M' and sounds good.

    * "If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon

    * "Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.

    * "Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father

    * "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom." -- 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens

    * "How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom

    * "They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut

    * "Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.

    * "I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time." -- Fifth grader, to his class.

    * "Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.

    * "Are you kidding me?! They go together like balogna and cheese! No, wait. More like mayonnaise and bread." -- 9 year old girl, when asked if her brother and cousin hang out a lot.

    * "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." -- A young son, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers

    * "Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet." -- 3 year old son, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet

    * "Mommy, you said it would be a shot; instead it was a needle!" -- Boy, overheard at the hospital

    * "How do you put make up on your mind?" -- Girl, when told she should make up her mind.

    * "I wish someone we knew would die so we could leave them flowers." -- 6 year old girl, upon seeing flowers in a cemetery.

    * "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email." -- 4 year old girl, misquoting the Lord's Prayer

    * "Watch out, Daddy. Mommy's got her eye on you!" -- 4 year old girl, after hearing her mother telling her father that she'd take an I.O.U. for a promised restaurant dinner.

    * "I didn't look much -- I've only got little eyes!" -- 7 year old, about to be scolded for peeking at her Christmas presents. [New!]

    * "When you were my age, you was just a baby!" -- 5 year old.

    * "Why don't they just do what they did in 1899?" -- On preparing for Y2K in 1999.

    * "Daddy doesn't like that man, does he?" -- Daughter of John Cleese and Connie Booth, during the filming of the Black Knight scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

I Feel So Old:

    * "This is the biggest CD I've ever seen!" -- On first seeing a record.

    * "You know those big CDs?" -- High school student describing a record.

What We Learned From the Ice Storm of 1998:

    * "Never take your little sister to a shelter." -- 12 year old

    * "Trees aren't as strong as I thought they were." -- 11 year old

    * "Not to kid around saying timber around people." -- 12 year old

    * "Don't live in Maine." -- 13 year old

    * "I learned that if you plug your generator into your TV, VCR, or your computer, it will cause too much friction and it will blow up." -- 10 year old

    * "I didn't miss school at all. What are you talking about?" -- 15 year old

Kid Stories:
The other day my five year old grandson was lounging on my lap.

    * Him: "Poppop, you have hair in your nose."
    * Me: "Everybody has hair in their nose."
    * Him: "But you have a lot of hair in your nose."
    * Me: "Well, it's not growing on top of my head very well. I have to grow it somewhere."
    * Him: (thoughtful pause) "Do you want me to pull some of it out for you?"

I declined the offer.

In a preschool class I used to teach, we had two little girls who played every day that they were characters from classic Disney cartoons. One day I heard one calling the other "Allison." I didn't know a single Disney character named Allison, so I asked the little girl who she was today. She replied, "Allison Wonderland."

Conversation overheard at a zoo in Tasmania, where a young kid was looking at a wombat:

    * Kid: "Look Dad, dog!"
    * Dad: "No, not a dog. Remember, we talked about what this is?"
    * Kid: (thinks) "Dog!"
    * Dad: "Noooo. It starts with a 'w'."
    * Kid: "W......w......w......wdog!"

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

A high school teacher asked when surfing was popular in the USA. A cheerleader in the class said, "The 60s." The teacher asked her to be more specific, and she said, confidently, "The 1960s."

I just had an interesting conversation with my sister. She was talking about the "carcass" of a printer.

    * Me: "You mean 'cartridge'? 'Carcass' is a dead body."
    * Her: "Oh, yeah, cartridge! But a dead body is a 'cork'."
    * Me: "'Cork'? You mean 'corpse'?"
    * Her: "Uh, yeah."

I had a party a few weeks ago, and a really good friend of the family had brought some cousins, about 7 and 5 years old. The older one looked up at a guest and said:

    * Older Kid: "I bet you're 40."
    * Younger Kid: "No, he's 80!"
    * Older Kid: "85!"
    * Younger Kid: "No, he's 100!"
    * Older Kid: "He's not 100, that's when you die."

When I called home one day, my six year old son answered the phone. "Hello," he said, panting a little. I said, "Hi, Nick. Wow, you sound out of breath." He replied, "No, I have more."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

When we were trick or treating in my neighborhood, my three year old cousin came along. When we walked down the side of the street, and whenever he saw a stop sign, he made us all stop in front of it, look both ways, then continue on.

In my Sunday School class, we discussed what we would give up for Lent. One eight year old girl said she'd give up homework. I replied that the idea was to give up something she liked. She said, "But I like homework!" A seven year old boy, in the same class, said he'd give up fighting with his brother. I asked if he could give it up for so long. He said, "Well, it's only until next week, so that's ok."

I told my boys, aged 9 and 6, that I wanted to stop and get some hair coloring. My 6 year old asked what color I was getting and why. I told him that it was just to cover my gray and left it at that. They were like kids in a candy store, searching for the "perfect" color. We agreed on one, bought it, and left. That weekend, at church, a lady said she really liked the color of my hair. My 9 year old beamed and said, "Thanks, I picked it out!"

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side), put his hands up like claws, and roar. Step, step, ROAR, step step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing and was almost crying by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


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Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #24 on: June 06, 2007, 12:57:22 AM »
Exams and Papers

The following are quotes from exams and papers assigned to 7th through 12th students and, for the music section, college students. They were supplied by teachers across the nation.


    * "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

    * "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

    * "To collect fumes of suphur, hold on a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

    * "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

    * "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

    * "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

    * "The largest organ in the human body is the head."

    * "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration."

    * "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

    * "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

    * "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

    * "Germinate means to become a naturalized German."

    * "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off."

    * "A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky."

    * "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

    * "To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in."

    * "The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation."

    * "The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours."

    * "Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."

    * "We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks."

    * "The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now."

    * "English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse."

    * "People shouldn't be allowed to shoot extinct animals."

    * "Humans are more intelligent than beasts because human branes have more convulsions."

    * "If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence."

    * "A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle."


  • Guest
Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #25 on: June 06, 2007, 12:57:40 AM »

    * "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

    * "For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

    * "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

    * "For fractures: To see if the limb is broken, giggle it gently back and forth."

    * "For dust in the eye: Pull the eye down over the nose."

    * "Blood flows down one leg and back the other."

    * "When you haven't enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier."

    * "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

    * "Many women believe that an alcoholic beverage will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

    * "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."


    * "Rhode." -- An answer given to the question, "What is the only island state?"


    * "The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense."

    * "Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head."

    * "Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes."

    * "The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system."

    * "Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife dies, and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'"

    * "Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe."

    * "The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this."

    * "Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead."

    * "Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms."

    * "Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel."

    * "Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English."

    * "Bach died from 1750 to the present."

    * "Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He expired in 1827 and later died for this."

    * "[Napoleon] wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children."

    * "The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West."

    * "Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years."

    * "Queen Victoria's reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality."

    * "Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign."

    * "Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis."

    * "Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices."

    * "It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance."

    * "Without Greeks, we wouldn't have history."

    * "One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable."

    * "Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey."

    * "Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of the same name."

    * "In the Olympics Games, Greeks ran races jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java."

    * "The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands."

    * "When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men."

    * "Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks."

    * "The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled."

The Bible

    * "In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off."

    * "Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."

    * "Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."

    * "Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears."

    * "Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."

    * "Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah."

    * "Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients."

    * "The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert."

    * "Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments."

    * "The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple."

    * "The Fifth Commandment is 'Humor thy father and mother.'"

    * "The Seventh Commandment is 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'"

    * "Moses died before he ever reached Canada."

    * "Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol."

    * "The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him."

    * "David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar."

    * "David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times."

    * "Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."

    * "The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."

    * "The epistles were the wives of the apostles."

    * "St. Paul cavorted to Christianity."

    * "Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."

    * "In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony."


    * "Romeo and Juliet were a romantic couplet."


    * "The piano finishes off the piece."

    * "[Beethoven] went death but still kept on writing and producing music. He wrote one more symphony after his death."

    * "Smetana suffered the same fate as Beethoven and went death."

    * "The computer-generated sounds came in with a screeching nose."

    * "It was the most fun self-culturing experience I have endured."

    * "Shania Twain, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson." -- A student naming "three female vocal ranges, from low to high."

    * "Claude Debussy weekend the tonality."

    * "The piece continues on with shirt notes."

    * "[I was] uninterested in leaving before I could here more."

    * "The cello and harpsichord were playing in a very fast beast."

    * "Now tuba, Trump bone, and French horn play..."

    * "I enjoyed the song immensely and was pretty."

    * "It was fun to recognize the Rhonda format and predict what forms would be coming up next."

    * "It started out with all the instruments giving out a welcoming horning."

    * "[It] ends with all of them playing a short long note."

    * "The movement ends with a final foul note."

    * "The trumpets play tonged notes."

    * "I really like how they would sometimes hold their beat and jump to the other."

    * "[The group played] the Second Suite in F by Gustav Hoist."

    * "The third movement was a lower pitched, the flute as if it represented one person and the orchestra a few others, the harsh tones and the melancholy feeling that felt as the orchestra with its brass section the cymbals and the strings all expressed a very angry and vengeful melody."

    * "When the tempo got fast it got me in an exiting mood."

    * "[Meter is] how many beats may be heard before one is stressed."

    * "The melody was plaid for the most part."

    * "This piece got my attention from begging to end."

    * "The horn blowed the piano."

    * "Robert Schumann wanted to become a virtuoso but became a composer because of a disabling finger."

    * "The orchestra sounds like they [are] not worming up yet."


  • Guest
Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #26 on: June 06, 2007, 12:58:45 AM »
Warning Labels

Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.

Product Warnings:

    * "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet. [New!]

    * "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

    * "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

    * "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

    * "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

    * "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

    * "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

    * "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

    * "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

    * "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

    * "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

    * "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

    * "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

    * "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

    * "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.

    * "Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery.

    * "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

    * "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

    * "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

    * "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

    * "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

    * "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.

    * "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

    * "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

    * "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

    * "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

    * "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

    * "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

    * "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

    * "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

    * "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

    * "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

    * "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

    * "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.

    * "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

    * "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

    * "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

    * "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

    * "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.

    * "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

    * "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.

    * "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

    * "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

    * "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

    * "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

    * "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

    * "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.

    * "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

    * "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.

    * "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

    * "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

    * "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.

    * "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

    * "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

    * "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.

    * "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

    * "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

    * "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

    * "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

    * "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

    * "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

    * "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

    * "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

    * "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

    * "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

    * "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

    * "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

    * "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

    * "Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.

    * "Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."

    * "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

    * "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

    * "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

    * "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

    * "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

    * "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

    * "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

    * "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

    * "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

    * "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

    * "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

    * "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.


    * "Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.

Small Print From Commercials:

    * "Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.

    * "Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.

    * "Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.

    * "For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.

Signs and Notices:

    * "No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.

    * "Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.

    * "These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.

    * "All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.

    * "Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.

    * "Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.

    * "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.

    * "Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.

    * "Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.

    * "No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.

    * "Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs." -- A sign, correctly describing the end of a concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge.

Safety Procedures:

    * "Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.

    * "In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.


    * "Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.

    * "100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.

    * "Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
      Covering: 100% Unknown.
      Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
      -- On a pillow.


    * "Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.

    * "Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.

    * "Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.

    * "Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.

    * "Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.

    * "Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.

    * "Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.

    * "Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.

    * "In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.

    * "Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.

    * "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.


    * "Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.


  • Guest
Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #27 on: June 06, 2007, 12:59:14 AM »

Upon telling people that I am a twin, I have heard some really interesting comments. I can't tell you how many times this exchange has happened:

    * "Are you two related?"
    * "Yes, we're twins."
    * "Gosh, you look so much alike I would have thought you were sisters."

One of the stories my twin sister and I like to tell is that neither my mother nor her doctor had any idea she was going to have twins until a nurse in the delivery room looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, there's another one!"

A friend to whom I told this story remarked, "Wow! How old were you when this happened?"

Around the beginning of the school year, my sister was talking to a guy in her history class. Apparently the same guy was in my English class but didn't realize there were two of us. He came up to my sister and said, "Hi Sarah."

My sister corrected him. "No, I'm Jennifer."

He got really confused and asked, "Well, how come they call you Sarah in English class?"

If I had a nickel for every time someone pulled something like this on my sister and me....

    * Someone: "So you two are twins?"
    * My Sister and Me: "Yep."
    * Someone: "But you can't be twins! Your names don't rhyme! Her shoelaces are bigger than yours! Your clothes don't match! You weren't born at the exact same second!"
    * My Sister and Me: (sigh)

One of my favorite exchanges about being a twin happens every now and again. It goes like this:

    * "How old are you?"
    * "I'm 27."
    * "How old is your twin sister?"

I have twins that are five months old. Once I was talking to a young man, maybe 19 or 20, who looked at my babies and asked if I had two boys or two girls. I replied, "Oh, they're a boy and a girl."

"I thought they were twins?"

"They are!" I answered, and then I had to explain that, yes, this was possible. He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between fraternal and identical twins.

Finally he asked, "Are you sure?"

When I was in college, I was working for a savings and loan as a security guard at night. One evening, my identical twin brother stopped by, and one of my not-so-bright co-workers was amazed:

    * Co-Worker: "Wow, are you guys twins?"
    * Me: "Yeah."
    * Co-Worker: "How do you tell each other apart?"

He was not joking.


  • Guest
Re: things people actually said in court, word for word
« Reply #28 on: June 06, 2007, 01:00:48 AM »
Tenant Complaints

This is a collection of quotes from letters sent to a landlord from his tenants.

    * "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

    * "In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

    * "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

    * "The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?"

    * "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

    * "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

    * "Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

    * "The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

    * "Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."


  • Guest
Re: things people actually said (Starts with court).. word to word
« Reply #29 on: June 06, 2007, 01:02:25 AM »
Classified Ads

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

    * "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."

    * "2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."

    * "Washing machine: free to good home."

    * "No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."

    * "Great Dames for sale."

    * "Lost Cocktail."

    * "Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

    * "German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."

    * "Free ducks. You catch."

    * "1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"

    * "Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."

    * "Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

    * "2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"

    * "For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"

    * "Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"

    * "Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"

    * "Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

    * "Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

    * "Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."

    * "Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

    * "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"

    * "Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."

    * "Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

    * "This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."

    * "Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."

    * "Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."

    * "Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

    * "Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."

    * "Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."

    * "Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."

    * "Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."

    * "A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."

    * "Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

    * "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."

    * "His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."

    * "For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

    * "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

    * "Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."

    * "We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."

    * "We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

    * "Tattoos done while you wait."

    * "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

    * "Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

    * "If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."

    * "Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."

    * "Stock up and save. Limit: one."

    * "For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."

    * "Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."

    * "TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."

    * "This house has been fully insulted."

    * "Man, honest. Will take anything."

    * "Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

    * "Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

    * "3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."

    * "Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

    * "Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."

    * "Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

    * "Illiterate? Write today for free help."

    * "Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."

    * "Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

    * "Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."

    * "And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."

    * "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."