Author Topic: Things To Do When You're Bored  (Read 75790 times)

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xnepali

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Re: things people actually said (Starts with court).. word to word
« Reply #30 on: June 06, 2007, 01:04:10 AM »
News Reports

We normally expect news services to be precise and professional. It makes slip-ups all the more amusing.

Headlines:

    * "Slain Doctor Worried About His Death" -- In a local paper in Canada.

    * "Public Inquiry To Be Launched Into Avalanche" -- A front page headline in the National Post.

    * "Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" -- In a local paper.

    * "Ministry Probes Dead Fish" -- In a local paper in Canada.

    * "Nixon Beneath the Surface" -- The headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.

    * "Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.

    * "Flawless Take-Off Marred By Hitch" -- A headline in a New Zealand paper.

    * "Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" -- In a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.

    * "Women Look Good" -- In a Canadian newspaper, referring to the women's curling team during the 1998 Winter Olympics.

    * "Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use" -- A local newspaper of a suburb of Toronto, describing a committee set up by the board of education and the local municipality to investigate marijuana use among high school students.

    * "Church Plan Upsets Brothel" -- Adelaide Advertiser, October 23, 2000

    * "Man Died of Natural Causes" -- Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000

    * "School Praised After Vandalism" -- West Briton, November 9, 2000

    * "Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" -- Independent, November 19, 2000

    * "Rise of 'Mutants' Leaves France a Divided Nation" -- Times, November 21, 2000

    * "Pepsi To Increase Recycled Content In Products." -- The headline of an article in Plastics news about Pepsico increasing the amount of recycled plastic in their bottles.

News Articles:

    * "The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." -- From a New Zealand paper.

    * "Although as a rider and breeder she has won countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional beating." -- From a New Zealand paper.

    * "'It's a sad and tragic fact that, if you're a farmer, you are three times more likely to die than the average New Zealander,' he said. The rate was even worse for farm workers." -- From a New Zealand paper.

    * "Latest census figures show that more than one New Zealander is a Maori or Polynesian." -- A New Zealand paper's cautious yet accurate report.

    * "Visitors to the sandspit are advised that there is a prohibited area near the groin." -- From a New Zealand paper.

    * "However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." -- From a New Zealand paper.

    * "The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." -- From a Sydney, Australia, paper.

    * "'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex." -- From an IGN game review.

Radio News:

    * "There's an overturned tractor-trailer heading north on Route 93." -- Report in a radio station's morning traffic update.

    * "Seasonal weather for the time of year." -- Radio weather report.

Televised Reports:

    * "Susan, things are washing up on the shore that have never seen the light of day in a long time." -- From a local news report on the aftereffects of 1989's Hurricane Hugo.

    * "The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." -- A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.

    * "Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving." -- From a local news cast.

    * "Today Lesbian forces invaded...no, sorry, that should be Lesbianese." -- From a news report in UK, on a Lebanese conflict.

Online News:

    * "Today marks the 25th anniversary of the Vietnam War." -- From abcnews.com, April 30, 2000. Revisionist history strikes again; now the war only lasted one day.

News Ads:

    * "Panda lovers were saddened to hear that the world's oldest panda passed away today. We'll give you the reason for his death tonight at nine." -- From a nightly local news ad.

    * "Local construction is making it hazardous to drive in some areas of our city. We'll tell you which to avoid on the way home on news tonight at 9:30." -- From a nightly local news ad on the radio.

Corrections:

    * "Due to a typing error, Gov Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson." -- Correction in a Massachusetts newspaper.

Events:

    * "March 18: Outdoor Adventure Series: Indoor Rock Climbing" -- In a school's newsletter.

Horoscopes:

    * "Cancer, June 22-July 23. Your home life could be chaotic. Some moments of solitude and medication can help you get through the day."

Sports Announcing:

    * "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." -- Channel 4 news

    * "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." -- Grandstand, BBC1

    * "Well, I guess we can see that Ralph isn't a left-handed hooker." -- Sportscaster, after Ralph Sampson missed a left-handed hook shot.

    * "It's an island because it's surrounded by land. I mean water. Islands are surrounded by water, and that affects them." -- A TV commentator for America's Cup racing.

    * "And the name of that country really tells you exactly where these guys are from." -- A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics opening ceremonies.

    * "And there's Bill Gates, the...most...famous...man in the...ah...Microsoft." -- A TV commentator for the 2000 Olympics.

    * "The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the infield. This is a terrible day for the Padres!" -- A San Diego Padres announcer.

Interviews:

    * "Am I cold? Why do you think I'm sitting here under these two Africans?" -- An elderly lady, incredulously, during a televised interview at her home.

    * "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" -- Simon Fanshawe, during a Metro Radio Interview, when a listener said, "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."

    * "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?" -- A talk radio interviewer, questioning a 15-year old eyewitness to a head-on train collision. The answer he gave was, "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."

xnepali

  • Guest
H2O: Dangerous Chemical!
« Reply #31 on: August 18, 2007, 02:11:16 AM »
H2O: Dangerous Chemical!
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

   1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
   2. it is a major component in acid rain
   3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
   4. accidental inhalation can kill you
   5. it contributes to erosion
   6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
   7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

    * Forty-three (43) said yes,
    * six (6) were undecided,
    * and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

xnepali

  • Guest
European English
« Reply #32 on: August 18, 2007, 03:33:42 AM »

xnepali

  • Guest
Things To Do When You're Bored
« Reply #33 on: August 18, 2007, 03:57:51 AM »
Answers To 5 Of The Toughest Questions Women Ask

 

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy,
 according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
 
 The five questions are:
 
   1 -  "What are you thinking?"
   2 -  "Do you love me?"
   3 -  "Do I look fat?"
   4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
   5 -  "What would you do if I died?"
 
 What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
 explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
 answered properly, which is to say dishonestly.  For example:
 
 1 -  "What are you thinking?"  The proper answer to this question, of
 course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just
 reflecting  on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,
 beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
 Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the
 guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five
 things:
 
          a -  Football
          b -  Baseball
          c -  How fat you are.
          d -  How much prettier she is than you.
          e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
 
 According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
 came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was
 asked it by his wife, Peg.  "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be
 talking instead of thinking."
 
 The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
 
 2 -  "Do you love me?"  The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."
 For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer,
 "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
 
          a -  I suppose so.
          b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
          c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
          d -  Does it matter?
          e -  Who, me?
 
 3 -  "Do I look fat?"  The correct male response to this question is to
 confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
 quickly leave the room.  Wrong answers include:
 
          a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin
               either.
          b -  Compared to what?
          c -  A little extra weight looks good on you.
          d -  I've seen fatter.
          e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about
               your insurance policy.
 
 4 -  "Do you think she's prettier than me?"  The "she" in the question
 could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that
 you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just
 saw.  In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
 prettier."  Wrong answers include:
 
           a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
           b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
           c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
           d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
           e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about
                your insurance policy.
 
 5 -  "What would you do if I died?"  Correct answer:  "Dearest love, in
 the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for
 me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first
 Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."  This might be the stupidest
 question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
 
     "Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"
     "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
     "Why do you ask such a question?"
     "Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife. "No,
     of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't
     you like being married?" said the wife. "Of
     course I do, dear" he said.
     "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
     "All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
     "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
     "Yes" said the husband.
     "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
         long pause.
     "Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.
     "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her
         wear my old clothes?"
     "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
     "Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the
         pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
     "Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."
     "Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I suppose
         you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
     "Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She's left-handed."

xnepali

  • Guest
Google hiring? .. Job ad.
« Reply #34 on: August 18, 2007, 04:05:09 AM »

xnepali

  • Guest
Things To Do When You're Bored
« Reply #35 on: August 18, 2007, 08:35:42 PM »
Things To Do When You're Bored

This List Includes:

    * Things you can do with absolutely nothing
    * Things you can do with very little
    * Things you can do with another person

The amusement potential for each activity is denoted.
Things you can do with absolutely nothing

# Push your eyes for interesting light show
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things-is your subconscience trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV?

# See how long you can hold your breath
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes)
Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly).

# Try to not think about polar bears
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

# Scratch yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

# Hurt yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

# Try to swallow your tongue
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.

# Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

# Get yourself as nauseated as possible
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").
Things you can do with very little

# See what's in your neighbor's trash
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes)
You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

# Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

# Call up people who write editorials you disagree with
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes)
I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.

# Make prank phone calls
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes)
Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonalds, try to make reservations.

# Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes)
What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

# Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and...AHHHHHH!!!!!

# Burn things with a magnifying glass
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes)
Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
Things you can do with another person

# Have a water drinking contest
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

# Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment-does this really work?

# Have a "Who is less competitive" competition
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

# Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes)
Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

# Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

# Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes)
Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

xnepali

  • Guest
100 Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
« Reply #36 on: August 18, 2007, 08:37:23 PM »
100 Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate

   1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
   2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
   3. Twitch a lot.
   4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
   5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
   6. Become a subgenius.
   7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
   8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
   9. Speak in tongues.
  10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start out subtle. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
  11. Walk and talk backwards.
  12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
  13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
  14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
  15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
  16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
  17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
  18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
  19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
  20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
  21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
  22. Eat glass.
  23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
  24. Smile. All the time.
  25. Collect dog sh*t in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
  26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
  27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
  28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
  29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
  30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
  31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
  32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
  33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
  34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
  35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
  36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
  37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
  38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
  39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
  40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
  41. Shave one eyebrow.
  42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
  43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
  44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
  45. Always flush the toilet three times.
  46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
  47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
  48. Give him/her an allowance.
  49. Listen to radio static.
  50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
  51. Cry a lot.
  52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
  53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
  54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
  55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
  56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
  57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
  58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
  59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
  60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
  61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
  62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
  63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
  64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
  65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
  66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
  67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
  68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
  69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
  70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
  71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
  72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
  73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
  74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
  75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
  76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
  77. Skip to the bathroom.
  78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
  79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
  80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
  81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find them.
  82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
  83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
  84. Use a bible as Kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God Damnit.
  85. Burn incense.
  86. Eat moths.
  87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that it died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
  88. Collect Chia-Pets.
  89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
  90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
  91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
  92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
  93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
  94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
  95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.
  96. Don't ever flush.
  97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
  98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
  99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
 100. Dress in drag.

xnepali

  • Guest
50 Fun Things for Professors to do on the First Day
« Reply #37 on: August 18, 2007, 08:37:47 PM »
50 Fun Things for Professors to do on the First Day

-- by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

   1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
   2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
   3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
   4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
   5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
   6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
   7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
   8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
   9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
  10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
  11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
  12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
  13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
  14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
  15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
  16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
  17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
  18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
  19. Address students as "worm".
  20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
  21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
  22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
  23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
  24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
  25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
  26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
  27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
  28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
  29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
  30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
  31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
  32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
  33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
  34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
  35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
  36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
  37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
  38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
  39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
  40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
  41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
  42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
  43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
  44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
  45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
  46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
  47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
  48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
  49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
  50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

xnepali

  • Guest
Things to Keep In Mind
« Reply #38 on: August 18, 2007, 08:38:14 PM »
Things to Keep In Mind

    * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
    * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
    * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
    * Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
    * Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
    * ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
    * A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
    * For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
    * I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
    * The beatings will continue until morale improves.
    * I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
    * Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
    * Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
    * Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
    * There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
    * I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
    * Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    * A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
    * I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
    * Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
    * If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
    * Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
    * Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
    * If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
    * If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
    * If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
    * Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
    * It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
    * Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
    * Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
    * Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
    * Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
    * Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
    * Do witches run spell checkers?
    * Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
    * Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
    * Dain bramaged.
    * Department of Redundancy Department
    * Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
    * What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
    * Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
    * COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
    * Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
    * 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
    * Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
    * Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
    * My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
    * C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
    * C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
    * Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
    * The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
    * BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
    * The name is Baud......, James Baud.
    * BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
    * Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
    * C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
    * Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
    * Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
    * As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
    * Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
    * Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
    * E Pluribus Modem
    * ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
    * Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
    * A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
    * An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
    * CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
    * Does fuzzy logic tickle?
    * A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
    * 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
    * 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
    * Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
    * Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
    * SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
    * Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
    * Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
    * RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
    * Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
    * All computers wait at the same speed.
    * DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
    * Press -- to continue ...
    * Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
    * Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
    * ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
    * E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
    * Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
    * All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
    * Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
    * "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
    * DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
    * Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
    * Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
    * Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
    * Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
    * REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
    * Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
    * Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
    * Read my chips: No new upgrades!
    * Hit any user to continue.
    * 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
    * I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
    * Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
    * Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
    * Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
    * Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
    * (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
    * (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
    * If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
    * Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
    * Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
    * "Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."


xnepali

  • Guest
All I Needed to Know About Life I Learned From a Cow
« Reply #39 on: August 18, 2007, 08:38:41 PM »
All I Needed to Know About Life I Learned From a Cow

   1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
   2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
   3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
   4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
   5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
   6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
   7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
   8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
   9. Never take any bull from anybody.
  10. Always let them know who's the bossy.
  11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
  12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
  13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.