Author Topic: Things To Do When You're Bored  (Read 75968 times)

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xnepali

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Nose Picking Glossary
« Reply #40 on: August 18, 2007, 08:39:15 PM »
Nose Picking Glossary

THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTOPICK...The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS...Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE...When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL...No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK...Ditto.

PICK AND STICK...You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAYDIRT...The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

xnepali

  • Guest
I Am the Most...
« Reply #41 on: August 18, 2007, 08:39:47 PM »
I Am the Most...

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"

xnepali

  • Guest
Bill (According to Dr. Seuss)
« Reply #42 on: August 18, 2007, 08:40:25 PM »
Bill (According to Dr. Seuss)
President Clinton's Deposition
by Dr. Seuss

I'm here to ask,
As you'll soon see...
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there...
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far...
I did not do that
Starr-you-are!

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
The girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-you-are...
I think that you
Have gone too far!
I will not answer
Any more...
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public's easy
To distract
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

xnepali

  • Guest
Old Fashioned Manners Cause Confusion
« Reply #43 on: August 18, 2007, 08:40:56 PM »
Old Fashioned Manners Cause Confusion

An older lady of the elegant and very proper type and her husband were planning a vacation in Florida, and planned to stay in a RV campground.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about toilet facilities. She couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term, "bathroom commode".

But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom-commode simply as "the B.C." "Does the campground have it's own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. The "B.C." business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, and they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So, after coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, the owner sat down and wrote the following reply.

"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure of informing you that a B.C is located nine miles North of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful grove of pines and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband at the B.C.

"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand the whole time we were there. Sometimes it is so crowded there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.

"I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

"If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to have a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Please remember, ours is a very friendly community."

(copied out of Thousand Trails travel magazine)

xnepali

  • Guest
You Know You Are Asian If...
« Reply #44 on: August 18, 2007, 08:41:32 PM »
You Know You Are Asian If...

   1. your mother has a short-haired, curly perm
   2. your dad is some sort of engineer
   3. your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
   4. you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're till lecturing
   5. you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
   6. you shop 99 Ranch
   7. everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ncestors were from
   8. you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.
   9. your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
  10. you've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library.
  11. your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."
  12. you drive mostly Japanese cars.
  13. you've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
  14. you've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.
  15. at least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say . . . "
  16. you know what bok choy is
  17. you've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.
  18. piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors.
  19. you hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you. (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!).
  20. you have NO eyelashes.
  21. idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc . . .
  22. your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
  23. the Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner
  24. your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.
  25. at least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses
  26. your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more."
  27. your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian.
  28. an Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?"
  29. your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
  30. your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"
  31. everyone thinks you're good at math.
  32. your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's"
  33. you like $1.75 movies
  34. you like $1.50 movies even more.
  35. your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green.
  36. your parents insist you marry within your race.
  37. you never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food.
  38. you either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it.
  39. your parents have never kissed you
  40. your parents have never kissed each other
  41. you learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents
  42. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"
  43. people see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate.
  44. you have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle."
  45. you have 12+ aunts and uncles
  46. at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert.
  47. your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It's still good."
  48. the vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.
  49. you will most likely be taller than your parents.
  50. your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both.
  51. you get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't
  52. when going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift.
  53. your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
  54. your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both.
  55. your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e., Michael Chang)
  56. the furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.
  57. you have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine.
  58. you own a rice cooker or two
  59. you buy soy sauce by the gallon.
  60. your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
  61. your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going.
  62. your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come."

xnepali

  • Guest
1800 Taglines
« Reply #45 on: August 18, 2007, 08:43:05 PM »
1800 Taglines

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates '81
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
"Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg.
"C++" should have been called "D"
"COINCIDENCE" happens.
"Company's coming," Tom guessed.
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."
"I hate Victor Hugo", said Les miserably.
"I just ate a fishing lure," said Tom with baited breat
"I'll have the dark bread," said Tom wryly.
"I'm looking for Mr. Dover, first name Ben.."
"I've lost my flower," said Tom lackadaisically.
"I've struck oil!" Tom gushed.
"If the shoe fits, buy it."  Imelda Marcos
"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
"Keyboard?  How quaint!" - Scotty
"Lets visit the tomb," said Tom cryptically.
"Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally.
"Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" - Obi Wan Gates
"My stereo's half fixed," said Tom monotonously.
"Please return stewardess to original upright position"
"Ships ahoy!" yelled Tom fleetingly.
"Stupid" is a boundless concept.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
"That makes 144," said Tom grossly.
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein
"The maid has the night off," said Tom helplessly.
"This meat is hard to chew," Tom beefed jerkily.
"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00"
"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda-
"Vote for Perot" - Bumper sticker attached with velcro.
#include SWEEPING_GENERALITY.h
$$$ not found --  (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt

xnepali

  • Guest
Re: 1800 Taglines
« Reply #46 on: August 18, 2007, 08:43:26 PM »
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)*ckup completely?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
(C)1992 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax.
(D)inner not ready:  (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
(You can have your cake) XOR (You can eat your cake)
(c) Copywight 1992 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.
And if one bad cluster should accidentally fail...
.ASM programmers drive stick shifts.
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can
1 + 1 = ?  Ask my calculator.
1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!
11 was a race-horse, 22 was 12. When 1111 race, 22112.
1200 bps used to seem so fast
186,000/mps.  It's not just a good idea.  It's the law.
1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts
2 + 2 = 4 (for the time being).
2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficently large values of 2)
2B, or not 2B, or should I use a biro.
3 dreaded words when making love: Is that it?
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr...
5 schizophrenics agree!
668 - Neighbor of the Beast
69 is fine...but 77'll get me 8 more...
9 out of 10 dentists recommend oral sex....

xnepali

  • Guest
Re: 1800 Taglines
« Reply #47 on: August 18, 2007, 08:43:41 PM »

xnepali

  • Guest
Re: 1800 Taglines
« Reply #48 on: August 18, 2007, 08:44:01 PM »
Bald: follicularly challenged.
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers
Black Holes are Out of Sight
Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups!
Bliss *IS* ignorance
Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bonking with Barbie..
Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencys.
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage.
Born Again Virgin.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Brain disfunction detected....
Brain over - Insert coin
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Breast size multiplied by IQ always equals 69
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Britannia waives the rules.
Bug off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Bugger me with a fish fork..
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Bugs, like coathangers, breed if unobserved.
Building Contractors, not to be confused with homemakers
Bullets speak louder than reason.
Bullsh*t makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
Bumper sticker on a hearse:  I'd rather be breathing
Bungee Jumper? Catch you on the rebound.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise
Bus error (Passengers dumped)
Bush wears a hat so he knows which end to wipe!
But my little voice TOLD me to do it!
But soft, what light through yonder tagline breaks?
But then again, I like cold toilet seats.
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
Buy Land Now.  It's Not Being Made Any More.

xnepali

  • Guest
Re: 1800 Taglines
« Reply #49 on: August 18, 2007, 08:44:18 PM »
C programmer run C programmer crash C programmer quit
CCITT: Can't Certify I Trust Telecom.
CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
CD-WOM, Wead Onwy Memowy.
CEO of Dementia and Other Meaningless Entities.
CHIP:  One California hi-way patrolman.
CODING:  AN addictive Drug.
COMMAND:  A suggestion made to a computer.
CRASH:  Normal termination.
CRIME CONTROL: Fire a warning shot into his HEART!
CYCLIC REDUNDANCY CHECK: Stocktaking at a Bike shop
California raisins murdered: Cereal Killer suspected
Call The Bates Motel BBS: 1-800-BIG-NIFE
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Can you find the mispelled word in hear?
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Can you say "Pervert", I thought you could.
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5.
Card-carrying member of the cultural elite.
Castration takes balls.
Catholic girls, they never confess.
Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground.
Caution:  Contents under pressure
Caution:  Hungry Dieter   May bite if provoked
Caveat emptor, no deposit no return, do not remove.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Chernobyl used MACs
Chicken heads are the chief food of captive alligators.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Choosy perverts choose GIF.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Christians do it with grace
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
Civilization - biggest syntax error in history!
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
Clean mind, clean body:  take your pick.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Climate is what you expect.  Weather is what you get.
Clinton is one Bill, George Bush can't veto...
Clones are people two.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Closed Hearing for the Caption Impaired...
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Asprin.
Cocaine isn't what it is cracked up to be.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Come back ya pansie! I'll bite yer legs off!
Coming Soon!!  Mouse Support for Edlin!!
Coming soon: Netware for the Nintendo!
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
Common sense isn't...
Communism is like a mouth on a lollipop
Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
Computational Physicist and all around nice guy.
Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
Computers All Wait at the Same Speed!
Computers Rule 01001111 01001011
Computers are useless; they can only give answers.
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
Condense soup, not books!
Condom - external storage
Condominiums are not effective birth control.
Conformity obstructs progress.
Confucious say: Those who quote me are fools.
Confucious say: Man who meows ate pussy!
Confucious say: Man with no legs bums around.
Confucius say too much.
Confucious say: I didn't say that!
Confuse People:  Quote from the wrong message!
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Consolations, Consultations, Conflagrations.
Conspiracy: the opiate of the asses
Converse with any plankton lately?
Copyright the Intergalactic Thought Association
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Couldn't myself have better it said.
Count Dracula - your Bloody Mary is ready...
Cover your stump before you hump.
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Crime wouldn't pay if the Government ran it.
Cunnilingus is a real tongue twister!