Author Topic: BEST 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME  (Read 17011 times)

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Xteam

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BEST 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
« on: July 09, 2007, 08:42:32 PM »
? KNOWING YOURSELF

Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

? WHO YOU TRUST

There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.



? GRATEFUL

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.



? WASTING YOUR TIME

Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.



?YOUR SMILE

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.



? YOU CAN'T...

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.



? BEAUTIFUL MOON

I look at the moon, the moon is beautiful... I look at you.. I.. I... I'd rather look at the moon again.. Wink



? TYPE OF EGGS

There r 6 types eggs. Chicken egg = ji dan, Duck egg = ya dan, Bomb = zha dan, Person readin dis = hun dan, if u r smilin nw = chun dan & if angry = ben dan.



? VALUE OF LIFE

The value of life does not depend on the length of time on this Earth but rather on the amount of love given and shared to the people we care about.



? MEN!

Mental anxiety, Mental breakdowns, Menstrual cramps, Menopause... Did you ever notice how all problems begin with MEN!



? FRIENDSHIP MEANS...

I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha



? HEARTBREAKS

Heartbreaks will last as long as you want and Cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

xnepali

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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2007, 06:52:34 AM »
.... funny!

xnepali

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BEST 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2007, 07:44:41 PM »
1      A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
     Every 10 sec a
     woman gives birth to a kid.
     A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
     
2     Sardar-why r all these people running?
     Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
     Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r
     others running?
     
3    Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
     into future tense.
     Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".
     
4    Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was
     not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary
     Expected".
     After much thought he wrote: Yes!
     
5    Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant
     it's already raining. Sardar: So what? Take an
     umbrella and go.
     
6    Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer
     gave 11cr after
     deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else
     return my 20 Rs
     back.
     
7    Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
     Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
     posted it....
     
8    Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died
     peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the
     passengers in the
     car he was driving..
     
9    Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
     looking thing is
     what you call modern art ?
     Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
     
10    Sardar was writing something very slowly.
     Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
     Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.
     
11     Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local
     sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still
     digging for more..
     
12     A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not
     in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".
     
13    Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
     Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
     Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
     Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
     
14    Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
     and lighten your burden.
     Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
     troubles.
     Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
     
15    Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
     give up my seat to a lady.
     Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
     Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
     
16     A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if
     my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly,
     "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
     
17     Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
     Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
     
18     A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
     My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said
     another.
     Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
     
19     Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
     Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
     Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
     Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
     Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
     
20    Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
     It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
     
21     What is a girl friend?
     Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
     
22    Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
     waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
     supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
     Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
     Falls?"
     
     
23    Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
     If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
     The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
     The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
     Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
     The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
     "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
     To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
     
24    As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
     Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
     "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please  be careful!"
     "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
     
25    Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
     For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
     
26     What's the definition of lawyer?
     The larval form of a politician
     
27     Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
     
28    How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
     He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
     
29    once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on          other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the 
      weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
     
30    Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar,  where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours.
     After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up  his mother to expect him in the evening. But  he didn't reach in the evening  and not the next day either. "
     When he finally reached home on the third day,  his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?
     (What Happened, My Son?)
     
     
31    The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, )
      aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They  have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!
     
32    Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens .
     because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died
     'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'
     
33    2 Dost Suicide karne gae, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari
     nafrat de Pareshani de Duk de!" Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha
     hai ki Reliance mai Job.
     
34    Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
     A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other
     ensures U
     Continue to do so.
     
35    Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne
     Flag
     Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.
     
36    .How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard &
     comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo
     ta ra ra.
     
37    A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess
     what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.
     
38    Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
     Husband : Nothing.
     Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
     hour ...?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
     
39    Papa : beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character
     thik ho jaaega.....Beta : Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya
     hoga....???
     
40     Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? biwi: Oji Car ki
     break
     fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
     
41    Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a
     Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher
     Studies
     Yaar...!!!
     
42    Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
     Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
     Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
     Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!
     

43    Wife : Do you want dinner?
     Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
     Wife : Yes and no.
     
44    Man : How old is your father?
     Boy : As old as me.
     Man : How can that be?
     Boy : He became a father only when I was born
     
     
45    Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
     field"
     Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
     Teacher : How?
     Student : Ladies first.
     
46    Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
     Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
     Customer : I bet you, it won't.
     Post Master : Why not?
     Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
     
47    1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
     2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
     1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
     
48    Man before Marriage I like Airtel...."Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan"
     After Marriage He's Like Hutch... " Where R U Go Our Network
     Follows."
     
49    Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
     Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey.
     Santa : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!!
     gaya... aur main...SWARGWASI. ..
     
50    They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
     love; after marriage it is self-defense

r1p2b6

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Re: BEST 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2008, 03:27:54 PM »
:d
r1p2b6

r1p2b6

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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2008, 03:32:09 PM »
:d
r1p2b6

meeleend

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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2008, 05:40:51 PM »
Nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :d
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Xteam

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Re: Decent Jokes
« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2008, 08:44:21 PM »
Thank you for replying guys...

Xteam

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few jokes for you
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2008, 01:21:08 PM »
After the shameful defeat of pakistani cricket team with india in 03 worldcup at south africa, the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.

Inzmam could not resist for too long to be in hometown and still not be able to go out shopping and have fun. So he disguises himself as a Sardar and goes out. he meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him "Hi Imzmam !"

Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as a muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet same again - the same woman greets him "Hi Inzmam!".

Inzmam comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain - the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Inzmam!". Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How did you recongise me?"

The lady replied - "I am Sohib Aktar!"

****************************************************************

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks.

The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the driver was caught He was found to be a Sardar.

He was questioned.

He explained that there was a man standing on the track and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc .

Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger.

You should have run over that person

Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.

************************************************************* *****

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on Ass."

********************************************************************

A man went to a doctor to treat his baldness. The man didn't had a single hair on his head. The doctor told him there are three ways before you.

1. Try acupuncture...It will be painful and I can't guarantee you 100% satisfaction.

2. Try Homoeopathy...That too may not work for this 'great head'.

3. This method is the surest one...Apply female secretions on your head, definitely you will get rid of your problem."

Satisfied, he was about to go and then he noticed that the doctor is also having a 'mirror head'.

He asked the doc ,"why don't you try this method?"

Doctor snorted, "I may not have hair on my head, but can't you see that I am having a hell of moustache...!!!

Xteam

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Re: few jokes for you
« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2008, 01:21:41 PM »
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

*******************************************************************

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

*******************************************************************

An International Cat Race was held.Qualified cats from all over the world were on the track. Race started and amazingly Ethopian Cat won.... made everyone surprised.

News Reporter rushed to the cat and asked him..
How did you make yourself so fit to win the race? Your country's economic is so bad that human don't have enough food to eat, how did you manage to get all your need for the race?

The winner replied I wanna talk to u in private if u really insist to know my talent. The winner asked him to turn off the Camera, took the reporter aside and said 'Well my friend don't say this to anyone but I'm not a cat, I'm a Cheetah from Ethopia but my country doesn't have a adequate supply of food, I've not eaten from long time so I look like a cat."

Xteam

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Re: few jokes for you
« Reply #9 on: June 26, 2008, 01:22:11 PM »
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

********************************************************************

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."