Author Topic: Top 59 Useless Facts  (Read 51674 times)

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xnepali

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Top 59 Useless Facts
« on: July 24, 2007, 03:29:51 AM »

xnepali

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« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2007, 03:30:16 AM »

xnepali

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Prison vs. Work
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2007, 03:32:05 AM »

xnepali

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Quotes
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2007, 08:10:41 PM »
"Britain is not an island...well, yes it is, but..."

            - Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4
            - from Mark Saxby (Reading, England)

"The President continues to surprise people, so I am not surprised
to be surprised."

            - US Secy of Defense Dick Cheney
            - from Mark Wiersbeck (Minneapolis, MN, USA)

"President Bush is due to address the nation in approximately 20
minutes precisely."

            - Peter Jennings, ABC News
            - from Roger Allen (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
around, unlike  fixed launchers."

            - Katie Coucik, NBC News
            - from Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will resume in
a moment."

            - Tom Brokaw, NBC News
            - from Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)

"We have good reason to believe he was stabbed.  There was a sharp
object sticking out of his chest".

            - Lt. R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Dept,
              cited in National Lampoon calendar
            - from Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)

"The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
at the park because people are leaving their butts on the beach."

            - Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
            - from Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)

"Men between the ages of 18 and 25 must register for the draft on
their 18th birthday."

            - Sign in a US Post Office
            - from Bruce Stadler (Dallas, TX, USA)

"This door must not be opened under any circumstances."

            - Sign outside a fire exit in a hotel
            - from C. N. Kumar (Karnaraka, India)

"We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised."

            - Unidentified general officer, re: Gulf war.
            - from Thierry Ciot (Valbonne, France)

"Yo-Yo Ma and Bobby McFerrin together again for the first time."

            - Ellen Kushner on "Caravan", WGBH radio,
              Boston
            - from Roger Goun (Nashua, NH, USA)

"It is mandatory that tenderers provide proof that the specified 
performance requirements are likely to be achieved by the proposed
system."

            - Request for Quotation from unidentified
              prospective client
            - from Kass Antanaitis (Canberra, Australia)

"President Union will address the nation on the state of the Bush."

            _ Hampton Pearson, news reporter, WBZ TV
            - from Paul Poznick (Andover, MA, USA)

"Although some functional managers had heard of RISC, virtually
none had heard of RISC"

            - Digital Marketing Study
            - from Ken Berkun (Hong Kong)

"Sir James Spicer...has officially opened a lavatory at the Piddle
Valley First School near Dorchester."

            - VNS #2244 Main News, 23 Jan 90
            - from Dick Binder (Nashua, NH, USA)

"Tensions in Latvia...are tense..."

            - WBZ Radio, Boston, 21 Jan 91, news
            - from Gunar Zagars (Andover, MA, USA)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

            -- Miss Alabama in the 1994
            -- Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

            -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
            -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
            -- Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

            -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country,"

            -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."

            -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release
            -- of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it."

            -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians
were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

            -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

            -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."

            -- Unknown.  This has been attributed to:
            Al Gore, Vice President
            Dan Quayle, Vice President
            George W. Bush, Texas Governer

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

            -- Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"

            -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

            -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

            -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."

            -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."

            -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

            -- Unknown.  This has been attributed to:
            Al Gore, Bill Clinton, George Bush
            (Sr. and Jr.), and Dan Quayle

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

            -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

            -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances."

            -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

            -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

From GNU jokes

xnepali

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Ladies VS real women
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2007, 05:58:10 AM »
 Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you
will eat it and I don't  care how bad it tastes."

*************************************************************
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?
*************************************************************
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow! In the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake. You are probably lying your ass on the couch, with your
feet up anyway.
*************************************************************
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry
about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

*************************************************************
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside
of the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate  the sonofabitch
for you.

*************************************************************
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.


Real Women - Go ask the very  HOT  neighbor guy to do it.

*************************************************************
And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??

************************************************************
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

xnepali

  • Guest
PROUD DADS
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2007, 05:58:44 AM »
PROUD DADS

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee a few minutes later. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

xnepali

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Dilbert's Rules Of Order
« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2007, 05:59:47 AM »
Dilbert's Rules Of Order

I can only please one person per day.

Today is not your day. Tomorrow does not look good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

 Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
My reality check bounced.

Everybody is someone else's weirdo.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable.. if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
If it wasn't for the last minute .. nothing would get done.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I poured spot remover over my dog, now he's gone.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Energizer Bunny was arrested, charged with battery.

I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

****************

xnepali

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HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2007, 06:00:28 AM »
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

01. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

02. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

03. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.

04. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

05. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

06. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 07. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 08. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 09. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply Whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 12. Ring fire department to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
 cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough  about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

 14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


 HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL

 01. Wrap it in bacon.

xnepali

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Answering Machine (at a Mental Hospital)
« Reply #8 on: August 11, 2007, 06:01:25 AM »
Answering Machine (at a Mental Hospital)



"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2
for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4,
5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want.

Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small
voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter
which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with
the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name,
address, telephone number, date of birth, social
security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder,
s-l-o-w-l-y & >c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message
after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All
operators are too busy to talk to you."

xnepali

  • Guest
When God created Canada
« Reply #9 on: August 11, 2007, 06:02:12 AM »
When God created Canada

God went missing for 6 days. Michael the Archangel found God resting on the 7th day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it EARTH and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor, the Middle East over-there will be a hot spot. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. "

The Archangel impressed by God's work, and then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "That's Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance?"  God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."