Author Topic: Top 59 Useless Facts  (Read 60417 times)

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xnepali

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I will be always there for you
« Reply #30 on: January 07, 2008, 02:24:07 AM »
When things go wrong,
When sadness fills your heart,
When tears flow in your eyes,


Just let me know,

Because, I want to be there for you,


BECAUSE!!!!

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We are Selling Tissue Papers

to wipe Tears.
Buy 1, Get 1 Free...


Always Keep Smiling!

-- got it in email.

xnepali

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I am really ............
« Reply #31 on: January 07, 2008, 02:27:01 AM »

xsajha

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Please use the following if contacted by a telemarketer.
« Reply #32 on: January 09, 2008, 02:10:28 AM »
Please use the following if contacted by a telemarketer.

 
1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer.
“Is it a low interest rate? mmmmm…I like low interest rates…really low…”

2. In an outrageously excited tone: “Thank god you called!!!” Explain that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call disguised as an asshole.

3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the phone.

4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly pronounce the letter “s”. Tell him you won’t report him if he repeats his speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.

5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the connection.

6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : “Dan, stop screwing around…we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a chainsaw or not?”

7. “Congratulations! You’re the 100th caller on the (insert local radio station) Sweet Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You’ve just won a pair of tickets to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Sean Paul’s celebrity vacation house.” Take down her address and send her all of your L.L.Bean catalogues for the rest of your life...after you use them as liner for your cat’s litter box.

8. Flirt.

9. Keep repeating, “I knew you were going to say that…”
10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence… see how long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say “That really hurts my fee…fee… fee… fee…feel…fee… fee… fee…” ad infinitum.

11. Pee on the phone while he’s talking.

12. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial job for him. Ask if he wouldn’t mind doing a quick test. Ask him to say in a deep husky voice “May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness of breath. A small number of participants in a recent clinical trial experienced weight loss, irregular clotting, abnormally frequent and/or painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary”

13. Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer. Start at $1000. Say you are dead serious.
14. Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up.

15. Tie obscure facts about Barbara Streisand to everything thing he says,, “2.3% interest rate? oh my…did you know Barbara was 23 when she filmed Funny Girl…”

16. Every few minutes repeat, “You’re going to have to bear with me, I have a slight short term memory loss problem…who is this again?”

17. “Oh my god, I used to have your job…does Bob still work there (repeat names until you find a match)…which building are you in?” Escalate coincidence until you both realize that you sat in the same chair. Explain that you had to quit work when your genitals mysteriously vanished.
18. Regardless of the offer tell him you’ll take 7. If he asks what you mean say he drives a hard bargain and you’ll take 9, but that’s as far as you’ll go.
19. Every half-minute ask him to hold and pretend to scream at your invalid mother. “You want to use the bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of the wheelchair for a change. You just sit there and think about that for a while, mother. Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”
20. Forgive him. Tell him you did. Over and over again, until he hangs up. Then secretly take it back.

xnepali

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Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners
« Reply #33 on: January 09, 2008, 11:17:32 AM »
Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners

   1. I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
   2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.
   3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
   4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
   5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
   6. I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
   7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
   8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
   9. I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
  10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
  11. I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.
  12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
  14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
  15. I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
  16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
  17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
  18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
  19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
  20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
  21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

xsajha

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59 FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS
« Reply #34 on: January 10, 2008, 07:56:12 AM »
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
 
 1    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
 2    Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
 3    After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
 4    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
 5    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
 6    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
 7    "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
 8    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
 9    "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
 10    "Last one off the plane must clean it."
 11    From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
 12    This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
 13    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
 14    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
 15    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
 16    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

source - http://www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/flightannouncements.htm

xsajha

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ALCOHOL IS BAD FOR YOU - is it true?
« Reply #35 on: January 10, 2008, 07:59:13 AM »
ALCOHOL IS BAD FOR YOU
(can this be true ?)

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers :


1    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your underwear.

2    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

4    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

5    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

6    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

7    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your backside kicked.

9    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

10    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

11    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

12    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

13    WARNING :    The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

xsajha

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WRONG NUMBER
« Reply #36 on: January 10, 2008, 08:01:41 AM »
WRONG NUMBER

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

xsajha

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One way to Avoid a speeding ticket
« Reply #37 on: January 10, 2008, 08:02:30 AM »
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer : May I see your driver's license ?

Driver : I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my ticket for driving while drunk.

Officer : May I see the registration for this vehicle ?

Driver : It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer : The car is stolen ?

Driver : That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer : There's a gun in the glove box ?

Driver : Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the blonde bitch who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer : There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?! ?

Driver : Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain : Sir, can I see your license ?

Driver : Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain : Whose car is this ?

Driver : It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain : Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it ?

Driver : Gun  ? What gun ? ?

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain : Would you mind opening your trunk ? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver : I said what ????

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain : I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver : Yeah, And I'll bet the lying son-of-a-bitch told you I was speeding too !!!

xsajha

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Famous Quotes
« Reply #38 on: January 10, 2008, 08:04:16 AM »


“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“
   

Unknown
   

“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’  ".
   

Eleanor Roosevelt
   

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”
   

George Burns
   

“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”
   

Victor Borge
   

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
   

Mark Twain
   

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”
   

Mark Twain
   

“My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.”
   

Les Dawson
   

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
   

Socrates
   

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
   

Groucho Marx
   

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
   

Jimmy Durante
   

“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
   

Jilly Cooper
   

“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”

“I was always a good housekeeper.  Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.”
   

Zsa Zsa Gabor
   

“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”
   

Alex Levine
   

“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
   

Ed Furgol
   

“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
   

Spike Milligan
   

“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
   

Mark Twain
   

“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
   

Herbert Henry Asquith
   

“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
   

Bob Hope
   

“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.”
   

W C Fields
   

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”
   

George Burns
   

“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
   

Unknown
   

“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
   

Unknown
   

Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”
   

Unknown
   

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
   

Unknown

xsajha

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The Three-minute Management Course
« Reply #39 on: January 10, 2008, 08:05:14 AM »
The Three-minute Management Course

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

** Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.