Author Topic: Top 59 Useless Facts  (Read 60418 times)

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xsajha

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Re: The Three-minute Management Course
« Reply #40 on: January 10, 2008, 08:05:28 AM »
Lesson 2

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized.  “Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

** Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


xsajha

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Re: The Three-minute Management Course
« Reply #41 on: January 10, 2008, 08:05:40 AM »
Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”  Pouf! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”  Pouf! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up next,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

** Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say


xsajha

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Re: The Three-minute Management Course
« Reply #42 on: January 10, 2008, 08:05:52 AM »
Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
“Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered, “Sure, why not?”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

** Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


xsajha

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Re: The Three-minute Management Course
« Reply #43 on: January 10, 2008, 08:06:03 AM »
Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed
the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the
bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

** Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


xsajha

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Re: The Three-minute Management Course
« Reply #44 on: January 10, 2008, 08:06:17 AM »
Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

** Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!








AND

This ends the Three-minute Management Course.

xsajha

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Real US Ads
« Reply #45 on: January 10, 2008, 08:08:21 AM »
Free one can of pork and beans with purchase of three bedroom, two bath home.


American flag, 60 stars. Pole included $100.


Amana washer, $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.


Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.


Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.


Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.


Wanted: Used paint.


Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled, $700.


1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.


Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.


Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.


Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.


Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.


Lose all your weight, only $49.


Nordic track, $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.
   

Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
   

Free Yorkshire terrier. Eight years old. Hateful little dog.
   

For sale by owner. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
   

One man, seven women hot tub. $850 or best offer.
   

Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
   

Georgia peaches. California grown, 89 cents per pound.
   

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
   

German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. Free.
   

Cows, calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.
   

Found—dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
   

Bill's septic cleaning. We haul American-made products.
   

Open house. Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.
   

Free puppies. Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
   

Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.
   

Nice parachute—never opened. Used once.
   

Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer, $300.
   

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100 percent Italian leather.
   

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit-sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay, $7-9 per hour.
   

Free puppies—part German shepherd, part stupid dog.
   

Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
   

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
   

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
   

Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
   

For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
   

For sale—a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
   

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
   

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
   

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
   

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
   

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
   

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
   

For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
   

Great Dames for sale.
   

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
   

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
   

Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
   

Vacation special—have your home exterminated.
   

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
   

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
   

Get rid of aunts—Zap does the job in 24 hours.
   

Toaster—a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
   

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
   

Stock up and save. Limit: one.
   

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
   

We build bodies that last a lifetime.
   

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
   

For rent—six-room hated apartment.
   

Man, honest. Will take anything.
   

Wanted—chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
   

Wanted—part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
   

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
   

Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
   

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
   

Wanted—hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
   

Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
   

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
   

Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
   

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
   

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
   

See ladies blouses. Fifty percent off!
   

Wanted—preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
   

Illiterate? Write today for free help.
   

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
   

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
   

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
   

Mother's helper—peasant working conditions.
   

Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.
   

And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
   

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
   

Two female Boston terrier puppies, seven wks. old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
   

Wanted—unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
   Modular sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

xsajha

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M E N
« Reply #46 on: January 10, 2008, 08:08:59 AM »
M E N

Q : What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A : Shoot him again.

Q : How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A : When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q : Why do little boys whine?
A : Because they're practicing to be men.

Q : How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A : One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q : What do you call a handcuffed man?
A : Trustworthy.

Q : What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A : You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q : Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A : To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q : What is the difference between men and women?
A : A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q : How does a man keep his youth?
A : By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q : How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A : Rename the mail folder "instruction manuals"

xsajha

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Wise Sayings ---- Recycled
« Reply #47 on: January 10, 2008, 08:09:59 AM »
1
   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2
   The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3
   It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4
   Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5
   Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6
   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7
   Many is the man who has drowned in a lake whose average depth was only three feet.

8
   It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9
   It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10
   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11
   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

12
   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13
   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14
   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15
   Don't squat with your spurs on.

16
   If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17
   If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18
   Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19
   Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

20
   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

21
   Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

22
   A closed mouth gathers no foot.

23
   Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

24
   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

25
   Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

26
   Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

27
   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

28
   If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

29    The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

30    We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

xsajha

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Sexual Orientation: How to Know if You Are Gay or Lesbian
« Reply #48 on: January 10, 2008, 08:12:36 AM »
Sexual Orientation: How to Know if You Are Gay or Lesbian

Here is a simple, eight question, yes or no quiz to determine without a doubt your sexual orientation.

Question 1:

Are you a man who owns more than 3 pairs of shoes or a woman who wears Birkenstocks whenever possible? Yes = 1 point

Question 2:

Are you a male who has dyed or highlighted his hair or a woman who hasn’t? Yes = 1 point.

Question 3:

Do you know what a carburetor is? Male: No = 1 point; Female: Yes = 1 point

Question 4:

My father was distant and emotionally abusive. Yes = 1 point

Question 5:

My mother is controlling. Yes = 1 point

Question 6:

Have you ever worked in construction? Male: No=1 point; Female: Yes =1 point

Question 7:

Knows what color “taupe” is? Male: Yes = 1 point; Female: No = 1 point

Question 8:

Have you been keeping score on this test? Yes = 1 point

Scoring:

Disregard the first seven questions. If you answered “yes” to question 8 then you are gay or lesbian. I mean, come on, if you need a blog quiz to tell you your sexual orientation then you really are in denial.

source http://whorechurch.wordpress.com/2007/02/13/sexual-orientation-how-to-know-if-you-are-gay-or-lesbian/

xnepali

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8 SPECIAL GIFTS
« Reply #49 on: January 13, 2008, 06:04:20 AM »
  8 SPECIAL GIFTS
                                 
 
1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING...
But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.

 2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION...
Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.

 3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER...
Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

 4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE...
It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.

 5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT.. .
A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.

 6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR...
Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.

 7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE...
There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

 8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION. ..
The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's not that hard to say, "Hello" or "Thank you."