Author Topic: Top 59 Useless Facts  (Read 53499 times)

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xnepali

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Re: When God created Canada
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2007, 10:16:21 PM »
Canadian Revenge

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

xnepali

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Europeans
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2007, 10:16:44 PM »
Europeans

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

    * Two Italian men and one Italian woman
    * Two French men and one French woman
    * Two German men and one German woman
    * Two Greek men and one Greek woman
    * Two English men and one English woman
    * Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
    * Two Norwegian men and one Norwegian woman
    * Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...

    * The one Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
    * The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
    * The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when to alternate with the German woman.
    * The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
    * The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
    * The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
    * The two Norwegian men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
    * The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

xnepali

  • Guest
Pearly Gate Humor
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2007, 05:54:26 AM »

xnepali

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A DOG NAMED SEX
« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2007, 11:14:04 AM »
A DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot*. I called mine *sex*. Now sex has been very embarrassing to me when I went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for sex. I told the clerk I'd like a license for sex he said. "I would like to have one too!". Then I said, "she is a dog!!". He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "you don't understand. I had sex since I was 9 years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "but sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the justice of peace. My family was barred from the church then on.

When my wife and went on out honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "me too!"

One day I entered sex in a contest. But before the competition began, sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand!!" I said. "I hoped to have sex on TV!!". He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "your honour. I had sex before I was married, but sex left me after I was married." The judge said, "me too!!"

Last night, sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me, "what seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "sex has been my best friend all of my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer. So lonely." The doctor said, "look mister you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend. So get yourself a dog."

xnepali

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9 WORDS WOMEN USE
« Reply #14 on: September 10, 2007, 11:17:07 AM »

xnepali

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50 Fun Things to Do in a Computer Room!
« Reply #15 on: September 10, 2007, 11:21:40 AM »
50 Fun Things to Do in a Computer Room!

 

 

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, and go back to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You''re such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

xnepali

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Two Wishes
« Reply #16 on: September 10, 2007, 11:23:21 AM »

xnepali

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New procedure
« Reply #17 on: September 10, 2007, 11:23:52 AM »

xnepali

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Definitions not in the dictionary
« Reply #18 on: September 10, 2007, 11:24:16 AM »
Definitions not in the dictionary

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

*SKELETON:* A past Job
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines!

xnepali

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Who Wants to Live to be 100?
« Reply #19 on: September 10, 2007, 11:24:44 AM »