Topic: Basics Guidelines for Life

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[xsajha]

[xnepali]

So, here it is, the Top 10:

# Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning.
Anon


# If you lie to the compiler, it will get its revenge.
Henry Spencer


# Be careful about using the following code -- I've only proven that it works, I haven't tested it.
Donald Knuth


# The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Bertrand Russell


# The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.
Tom Cargill


# For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
H L Mencken


# The Six Phases of a Project:
- Enthusiasm
- Disillusionment
- Panic
- Search for the Guilty
- Punishment of the Innocent
- Praise for non-participants


# When you start off by telling those who disagree with you that they are not merely in error but in sin, how much of a dialogue do you expect ?"
Thomas Sowell


# Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
Bill Gates


# Organizations which design systems are constrained to produce designs which are copies of the communication structures of these organizations.
Conway's Law

[xnepali]

http://www.funpic.hu/swf/monitor_cleaner.swf

[xnepali]

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

by Lame Mango Washington
(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don't care.

[xnepali]

 # Frequently Ask & Question about Pregnancy

Here are the most frequently questions to ask about pregnancy. But its just a joke. Don't take it too serious. So check it out and have fun...

1.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

2
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

3.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

4.
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

5.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

6.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

7.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

8.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

9.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

10.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

11.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

12
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

13.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

14.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

15.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

16.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

17.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

18.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

19.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

20.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

21.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

22.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

23.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

24.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

[xsajha]

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...

'Well, f -- ckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'

[xnepali]

12 Items You CAN'T Sell On ebay

Millions of would-be entrepreneurs want to sell things on ebay. ebay is the #1 home-business opportunity in the world right now, so it's natural that many are eager to find highly profitable items for re-sale on ebay. However, it's important to know that there are certain items that can't be sold. Here are a dozen of them ...

Some items are copyright infringement and can actually land a seller in federal prison:

1. Knock offs of music, TV shows or movies. The "bootleg" movies, for example, are often made by guys who sneak a movie camera into a newly-released movie where presumably, they crouch behind a seat and make a crummy copy. There is a large production of these counterfeit items in Asia where US laws have no power.

2. Software and computer games can likewise be copied and their sale is illegal by all US laws.

Naturally, the items above may be sold if you have a copy that you purchased legitimately and no longer want.

3. The so-called "replica" market for handbags, designer sunglasses and clothing is definitely forbidden although these items are often sold in physical stores around the US. Ironically, when attending ebay Live In New Orleans in 2004, we found a store in one of their famous markets selling replica purses that were not allowed on ebay.

4. Lazy and less-than-honest sellers often steal copyrighted material from other sellers. This has happened to me many times and ebay has a program called VERO (Verified Rights Owner) that will remove offending auctions, although there seems to be no penalty attached to the seller, which is unfortunate.

5. Alcoholic beverage sales are not allowed although a beverage "container', especially those of wine, may be sold for its value.

6. Cigarettes, cigars, smokeless tobacco or coupons for such items are not permitted on ebay.com.

The ebay rules for collectible tobacco and alcohol containers are the same:

* The value of the item is in the collectible packaging, not in the wine/tobacco itself.

* The listing description should state that the package has not been opened, but that the twine/tobacco within is not for consumption.

* The collectible tobacco packaging must not be available at any retail outlet, and packaging must have a value that substantially exceeds the current retail price of that wine/tobacco product in the package.

* Sellers must take steps to ensure that the buyer of these collectibles is at least 18 years of age

7. Firearms are strictly regulated by US law and may not be sold on ebay.

8. Satellite and cable TV descramblers are forbidden by the Federal Trade Commission.

9. Animals and wildlife products may not be sold, which includes stuffed birds and pelts from endangered species. There are limited sales of ivory, tortoise shell, marine products and other items relating to animals. This area is quite complex and any would-be seller needs to thoroughly understand the various laws before getting involved in these sales.

10. Event tickets have state-by-state laws that make their sale complex. Some states, for instance, forbid anyone to make more than a few dollars in profit (or no profit at all) on the resale of tickets. For instance, Florida law states that tickets can be resold at no more than face value plus $1. In such states, these regulations apply only to buyers and sellers located in the same state as the actual event, meaning if a seller lives in Florida, he can't profit from ticket sales to Florida events. However, if he lives in any of the other 39 states, this restriction doesn't apply.

11. Listing a catalog of items that a seller offers for sale is forbidden. The only catalogs legally sold on ebay are collectible kinds, such as an old Sears Roebuck or Montgomery Wards catalog that is memorabilia and doesn't offer current merchandise for sale.

12. Raffles and prizes are 100% prohibited. According to ebay, such promotions are highly regulated and may be unlawful in many states.

There are other kinds of merchandise that a seller may not sell on ebay, so carefully check ebay rules before listing anything. It's much better to know the rules in advance of spending money that can't be recouped.

[uxwall]

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