Author Topic: 101 reasons why 'I Love You'  (Read 39438 times)

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nish

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20 ways to tell a man that his zip is open
« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2009, 09:24:18 PM »
20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

tundikhel

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Lessons From Life
« Reply #11 on: October 28, 2009, 09:14:42 AM »
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

   1. Surface usually covered with a thin film of makeup.
   2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
   3. Melts if given special treatment.
   4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
   5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
   6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

   1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
   2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
   3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.
   4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
   5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

   1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
   2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
   3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

   1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
   2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

   1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
   2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

tundikhel

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Re: Women Defined !!
« Reply #12 on: October 28, 2009, 11:02:50 AM »
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick

tundikhel

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Re: Women Defined !!
« Reply #13 on: October 28, 2009, 11:05:44 AM »
101 Things Not To Say During Sex


1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right?
      Person 2: Yeah... today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"

93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Got it in email. If you are the author will gladly add your name here!!

tundikhel

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eleven rules - you will never learn in school
« Reply #14 on: October 28, 2009, 11:06:52 AM »
RULE 1
    Life is not fair - get used to it.

     
RULE 2
    The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

     
RULE 3
    You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with car phone, until you earn both.

     
RULE 4
    If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

     
RULE 5
    Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping they called it Opportunity.

     
RULE 6
    If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

     
RULE 7
    Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

     
RULE 8
    Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

     
RULE 9
    Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

     
RULE 10
    Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

     
RULE 11
    Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
     

Bill Gates spoke before a group of high school students and gave them his eleven rules of life. The rules are taken from the book "Dumbing Down our Kids" by educator Charles Sykes and got it from this link.

tundikhel

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Re: Women Defined !!
« Reply #15 on: October 28, 2009, 11:13:33 AM »



No hard feeling ladies. But I think these are funny!!


What do you think? Would love to see what ladies think about them. :))






















tundikhel

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Re: eleven rules - you will never learn in school
« Reply #16 on: October 28, 2009, 11:15:58 AM »
My "10 things to do before i die" List:

1. Fall in Love/Get married & make babies(must be a great feelin'....)

2. Visit the American country-side (I just love the smell of wet-mud out there)

3. Get involved in the "Big Brother" pragramme (not talking about the shitty reality show, but a social programme where you actually get privileges & rights to adopt an orphan and take him out once a week.)

4. SkyDiving (heellll yeaahhhh!!!!)

5. Sucker-Punch a stranger. (I dont know why? but the thought of which is very fascinating, besides I think I am sadistic enough to include it on the list anyway)

6. Buy my mom a house. (she will like that a lot)

7. Earn some money before I buy my mom a house otherwise i'll be broke (don't know y i didn't put that on the top?, but then I guess there are other important things in life for me)

8. Earn loads of respect

9. Write a novel (ya, for that I got one hell of an idea, and i think its gonna be a best-seller one day but I ain't tellin' anyone, anything 'bout it, just yet. So wait for it to realease)

10. Die before I cannot even take a piss in the toilet (Stupid, but I guess I'll take it since I don't wanna rot in my death bed with no body to look after me)

by: Anon

tundikhel

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Re: eleven rules - you will never learn in school
« Reply #17 on: October 28, 2009, 11:17:28 AM »

I got this photo in email long time back. It is very heart touching to see the reaction of the bird over another dead bird!


Don't you feel sad and want to scream your heart out to the hunter who killed it's lover (most probably)?

tundikhel

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Lessons From Life
« Reply #18 on: January 08, 2010, 10:45:40 AM »
Lessons From Life

   1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
   2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
   3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
   4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch!
   5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
   6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
   7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
   8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
   9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
  10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
  11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
  12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
  13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
  15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
  16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
  17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
  18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
  19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
  20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
  21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special..
  22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
  23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
  24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
  25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
  26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
  27. Always choose life.
  28. Forgive everyone everything.
  29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
  30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
  31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
  33. Believe in miracles.
  34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
  35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
  36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
  37. Your children get only one childhood.
  38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
  39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
  40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
  41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  42. The best is yet to come.
  43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
  44. Yield.
  45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

AdamsonAfton

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Re: Lessons From Life
« Reply #19 on: January 18, 2010, 01:03:57 PM »
nice quotations.thanks for sharing